Monday, 19 December 2011

Meddling with marriage, and other things.

Apologies to commenters and Emailers for the lack of response from me lately. It's now too late to get the print version of the Christmas collection ready in time for Christmas but there is still possibly time to have it available for all those ebook readers that will no doubt be unwrapped on Christmas morning. I decided to keep the ebook cheap and simple - the experiment with cartoons will be separate in the electronic versions, the print version will have both.

There's lots of parenty stuff around today, which is why I dredged up that image from 1983. I'm not going to bother with links for most of this, much of it is old news anyway.

Children are getting rickets through lack of vitamin D, so while Clegg claims the Tories are taking us back to the 1950s, he conveniently forgets that socialism has already taken us back to the 1890s. Which means that Cameron's pledge to encourage married couples to stay together by paying them actually represents a move forward in time, not back.

I don't see how morality is enhanced when the only reason Government sees for couples to stay together is money. Tax breaks for married couples are fair enough: a married couple occupies the same number of houses as a single person and is allowed the same volume of bin waste each week. However, this idea that all you need to do to fix a problem is throw money at it is typical of modern political thought, no matter the rosette.

Couples should really only stay together because they want to. Staying for financial reasons only is a terrible basis for a relationship, just as young girls getting pregnant as a career choice is a terrible basis for parenthood. That's what happens when you throw money at problems. They get worse.

This extends to everything Government interferes in. They fund the Salt Haters and therefore the Salt Haters must hate salt in ever more minute quantities in order to continue their funding. That's why we now see that our once-a-year Christmas dinner will instantly turn us into a pile of pork scratchings and we have to continue the Puritan minimalist lifestyle on Christmas Day.

Interestingly, these are the same sort of people who once banned Christmas altogether. They aren't Christians this time, but neither were Cromwell's lot, not really. It was just a convenient vehicle for their particular brand of controlling spite, as political correctness is today.

The antismoking groups only exist because they have convinced Government that smoking is a problem. Smoking was in decline before the smoking ban and has stopped declining, in some places increasing, since the ban. They have not solved 'the problem', they have made it worse and that was their intention all along. A group that exists solely to address 'a problem' can only exist as long as that problem exists. They now deny that any contraband tobacco enters the country and will continue to do so until they are ready to make it the next problem.

So it is with the anti-drink groups. Boozing has also declined but we aren't allowed to believe that. We are to believe that last Friday night's once-a-year revelry is a standard weekend in every town centre. The anti-booze groups can't let us believe that the problem is gradually solving itself because that means they, and their funding, are not needed.

The Brown Gorgon extended boozing hours, in theory, which gave rise to Smoker's Hell on Earth. Pubs can open 24 hours a day but we're barred from every one of them. In practice, I have never seen nor heard of a 24-hour pub anywhere near here but maybe there is one somewhere. The 24-hour option means that the antiboozers can claim that we are all raging alkies, plastered from the moment we wake until we pass out. Not everyone is like that, not even in Scotland. There's this bloke across the road...

The Gorgon also planned to give casinos free rein. He didn't do it in the end so the anti-gamblers are now struggling a bit. Especially since we are less likely to risk any money when times are so tight. They must be so disappointed.

There is talk of raising the speed limit on motorways to 80 mph. You just know that the next pile-up will be blamed on the irresponsibility of letting drivers choose their speed rather than on some idiot shaving, putting on make-up, filling in a crossword, updating Farcebook or carving a granite bust of Lady Gaga while driving. These days, clearing up after motorway crashes is a breeze. The police close their eyes and count to ten and when they open them, a Romanian gang has nicked all the wreckage.

All those apparent relaxations of the iron fist of control are traps. Take them up on their offer and you'll get blamed for anything that might happen, even if it would have happened anyway. All that Government meddling ever achieves is to mess things up in the most expensive way possible.

Look at the current state of their family meddling. They are calling for an absolute ban on smacking children, soon to be a ban on touching them so you'll have to goad them up to bed by poking them with a foam-tipped stick or laying out a trail of gummi bears. There are calls to define shouting as domestic violence, equivalent in law and in punishment to flattening your spouse's nose with a steak-hammer before carving it off, microwaving it and serving it with buttered new potatoes and peas.

So there will in the future be no means to discipline children at all. If you so much as raise your voice, you will be in trouble.

Meanwhile, Cameron wants fathers to be forced to sign birth certificates and this will inevitably mean that the father is whoever the mother says it is. She's not going to let Dwayne sign, he's skint and useless, she's going after Paul McCartney because she had the Beatles playing to drown out Dwayne's weird animal noises. She was thinking of Sir P McC at the time, so he's the father.

Men who actually care about relationships are going to become extremely wary and will insist on a chaperone at all times just in case they get blamed for something they didn't put there. Gobshites with a knob that's been down more holes than Sid the Ferret, champion ferret of the ferret fancier's elite, won't give two hoots. They'll just sign the form 'Paul McCartney' anyway, except they'll spell it 'X'.

Women, on the other hand, will be allowed to visit the police station with a photo and a name and check whether that bloke from accounts she met at the Christmas party is really Charles Manson in a ginger wig and glasses.

Neither side can now trust the other. Even if they do get together and pass the CRB checks to show they are suitable child-keepers, they dare not have children because they will not be permitted to control them in any way, even if the child starts dropping dead postmen on the doormat and chewing up their slippers.

It's not even as if they can reasonably expect to keep their child. If they gain weight their child will be confiscated. If their store loyalty card reports they have bought a can of shandy, their child will be confiscated. If someone spots them in MacDonald's their child will be confiscated. If they smoke, their child will be scrubbed with disinfectant, hosed down with formalin, kept in quarantine for six months and then confiscated. Step out of line and they steal your child. Do as you're told and your child becomes uncontrollable. Honestly, who's going to bother?

This is the Government recipe for family life. This is how they plan to improve things and they will spend money as if the numbers are fading from the notes while they do it. This country will soon host the most expensive shambles the world has ever seen. In many ways, we are already Number One.

If the Government really wanted to improve our health and happiness, there is an incredibly easy and astoundingly cheap way to do it. It's the only option they have never considered.

Leave us alone. Don't you have a country to run or something?


The Travelling Toper said...

It's a great pity that the Cold War, Vietnam & South African Apartheid are gone and forgotten. When they were at a peak the prodnoses and politicians had other things to occupy their useless minds.

cordon ramsarse said...

There are calls to define shouting as domestic violence, equivalent in law and in punishment to flattening your spouse's nose with a steak-hammer before carving it off, microwaving it and serving it with buttered new potatoes and peas.

that's an absolutely fucking abominable crime against good taste and decency...anyone committing such an evil obscene act of sacrilege should be strung-up until cured and then fed to the fucking foxes - anyone with the merest pinch of culinary nouse obviously knows that a nasal-cutlet must first be marinaded in red-wine and garlic-cloves, seasoned with herbes de provence and black peppercorns, and then lightly grilled on a medium-hot charcoal barbecue before being served piping hot on fried-bread with a green olive stuffed-up each nostril.

damn fucking philistines

Angry Exile said...

I think you've covered just about all the reasons I don't have kids in there.

banned said...

Those children that are not confiscated are "nudged" into the arms of commercial babyminders from the age of 2, a policy that Dave is following from the socialists, even encouraging more.

In a decade or so they will be wondering why there is another generation of dysfunctional maniac teenagers.

Back in the 60's magazines published pics of Chines baby dormitories and we laughed at them.

Anonymous said...

The really horrific thing is the compliance of MPs.

That is why our political system stinks.

If Hitler appeared now, he would be victorious in this country. Why? Because MPs would bow down and worship. Do we elect these people to bow down and comply? I think not.

I believe that we need a new political system. Put simply, no MP should be part of the Administration. The USA has such a system, but even their system has become corrupt. That is because their equivalent of MPs can be bought. By that, I do not mean cash (although it may happen); I mean promises. Promises to do this or that in their constituency in return for their votes. Thus, a smoking ban can be enacted simply because an MP wants a new drainage system in his town.

But the whole situation in England is simpler than that. The population, as a whole, is not politically aware. Is it an accident that 'politics' is not taught as a subject in junior schools? What would happen if a particular Head Teacher decided to do so? I shudder to imagine. And yet, apart from the three r's, what could be more important?

Anonymous said...

... and I believe that they're about to do away with the teaching of history in many schools.

I suppose it saves having to rewrite books


Animal Outrage said...

Domestic violence sometimes can just happen when you feeling all relaxed like watching x-factor on the telly, and then she just had to waltz in talking to her mother on the phone and she knocked the remote off the chair and it switched the telly off.

That incident means im barred from entering barnsley after 7pm, as well as other conditions

cordon ramsarse said...


oh crap, i forgot to add the olive oil to the marinade. fucking unforgivable.

variations on a theme by cynicism said...


although you would be forgiven for not having noticed, today's politicians have got the euroslump to keep them busy...but, to be honest, the vietnam war, apartheid and the cold war were all designed to keep us pre-occupied - whilst the political elite granted themselves a licence to manufacture bullets - and i guess this present crisis is no different.

we plough the fields and weed out the sharp-looking ones for special attention said...


Is it an accident that 'politics' is not taught as a subject in junior schools?

it already must be on the curriculum - just try expressing a view within the hallowed walls which is not politic.

Animal Outrage said...

Olive oil is the cause of EU meddling in marriges, one thing led to another and we are left with this mess

Dickie Doubledick said...

Sorry but voices in my head tell me to do it.

afflicted assholes anonymous said...

yes, well done leg-iron, cordon ramsarse, and animal outrage for making inappropriate and insensitive jokes about domestic violence. what these male macho-types probably don't realize is that each year millions of men suffer intolerable physical and sexual abuse at the hands of their wives and partners, yet are left impotent when they seek legal recourse - and consequently the vast majority of incidents go unrecorded. i myself have often had cause to report aggravated assaults on my person to the police - but the officers never take me seriously. it's about time the male population of britain scaled the houses of parliament in fancy dress and staged a sit-on until something is done about this deeply emasculating iniquity.

Leg-iron said...

afflicted etc - Oh dear, we seem to have offended your sensibilities. Here's something to cheer you up.

A man and his wife set out on a trip. Two hundred miles later, they were pulled over. The officer checked the car and said "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but your wife is dead and has been for some hours."

"Dead?" said the man, "Thank God for that. I thought I'd gone deaf."

How's that? It's about the level of sensitivity and compassion you can expect to get here.

jocelyn jack esien said...


i don't see what's funny about that, it's a very sad story, and the man in your 'joke' very callous - serve him right if he doesn't go blind now too.

and just typical of the sort of thing we have to read on this blog.

look, i've been extremely busy making all the christmas preparations, what with stuffing tom the turkey etc. and basically i'm very tired, but my attention has been drawn to a situation on this blog-thread which i simply cannot ignore.

now, i'm not one to kill a joke, but let's look at this rationally - first, leg-iron regurgitates some crass wittery about an incident of 'domestic violence'...and, judging by the manner and tasteful style of its execution, he also trails the implication that the assailant was either a woman, or maybe a gay man...(or possibly a new man with psychopathic tendencies and basic cooking skills, but we didn't cover that one in my sociology degree, so i'll leave it aside)...anyway, yes, i'm sure you thought that was a hilarious insinuation, leg-iron, but actually it was obviously a desperate cry for help provoked by years of abuse and battering...and then, instead of being counselled by an understanding professional, the historic male oppression is exponentially compounded through a vicious verbal sexist (or homophobic...i don't care which quite frankly) assault, to which she is summarily subjected by cordon ramsarse in a fit of machoistic animal outrage pops up...he just seems to be a psychopathic moron...and then afflicted arseholes puts in his tuppenny-worth...although exactly what use he is to the argument, i do not know?

there's really no excuse for this glibly punctuated tirade of anti-feminist bile, leg-iron...unless, of course, you can reveal proof that ramsarse and outrage are in fact really women in drag?

crocker said...


yes, i think the advent of 'new man' really does cast doubt on whether leg-iron meant to employ the politically-safe implication of the assailant being female - for, as jocelyn so persuasively points out, all 'new men' are, really, bitterly repressed dinner-serving sociopaths.

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