Home to the horror that cuts through all the sedation.

Back from Smoky-Drinky evening, and there'd been no new snow since I went out. It's cold though. There's a long queue of brass monkeys outside the welder's shop. Fortunately my spiked stick is still in my possession but it's only useful for crossing ice. I am not permitted to use it to defend myself if I am attacked, even if it's in my own home.

Note to prospective burglars. I will use it, I will not call the police and you will be found in the woods in weekly instalments, apart from the edible bits. The current legal system allows me no other course of action.

I am not famous. Mylene Klaas is, apparently. She scared off some burglars by waving a knife and being hysterical at them - she did not make contact with them at all - and she was cautioned for it. The burglars, at the time of writing, have not been inconvenienced by the police at all.

Jonathan Shalit, Myleene's spokesperson told the Sunday Telegraph: 'Myleene was aghast when she was told that the law did not allow her to defend herself in her own home.

The law used to be an ass. Now it is far less useful than that. The law is less useful than a jellyfish and not worth the cost of a phone call. You might as well call your dentist if you're being attacked, at least he can make arrangements to replace your teeth. All the police will do is arrest you, steal your computer and load it with kiddie porn. There is only one possible response to a statement such as 'the law does not permit you to defend yourself in your own home' and that is - if you are attacked in your own home, don't involve the law. You are on your own either way. If the law is involved, they are on the side of your attacker. Why would you call in reinforcements for him?

You don't even have to break the law any more. You don't even need to sound as if you might. All that's needed is for someone in your employ to say something that rhymes with a currently banned word. You will be arrested and your computers impounded (they always do that now, have you noticed?) at once.

Should you expect an apology for wrongful arrest and the theft of your computer equipment, you'll get this.

A council spokesman said: “As far as we were concerned it was an offensive comment, so we got in touch with the police.”

This sad and feeble council got in touch with the police because someone's employee used a term that rhymed with a racist term. Did the police say 'Oh for Christ's sake, when are you people going to grow up?' No they did not. They arrested the man who didn't commit what was not a crime, fingerprinted and DNA-swabbed him and stole his computer equipment. Then locked him up while they had a cup of tea and an equality seminar.

The authorities never apologise because they are never wrong. Read about the Spanish Inquisition. They operated on the same principle. They could not be wrong. If they arrested you, you must be guilty. They just needed to work out what you were guilty of. Or make something up.

Would you call the police to deal with any real problem? I would not. Would you contact the council about anything at all? I would not. These people cannot be trusted and have no interest in anything other than blaming whoever is nearest for whatever has happened. I prefer to have no contact with any of them at all.

So, burgle my house, and you vanish. I am not worried about repercussions. Burglars do not leave their nightly work plans with anyone else. Don't worry about the blood. I have tiled floors to dissect your corpse on and enough abbatoir experience to make a neat job of it. You, burglar, will be disposed of tidily. The police need not stir from their cocoa and targets.

Am I the only one thinking this way? There's me and Mylene Klaas anyway and oh, maybe one or two - million - others. Before you set the blue lights flashing, officers, consider why that might be.

An ass is a beast of burden. A useful creature and worth preserving and looking after.

Ringworm is a fungal infection of the skin. Something that attacks its host, provides no benefit and causes nothing but irritation and considerable wasted time trying to sort it out.

The law is not an ass.

The law is ringworm.

_______________

PS - Update on stolen child. He is still with his grandmother because Elfin Safety have deemed it too dangerous to drive him to his State-sanctioned new home in the current weather. Clouds, silver linings, etc.