Monday, 4 January 2010

The Button War.

Labour's 'oh no we aren't having a class war' memo has not reached Telegraph commentator Andrew M. Brown. He's been counting the buttons on Cameron's cuffs, while wearing a tinfoil hat you could use to roast an emu.

The number of buttons means something, apparently. It's a social status symbol. It's a secret Bullingdon code thing or something. Which is odd, because having a status symbol that nobody knows is a status symbol seems rather futile. It's odder yet because he names two others in the five-button conspiracy - Prince Charles and Tiny Blur! Bullingdon boys?

The Labour class war has now descended to cuff button counting, and Andy is basing his theory that Cameron considers himself as important as Prince Charles on the number of cuff buttons they have (five, same as Tiny Blur, who passes uncriticised).

I don't care if Cameron has cuff buttons up to his shoulders. I don't even care all that much if they were taxpayer-funded cuff buttons because that would be a small price to pay for a Prime Monster who looks as though he likes a laugh. In fact, get Cameron a Pearly King outfit if only because the sight of all those buttons will make Andy's tinfoil hat spin fast enough to generate electricity. We could link him in to the Grid and just keep showing him buttons. At peak demand, we could show him shiny gold ones.

I don't care about the fashion statements or the status symbols or whether Cameron has his hair combed by vestal virgins and his eyebrows trimmed by trained hedgehogs with miniature lawnmowers while his suits are ironed to perfection by a team of engineers who use laser sights to line up the creases. I don't care.

What's he going to do if (as seems likely) he wins? He's been telling us what he plans and frankly, I don't like all of it. Some of it I don't like at all. However, he is telling us.

Labour are also telling us... what they think the Conservatives will do. Perhaps they'll rank us all by cuff button number. What Labour are keeping quiet about is what they'll do in the unlikely event they manage to win votes from the BNP. Unlikely, because they are trying to win votes from the Tories who are not the party they've lost their core to. Wrong target. As usual.

Well, better get sewing. Just in case Tinfoil Andy is on to something, my jackets will all need at least six buttons per sleeve. Then I'll outrank Prince Charles on the Andy Brown scale of button importance.

Today, cuff buttons. Tomorrow - the world!

5 comments:

Gareth said...

The Government behave like the Opposition while the Opposition behave like the Government. This has gone on for a decade.

The Conservatives have kept their cards close to their chest. Every i is dotted, every t crossed lest the media or Labour find a hole in their plans. Meanwhile the Government have jerked from one cackhanded policy to another. The Government has been far too reckless with authority, policy and ultimately our money while the Conservatives have been far too cautious in exploiting the freedom being the Opposition brings.

Neither side deserves to be in Government because neither side has behaved appropriate to their position.

John R said...

Which sounds like a win for the Conservatives.....at least having an Opposition that doesnt behave "appropriate to their position" doesn't cost the country £1.3 trillion in wasted taxpayers money.

Mrs R said...

If Cameron wears 5 buttons on his cuff it at least means he won't be wiping his nose on his sleeve aka two other fools who went into schools and showed the children how it should be done!

English Pensioner said...

I don't have any buttons on my cuffs (except when under extreme pressure), usually I wear Tee-shirts, with a sweater in winter when necessary!
So where am I in the social hierarchy?

Leg-iron said...

English Pensioner, better sew on some sleeves.

You don't want to end up in the lowest caste, the unbuttonables.

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