Labour's 'oh no we aren't having a class war' memo has not reached Telegraph commentator Andrew M. Brown. He's been counting the buttons on Cameron's cuffs, while wearing a tinfoil hat you could use to roast an emu.
The number of buttons means something, apparently. It's a social status symbol. It's a secret Bullingdon code thing or something. Which is odd, because having a status symbol that nobody knows is a status symbol seems rather futile. It's odder yet because he names two others in the five-button conspiracy - Prince Charles and Tiny Blur! Bullingdon boys?
The Labour class war has now descended to cuff button counting, and Andy is basing his theory that Cameron considers himself as important as Prince Charles on the number of cuff buttons they have (five, same as Tiny Blur, who passes uncriticised).
I don't care if Cameron has cuff buttons up to his shoulders. I don't even care all that much if they were taxpayer-funded cuff buttons because that would be a small price to pay for a Prime Monster who looks as though he likes a laugh. In fact, get Cameron a Pearly King outfit if only because the sight of all those buttons will make Andy's tinfoil hat spin fast enough to generate electricity. We could link him in to the Grid and just keep showing him buttons. At peak demand, we could show him shiny gold ones.
I don't care about the fashion statements or the status symbols or whether Cameron has his hair combed by vestal virgins and his eyebrows trimmed by trained hedgehogs with miniature lawnmowers while his suits are ironed to perfection by a team of engineers who use laser sights to line up the creases. I don't care.
What's he going to do if (as seems likely) he wins? He's been telling us what he plans and frankly, I don't like all of it. Some of it I don't like at all. However, he is telling us.
Labour are also telling us... what they think the Conservatives will do. Perhaps they'll rank us all by cuff button number. What Labour are keeping quiet about is what they'll do in the unlikely event they manage to win votes from the BNP. Unlikely, because they are trying to win votes from the Tories who are not the party they've lost their core to. Wrong target. As usual.
Well, better get sewing. Just in case Tinfoil Andy is on to something, my jackets will all need at least six buttons per sleeve. Then I'll outrank Prince Charles on the Andy Brown scale of button importance.
Today, cuff buttons. Tomorrow - the world!