Patience, people, patience.

Corrugated Soundbite has an excellent roundup of many of the reasons for the people of this country to rise up and burn parliament to the ground along with everyone in it. If they still taught proper history in school, this lot might know about the reasons for Charles the First being about eight inches shorter at the end of his reign than he was at the start. They were pretty much the same reasons.

As CS says, don't do it. These are all provocations to riot because once we start, the civil contingencies act comes into play and we'll never be rid of the Gorgon and his crew of dysfunctional Bedlam rejects.

Get them out first, give the Cameroids a week and if they prove to be the same - then burn them all.

CS's roundup is depressing enough but it doesn't mention the war on smokers that's about to extend into our homes, or the war on drinkers that means you can be lifted on your way out of the offlicence because 'you might drink it in the street' or 'you might give it to the cheeeeldren'. Oh, and there aren't enough suspected paedos yet. They want more.

For the non-drinkers and non-smokers out there - do you drive? Happy with the upcoming backdated road tax? How about paying the green taxes on petrol to combat global warming while you freeze in the snow around the pumps? How about the Tory idea of taxing motorists more to give money to married couples, almost all of whom are drivers and so will be paying to pay themselves. Once more, the money just goes in a circle but comes out light at the other end. Oh, but it's only just started for you folk.

All you petrolheads are Keeeling the Cheeeldren!

Must be you lot. We smokers are already banned from anywhere, especially if there's a chiiild about, and all adult males are keeping well clear of them. So it must be the smoke from exhausts on a road 100 yards away that's killing them.

Now, I know those who view the world in a stark monochromatic us-and-them way will have immediately jumped to the conclusion that because I think this story is unscientific, that must mean I think traffic fumes are harmless. You are wrong and I'd explain why if I thought your limited cognitive ability could cope with it. But I don't. So skip the rest of this. You won't like it anyway.

Kids are staying indoors more and more, which is why they're coming down with bulgy bellies and bendy legs. They don't play outside anywhere near as much as they used to in case some pensioner in a shiny suit tries to get them to join his gang. Houses have been hermetically sealed for Green reasons so not much of outside gets inside in most homes.

Traffic fumes are toxic. Not as much as they used to be in the days of leaded petrol and before catalytic converters but they are, nonetheless, toxic. I smoke and I don't like Union Street in Aberdeen because the fumes are choking. The volume and toxicity is far more than a whole army of smokers could produce.

Even so, unless the kids are playing beside the motorway and there's no wind, the amount they'll experience isn't really all that much. If it gets too stinky they'll play somewhere else. There are no playgrounds on Union Street.

It's the old 'single issue science' trick. Find a cause, just one, and make it the only one that matters. Then you can make a case for banning it.

Central heating with inadequate ventilation makes the air very dry, this makes the breathing passages very dry and makes them more prone to infection. That used to be a fact, you know. Forgotten along the way. Anyone remember humidifiers you hang on radiators?

Breathing trapped air, in, say, a house with all the windows permanently closed and stuff around the doors to prevent draughts, increases the amount of dust, spores, and exhaled nasties from other people, that float around and get breathed in. That used to be a fact too. Brushed aside.

Yes, traffic fumes are nasty but they are far from being the only nasty out there and in most cases, not the prevalent nasty in a child's breathing environment.

One final fact. Pneumonia is an infection. You don't get infections from exhaust fumes. You cannot get any infection from anything that's been burned. Anything that has been burned is sterilised. You can trust me on that one. It's my job to know things like that.

You get most infections from other people.

Although these days you don't need to go to the trouble of finding someone to catch something from. The NHS will do it for you, for free, and you won't even need to look at a smoker while they apply the nasties to you.

Remember- don't riot! They can't bring in their act just because of keyboards with teeth marks in them.