Mark Wadsworth has long been cataloguing the Great Bovine Uprising in which our proto-burger stocks insist on killing us back. Most cases are the cause of stupidity, people who have fallen for the Green hype that all humans are evil and all animals are peace-loving hippies who avoid stepping on ants. Nature is nasty and farm animals are not pets.
It's important to know the difference between ewes and rams before you get into a field. Ewes will run away. Rams will not. Cows are well aware of the relative size and strength of us and them and are likely to come over and see what you're doing. If they don't like what you're doing, you're in trouble. If there's a bull in the field, start with the premise that he doesn't like you and harbours a strong desire to stamp on your face. Most of the time you'll be right. Pigs... will eat you.
All well and good, but what about underwater fishy rebels? Even big ones can be hard to see in murky water. I don't mean sharks, I mean the sort of thing that has me typing with one hand because the other is guarding my bits. Sharks tear chunks out of you and you are likely to die fairly quickly, possibly without even knowing what hit you.
Shark attacks are as nothing when compared to a fish whose mode of attack is to bite your nuts off. Yes. Feminist fish! With a taste for raw sweetbread marinated in river water.
'Amazingly,
these things are quite elusive so we had to be patient catching one. We
put a line into the water and waited for it to bite.
I do not want to know what they used for bait.
Update: Looked at the pics again. 40lb? I'd say it's closer to four. Still, that mouth is big enough to take a lump out of your lumps and that's bad enough. The day you have to have a cricket box in your fishing bag is the day I stop fishing!
8 comments:
i'm not a vegetarian through any concern about the morality of meat-munching (a man has to chew what a man has to chew), but more as an emotional reaction against our total failure to observe any semblance of spirituality in the consumer-driven process which dictates our slaughter of the sacred-moo-cow. i regard the ceremonial chomping-on-daisy, for sunday-roast-lunch, quite acceptable, provided that the traditional face-stuffing frenzy is preceeded by a short pause for a dignified prayer-of-thanksgiving - what i cannot bear is the awful american habit of slapping the poor burgerized cow between two bits of bun-bread before thoughtlessly grazing on her whilst meandering, in an aimless, disorderly fashion, down the local high-street, without due respect for the ultimate sacrifice which she has made to save us from starvation.
give me death by unemancipated stampeding cow anyday - at least it would an be udderly smothering end.
yes...apparently femo the fellatio-fish was originally vegetarian, but developed an incurable taste for real man-meat when a routine foraging expedition for brussel-sprouts went disastrously wrong. i strongly advise the donning of full cricket-kit, including pads, box and helmet, before attempting to land one of these of these over-sexed predators...or you may get caught-out in the slips by an unexpected googly, which would mean end-of-innings.
my goodness, look at the jaw-muscles on that...
we'd better just pray the little horrors never acquire the power of speech...
One did, and is currently wearing a saggy skin and calling herself Jo Brand.
You'd need a far, far bigger aquarium to keep a Jo Brand, though....
Patience folks.
I'm trying to import all the comments. There are a lot of them!
"At least two fishermen have bled to death after being bitten by the beast although Jeremy believes they were 'pretty unlucky' as it is quite shy."
I'd suggest chewing on a fella's nuts isn't a typical trait of shyness?
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