Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Just when you think the stupidometer is at its limit...

...along come two who have pushed the dial all the way up to 11.

I saw this first one earlier today but was too gobsmacked to know what to say. There have been three tips to it by Email too, each tipster equally astounded by the stratospheric level of idiocy it contains.

If you are drinking anything, put it down now.


Smoking can make your nipples drop off.

I warned you, didn't I? Encouraged by those twenty gazillion deaths per minute from passive smoking or whatever today's number is, widely believed by the terminally gullible even though the real figure is actually zero, the brains of the antismokers are just freewheeling now. The gullible will accept even this. Comments show that some of them already have.

If you want to prove yourself a non-smoker, get a peephole bra or shirt and put your nipples on display. You can prove you don't smoke because you still have those bits. Be aware that prospective employers, landlords and council officials might want to tweak them to check they aren't latex fakes.

No need for expensive blood-testing, because aside from a tobacco stench detectable (and still toxic) fifteen miles away, a tangible cloud of fumes announcing their arrival like John Carpenter's 'The Fog', teeth like a moonshine hillbilly, a cough that rattles the plates on the shelves and yellowed skin that looks badly in need of ironing, smokers have no nipples.

Makes you wonder why they need all those expensive cotinine tests, doesn't it? Those who can't spot a smoker from a mile away must be dim creatures indeed. Just listen for the foghorns and hide in the church.

I have never heard of anyone's nipples dropping off and I've read and watched everything by Spike Milligan and Monty Python. The nearest I can think of is the 'Belgian phrase book' sketch that included the line 'My nipples explode with delight' and to be fair, John Cleese was buying cigarettes at the time. Maybe that's where the idea came from?

Maybe it came from 'The man who fell to Earth' in which David Bowie plays an alien with detachable nipples. He was smoking in that film. The link between smoking and spontaneous nipple loss is therefore a matter of record, even if only in fiction. Fact, fiction, it's all the same to the medics these days.

In real life, I have never heard of it happening and if it had it would definitely have been in the Daily Mail. My own suspicions, faced with nipple atrophy after breast surgery, would tend more towards a botched operation - but then, the medical profession blames smoking for everything else, so why not for chronic nipple decay also?

The Dawn of the Zombie Nipple is joined today by Death by Shandy.

In a drive to encourage teenagers to give blood, a company gave away bottles of shandy. Not just bottles, but whole cases of the stuff. Enough to distil into almost a pub measure of vodka if your distillation apparatus has 100% recovery.

The medics are Outraged as usual.

A spokesperson from the health authority said: 'Donating blood is a completely altruistic act and NHS Blood and Transplant (NHSBT) does not welcome or condone this sort of promotional activity in association with the generous act of donation.
'There is also an inappropriate general health message conveyed through this promotion.

It's shandy. Not pub shandy, not half beer and half lemonade. Bottled shandy. The stuff real people used to let five-year-olds drink, back in the days when adults were in charge.The stuff that had no effect on anyone at all, ever, throughout the whole of its existence as a drink, other than to hasten the next trip to the toilet. Liver damage by shandy? Only if you swim in it after having nine-tenths of your liver removed.

They are giving this shandy to students who routinely drink shots of some luminous stuff washed down with the deadliest beer they can find. Shandy will no more encourage them to binge drink than would lemonade.

Lest we develop the notion that the local people are rolling eyes and tut-tutting at this ridiculous over-reaction from the Health Police -

Local residents have also slammed the manufacturer for encouraging binge drinking in Leeds which has one of the country’s largest youth populations.

The locals are fully indoctrinated and have been correctly de-brained on the NHS, and smokers' and drinkers' taxes have paid for it. Surely, encouraging shandy drinking can only be a good thing? Compare it to, say, whacking down gobfuls of barley wine or chugging vodka from the bottle. Wouldn't these people be happier if the students went out on a Saturday night and drank nothing but shandy?

As for the company, surely, surely they must have said what Buckfast said to these nannying simpletons? Surely they responded with 'Git awa' tae buggery, ye daft wee gobshites'?

Last night, Turbo Drinks company spokesman Nigel Tarn, who has previously worked on the launches of Red Bull, Peroni and Crabbie's Alcoholic Ginger beer, admitted the promotion had been a huge error of judgement.
He said: 'We employ numerous freelance staff and require them to create their own promotions.
'One of them naively thought that by doing the promotion they would be highlighting the shortage of blood and ensuring new donors. 
'We now recognize this to have been in poor taste and have terminated the campaign.

Nope. They caved to the Righteous. Idiots. There will now be another push against this company, now that they have shown weakness.

Wait for the whines from the NHS that their blood donor rate has plummeted as all those students take a rather different line from the shandy-sellers. I would like to thank those Righteous for the useful tip they gave in the story too. If you've had a drink in the last 24 hours, they won't suck the blood out of you. Useful to know in case one of the mobile vampire trucks rolls into town.

I am happy to report the single malt flows here this evening thanks to the generosity of donors. It's the Singleton this time and there is enough donated booze-money for more tomorrow. Shandy? Hell no, that's against health regulations so I won't be touching that stuff. Besides, that shandy is made by girlie men who roll over and bleat at the behest of the Righteous. Drinking that stuff will turn you soft and dilute your mind.

I'm smoking too and let me just check - yes, both nipples are in place and there is no sign of blackening, loosening or flaking. So far, so good. Not that I have any real use for them anyway, other than as cold indicators.

Ah, smoke and whisky, twin islands of sanity in a world gone utterly bonkers. My blood is no good to the NHS. It's got sense in it.


Anonymous said...

Why on earth would the NHS want my nicotine and alcohol riddled blood anyway?

I do everyone else a favour and keep my blood to my toxic self.

Angry Exile said...

I thought you were making the nipple thing up. As for the blood donation, it's not always been altruistic. I used to go for the tea and biccies. Come to think of it I was a smoker so would transfusing my blood have made the recipient's nipple fall off? No longer a problem for me as the Australians don't want my blood on account of it having mad cows in it.

Leg-iron said...

Anon- I have, in the past, been Righteoused at for saying I will no longer donate my organs or blood. Don't they get it? They declared war on smokers and they want us to be nice to them? No. Let the buggers die.

Leg-iron said...

AE - there are things I can't make up. These days it's most things.

Back when I gave blood they didn't even ask about smoking or drinking or diet or anything. They tested it and they took it.

Now you have to pass a lifestyle exam. Sod that. Let the drones die.

Anonymous said...

Another ex donor here. They were happy with my blood for years but now its all mine.

Anonymous said...

Ah, and the skin on your face will turn black and fall off, too, sez Dr. Youn.

Kinda reminds me of how you'll go blind and your dick will fall off if you don't keep your hands on top off the covers.

Twenty_Rothmans said...

I used to get _paid_ 50DM per time, and I could smoke in the waiting room.

Came around to the idea of not donating organs when the 'opt out' concept was mooted. The gimp who complained about being given a smoker's lungs sealed it.

David Davis said...

You're in the Daily Mail, old fella. Love it, I nearly had a coronary laughing, from the effect of your humour....could I have died from thrid-hand smoke, in effect...?

manwiddicombe said...

The headline is inflammatory (what do you expect from the Mail?) but the substance of the article is, from my own experience, correct. When I had an operation to repair my ankle the surgeon told me to lay off the fags for 6 weeks to give the capillaries in the area a chance to regrow.

KP said...

It's TRUE! Girl in my office has just been out for a fag, it's -1 outside and there was no sign of any sticky-out nippleage on her return (I checked most thoroughly).

Where'd I put the gaffa tape?

The Filthy Engineer said...

"Passive smokers beware! If your nipples drop off in a public place you could be fined for littering. Avoid embarrassment and fines with Leg-iron's Nipple Tape. Extra-sticky and guaranteed to guard against spontaneous nipple droppage. Must be peeled off and replaced daily for no real reason other than I like to see idiots in pain. Keep those nipples where they belong and don't risk picking up the wrong ones from the carpet of lost nipples soon to cover every high street in the land. Smoker passes you in the street? Hold on to your nipples! If your hands are full, get a friend to hold them for you. Better yet, get Leg-iron's Nipple Tape and you can pass smokers with the confidence only a secure nipple can give you. Get your Nipple Tape now. Stocks are limited. (Might contain nuts)"

Read more:

I presume that was written by you in the comments.

george said...

Here's someone who wants to tax meat to make us thinner..

Haven't they heard of the meat only Atkin's diet ? That made you thinner allegedly although it gave you Satan's breath as well.

And what would they clsssify as meat ? I enjoy a jock pie as much as the next man but I don't know what's inside it but it certainly isn't what you would call 'meat'. It would be taxed needlessly.

Rex Mundi, Smoker Extraordinaire said...

It's good to see that 'healthy, sporty types' are also being slowly denormalized.

Best do nothing in your free time and everybody, please try to walk at the same pace.;1n

Anonymous said...

A bad workman blames his tools?

Nicotine Accelerates Angiogenesis and Wound Healing in Genetically Diabetic Mice

"From a historical point of view, leaves or extracts of tobacco plants have been used in the management of wound treatment by shamans and native healers."

"Conversely, apart from these isolated reports and historical anecdotes, there has been a consensus in the medical and scientific community that tobacco use impairs wound healing.

Indeed, a recently published clinical trial demonstrates that preoperative smoking intervention significantly reduces the occurrence of postoperative wound-related complications in smokers undergoing elective surgery.

This study would appear to conflict with our observations."


Anonymous said...

Niacin prodrug sparks wound healing benefits

"FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA. -- Leptin release stimulated by a niacin prodrug had beneficial effects on wound healing in a recent study Dr. Elaine L. Jacobson said at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery.

The findings may have implications for patients undergoing cosmetic surgery procedures, said Dr. Jacobson, professor of pharmacology and toxicology at the University of Arizona, Tucson, and president of Niadyne Inc., the company developing niacin prodrugs.

In mouse studies, the satiety-regulating cytokine leptin, which is predominantly expressed by adipocytes, has been shown to be associated with improved wound healing; in contrast, leptin deficiency is associated with severely delayed wound healing.
When leptin is released, re-epithelialization of wounds is improved."


Nicotine patches may boost intensive care risk

"The team examined the intensive care records of 224 smokers, half of which received NRT, mostly via skin patches.

Surprisingly, they found that 18 of the patients on NRT died, compared with just three of the smokers that did not receive nicotine. Also, the average duration of an ICU stay for patients given nicotine was 24.4 hours, about 2 hours longer than their cold-turkey counterparts.

"We have to be aware that we may be doing some harm [by giving patients NRT]," Afessa warns."

"He notes that many of the patients in the study had been admitted to the ICU because they had gone into sepsis due to an infection"


Anonymous said...

Then again

Septic Shock: Nitric Oxide Beneficial After All

"Scientists at VIB and Ghent University in Flanders, Belgium have found an unexpected ally for the treatment of septic shock, the major cause of death in intensive care units. By inducing the release of nitric oxide (NO) gas in mice with septic shock, researchers Anje Cauwels and Peter Brouckaert discovered that the animal’s organs showed much less damage, while their chances of survival increased significantly.

That’s contrary to all expectations, since it is generally assumed that nitric oxide is responsible for the potentially lethal drop in blood pressure in septic shock."

"According to Zapol, it all reduces to one simple thing. "Good things hide in pollutants and cigarettes," he said"


Slamlander said...

Leggy: Youse is wrong by at least three orders of magnitude. There is now a new scale of stupid with a full-scale deflection of ten thousand and this rates at the 63% range.

The sad part is that people are buying-in. Goebbles was right but he was thinking like PT Barnum who said:

"No one has ever lost money by under-estimating human intelligence."

The social engineers are channeling PT Barnum.

Anonymous said...

Way back in the 60s I was a cadet on a merchant ship in Hong Kong. The Red Cross came on board looking for blood donations,with a reward of a bottle of San Miguel beer (nicely chilled) for each donor. Needless to say everyone donated a pint. Keep you tea and biscuits!

Chalcedon said...

Leeds has this huge youth population because of the huge university. Now what do students do in the LUU bar, a very, very large bar indeed? They drink subsidised booze. A lot of it. They did when I was a student there and they still do nowadays. The spokesweasel is a complete buffoon for sating that 0.5% ABV bottled shandy might cause a problem.

Anonymous said...

I know that this is the Mail, who have always been devotees of the overly-hysterical (and usually wildly misleading) headline, but this one is so utterly laughable that I do wonder whether it is actually partly intended as a thumb to the nose towards the anti-smoking movement in order to drive home to them - in the way that only the Mail and the Sun can - just how far out of favour they now are with pretty much all the mainstream media. Jesus, even CRUK have cottoned onto the fact that the public have rumbled the whole “blame smoking for everything, always, and under all circumstances” ruse and have – in their latest “big” announcement – decided to spread the “blame” umbrella considerably wider than in recent years.

I think we should have more headlines like this, to be honest, because the more people read such, frankly, hilariously funny claims, the more people will come to see the anti-smoking movement for what it has become – a bunch of swivel-eyed zealots for whom no claim, no matter how outlandish, ridiculous or plainly untrue, is unreasonable, when levelled against tobacco use.

The time is fast approaching when the likes of ASH and their cohorts are going to have to stand up and actively deny one of these claims in order to avoid the inevitable descent from front-line defenders of health and wellbeing into a public laughing stock. I can’t wait …

Anonymous said...

"He [Dr Youn, the surgeon] had to resort to using leeches over several days to suck out the old blood and so restore the woman's nipples to a healthy pink." (Daily Mail)

LOL - and for aftercare he prescribed a potion of eye of newt in bats' blood...

It's hard to believe that every day isn't April 1st.


Jeff Wood said...

I used to give blood at the Edinburgh donation centre.

For a while, one had the choice afterwards of tea, coffee - and a half of Guinness.

This would be the late 1980s or early 1990s. They feel like halcyon days now. Glad I no longer live in Britain/

Anonymous said...

You seen the latest from CROK - I mean CRUK?

Cancer caused by - being fat, being a smoker, being a drinker, eating burgers and errr maybe your genetics...

So shape up or ship out folks.

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