Labour's election campaign gets off to a great start.

There has been considerable buzz about an attempt by the Hoon and the Hewitt to take down the Gorgon and replace him with an orange. Or something. It doesn't matter what they want to replace him with because it won't happen.

The Hoon and Hewitt letter is everywhere, but I suspect Guido had it first so I'll link to that copy.

It's not a leadership challenge. What they want is a ballot on the Gorgon's leadership with the intention of settling all the backbiting and sniping. They want to settle, once and for all, whether the parliamentary Labour party are happy being led by a man with a face that looks like something God made out of old Camembert after staying up far too late and turning too much water into wine, a man with all the charisma of a Komodo dragon and the future prospects of a falling piano. Their idea is for a vote that will simply settle the matter. The leadership challenge would only happen if the Gorgon lost the vote.

This vote will not happen and if it does happen, it will be only because the Gorgon is guaranteed to win it. Which cannot happen without a lot of horse heads in a lot of beds. So, I don't believe this vote idea will come to anything.

Labour can't get rid of a leader without a long and protracted process which the leader will know all about while it's happening, and will know who's behind it, and will have plenty of time to shunt them off to places where they can't do anything important, and will make it clear to any other dissenters that they'll get the same treatment if they don't shut up. In short, the only way Labour can get rid of a leader is if the whole party is resolute about dumping him and are prepared to go through the whole process, which they can't now do before the election, or the leader stands down.

Tiny Blur stood down. The Gorgon thought it was because of all his scheming and plotting. I think it was because the Blur noticed the rapid approach of a large mound of elephant-in-the-room droppings and scarpered while leaving the fan running.

The Gorgon stand down? Not. A. Chance.

Therefore, if this vote were to go ahead and the Gorgon lost, he would still insist on getting on with the job for hardworking global families that started in America because of evil Tory cuts and top hats and monocles. Count Mandelsnake of Slither knows this, and he knows that it would finally reveal that the original Gorgon was replaced by a deranged shaved babboon in an ill-fitting Gorgon skin soon after the Blur's departure. The Count also knows that the Gorgon is very likely to lose that vote no matter how hard he puts the frighteners on his MPs.

Naturally, the Mandelsnake cannot resist a Righteous put-down for these plotters -

“No one should overreact to this initiative. It is not led by members of the Government. No one has resigned from the Government,” said his spokesman.

The Hoon and the Hewitt are MPs, are they not? They are members of the government and members of the party in power. Worthless, self-interested weasel scrota they may be, but they are members of the currently ruling party and therefore have more to do with government than even the leaders of the other parties - Foggy Cameroid and Norman Clegg. Compo's party is running the show and Labour MP's, you would think, are part of the party forming a government.

Not so. Only those selected by the Mandelsnake and his droopy puppet count as government. The rest - even the Labour MPs - count for so little he can't even be bothered to name them. Think about that if you have a Labour MP and are mad enough to consider voting for him. Even if he wins, and even if Labour wins, unless he's in the Mandelsnake's favoured group your local Labour MP might as well be a bowl of Mulligatawney soup because he won't be able to do a thing. You think he's part of Government. He is not. He's padding for Commons votes and nothing more.

If you vote Labour, you're not voting Labour. You're voting Mandelson. After you vote, your MP no longer counts and neither do you. Tory voters... watch this space.

It seems the Hoon and the Hewitt learned nothing from Antjam Chowder's recent display of march-threatening. The threat of that march was enough to make Chowder an object of hate and derision throughout the land. It no longer matters whether he tries it or not. He is fixed, permanently, in the public mind as a total loon who should be shot as slowly as possible.

It no longer matters about the vote. It's not going to happen but that doesn't matter either. The effect is now irreversible.

A couple of Labour MPs wanted a vote, which was effectively a vote of confidence in their leader. So they aren't confident in him. Those who should have jumped to the Gorgon's defence did not. When they did, it was all lukewarm 'oh well, you know, he's not so bad. It could be worse, we could be ruled by a sea-squirt.' (For the record, I dispute whether that would be worse).

The Labour party cannot replace the Gorgon. It's far too late. They don't have time for their procedure, the Gorgon won't stand down and even if he did, they'd have to go into a general election straight away and they aren't ready. They are stuck with him. It is now obvious that even his closest tapeworms don't like it and the rest of their MPs don't like it either. Nobody - nobody - leapt to his defence.

What Hoon and Hewitt have done is devastating. We are to be asked to vote for a party that clearly does not want to be led by the only man they can put up as a future Prime Monster. We are to be asked to vote in a Prime Monster who nobody, even his own limpets, want as Prime Monster.

What a start to Labour's election campaign.

Hoon and Hewitt, well done. A word of advice - don't go for any walks in the woods any time soon.