Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Just asking for trouble.

Cadbury's new owners, Kraft, have decided that people are not eating enough chocolate so they are going to spend huge amounts of money making the products visible.

Well I never have any trouble finding them. They are usually in a display so large you can find them by chocolate smell alone. Kraft are about to waste six million beer vouchers promoting chocolate while all around, the banmeisters are preparing to lock it all away behind the shutters, along with the fags, the booze and the fizzy drinks.

The cheeeldren might eat them and there is no safe level of chocolate. It's addictive and will cause heart disease, browning of the lips and enlargement of the midsection. If a child so much as sees a chocolate bar they will soon develop a five-bar-a-day habit and end up on the street, sleeping in the gutter and stinking of Bourneville.

Sticking your head above the parapet at this time is a bad idea, Mr. Kraft. The drones are already primed to believe they will soon be assailed by legions of rotund spotty beggars, desperate for a few pennies because they haven't had a Toblerone since breakfast. Second-hand obesity has already been suggested, and now you can even catch obesity if you hang around with chubbies.

Chocolate addiction is already well established in the popular consciousness. That part is easy. Warning labels are on the way, with pictures of rotting teeth and spotty faces and overhanging bellies. Then will come plain packaging, and then the behind-the-counter sales. Really, Mr. Kraft, there is no sense in making your products more visible. You're just making them easier targets.

I haven't heard 'Big Chocolate' mentioned yet although Kraft would better fit the monicker 'Big Cheese'. The 'Big Food' one covers it all, perhaps, but it would be nice if the banmeisters tried to develop a little bit of humour. If they did that though, they wouldn't be banmeisters.

I wonder if that 'Old Jamaica' chocolate is still around? I haven't seen it for a long time. For some reason I have a hankering for a chocolate bar flavoured with booze. Oh wait, it's just after Christmas. There should be discount liqueurs available! 

I think I'll pay a visit to Local Shop later.

72 comments:

Simon Cooke said...

Kraft are more "Big Coffee" - KenCo, Maxwell House - and the Church of Public Health is already on to that drink!

http://theviewfromcullingworth.blogspot.com/2011/12/it-had-to-happen.html

Leg-iron said...

VGIF has the tale of the Fat Tax Pushers today. I wonder if Kraft imagine chocolate will be immune?

http://velvetgloveironfist.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-effect-will-fat-tax-have.html

Rob F said...

I read that eating chocolate increases the amount of seretonin in the brain. It must be dangerously addictive, then. People, keep to your SSRI meds. Just say No to chocolate!

Oh, and you didn't mention that chocolate regularly contains insect pieces. Keep yourselves safe from malaria, everyone.

Have a happy, sober New Year. Always remember - people don't cause violence. Alcohol does.

And don't smoke either, or your nipples will probably drop off.

Oldrightie said...

Spark Up, what an infantile piece of cretinous shite thou art. Bet you toss off reading your own rubbish, childish crap. Still with folk like you around it sure as hell shows why the planet is such a cess pit of moronic crap. I will not call you a hoon (cunt) since that would be a great disservice to the fount of all joy. Not that you would have the faintest clue as to that which I refer, being so recently spawned of same! Still children do need outlets, don't they.

Oldrightie said...

Weren't very good, were you?

http://sparkedoff.blogspot.com/

Leg-iron said...

OR - he's not a problem. Blogger lets me mark multiple posts before pressing the 'goodbye' button, while he has to get through the word verification even on his copy and paste efforts.

prog said...

Probably too late for them to use this as a defence....

'Cadbury was influenced in his choice of trade by his temperance beliefs – he felt alcohol was a major cause of poverty and other social ills, and saw cocoa and chocolate as alternatives.'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Cadbury

PS. Sparky's got a lot of stamina. His cock must be red raw. Seems his keyboard's a bit sticky as well.

Oldrightie said...

Cheers Leg Iron, Prog.

Oldrightie said...

"desicion."

Whoops, getting excited and finger slipping or just childish lack of spelling ability? Do tell.

Anonymous said...

Such a strange weirdo, this troll. Why waste valuable blog space with blank to over-dramatize issuing a demand for comment verification which makes NO sense at all. It isn't warped, delusional, demanding, not even childish. It just lacks total logic and thus intelligence. It's someone of no intelligence what-so-ever. How strange.

nisakiman said...

Oh yes. I'm very impressed by your razor sharp wit and perspicacity Mr Spark.

Can you do anything else?

I mean, like, go forth and multiply, for instance?

spark up said...

why thank you nisakiman, i hopefully wont be too boring cos there is a variety of disruption available

Leg-iron said...

Oh, Sparky, you've been trolling your own blog! Am I sure it's you? Certain.

john miller said...

Waitrose.

But I think it's only rum-flavoured nowadays.

Bill Sticker said...

How about Chocolate beer? That should have the righteous jumping off bridges. With any luck.

prog said...

Seems so...he may as well re-launch as 'Johnny no Mates'. Not that anyone would notice, let alone care.

Quite sad really...

Leg-iron said...

Damn. Tesco closed at seven. No liqueurs tonight. I'll just have to dip a flake in my whisky.

spark up said...

come on legster, you make claims, you threaten and then you delete the shite and change the subject.

the trolling is getting longer the more you blag....your choice.

POST WHAT YOU HAVE

Leg-iron said...

Bill - there are chocolate flavours for Electrofag. So you can smoke it while drinking it.

Leg-iron said...

Sparky - you haven't yet understood the game, have you?

spark up said...

i understand exactly.

i troll and you delete...thats it.

if you have anything then go ahead and do what you have to. all im doing is pleading with you to post my personal information on the blog or act on it.

the game is disruption until you choose to end it

Leg-iron said...

I have never posted anyone's personal info online and I am not even going to do that to you.

And no, that's not the game.

spark up said...

mind games...piss poor real piss poor fat face.

i know exactly who and where you are...its plastered over tinternet.

spark up said...

i think i've softened you up enough now so i'll admit what you knew anyway. i'm certifiably mad ... utterly loco.

mind games don't work on me because i lost mine a long time ago ... leave this comment here without deleting as there is no chance of anything else i write being as truthful.

everyone knows i have you running scared at my insanity ... i win.

nurse!

Leg-iron said...

Of course you know who I am, you div. It's printed on the front of those books I'm selling. I lost any pretence at anonymity in April when that novel came out.

You're not scary enough to get into one of my stories.

troll tip said...

the trouble with personal information and blogs is that stuff that they thought is hidden and forgotten can haunt them later...some folk appear to be chasing media careers , print, radio , t.v.

just a reminder to you bloggers out there.

spark up said...

so many email addresses...so easy.

now thats the game some wouldnt want played.

spark up said...

i am quite happy to keep the game to level 1 trolling like this...which you can end when you choose leggy.

if you choose to threaten and bluff without proof then i will turn the notch up and fire a few emails off all anonymous of course.

i prefer proof rather than bluff...bluff makes it worse for you

Rob F said...

Cue Dickie reading every single one of Leg-Iron's previous posts to try to get ammo, and then claiming that he really wouldn't bother doing that because he'd only be censored, anyway...

By the way Dickie, love what you did with your hair. Is it gel or something else? And pull your pants up, man.

Yes, we can all see youuu!

PJH said...

"I wonder if that 'Old Jamaica' chocolate is still around? I haven't seen it for a long time."

Under that name, it's available, but only via mail order in the UK for some obscure reason. (Think it came from Australia for some reason.)

I found some for the OH a couple of Xmas's ago.

There are still some look-a-likey's around on the cheap however.

spark off said...

censorship...who gives a shite, i will get deleted and i accept that, it makes me smile leggy wants most of his posts kept secret too...lmao.

the game leggy has been playing is threats of exposing who i am...when infact its the wannabe media stars who have got most to lose.

Leg-iron said...

Sparky, as you are aware, the only posts getting deleted are yours. Not one of mine has gone.

Yet you seem almost sane on Facebook. Still no shift key on your computer though.

Leg-iron said...

This is just standard troll stuff. Claiming he's been threatened when he hasn't, while putting out threats to boost my publicity. Can't you come up with something new?

Anonymous said...

I bought some Chocolate Vodka recently at a farmers' market (which the Righteous, no doubt, believe to be the epitome of wholesome goodness):) Sounds disgusting but is rather delicious. A spirit with chocolate flavouring, drunk neat - the very thought should kill a few Rs from shock - an added bonus :)

You've reminded me that I haven't seen Old Jamaica for years but it shouldn't be so hard to make:

take a sheet of greaseproof, soak sultanas/raisins and demerara sugar in rum and spread over paper. Swirl melted chocolate over the whole lot and leave to set. (my adaptation of a Jamie Oliver recipe) :>

Jay

spark off said...

thats the new bit leggy.....ya know bloggers, celebs, some folk. (plural)

there is more than one of you with skeletons in ya blogs.

anything i send by email to anyone will only contain what the blogger has posted themselves.


anyway now we are backtracking on threats as the reality of personal information on bloggers and the damage it can do sinks in oh so slowly., we can return to the simple game of trolling and comment moderation.

one more threat of personal information without proof means one email gets sent and i will let you know where it went

Leg-iron said...

PJH - It's probably because any mention of 'Jamaica' is likely to offend someone.

Jay - thanks for the recipe. I'll give that a try. I wonder how well it works with whisky?

spark up said...

what am i like? even after the medication i still can't stop coming here and showing myself as loopy.

of all the blogs in all the world ... i had to come to this popular one to publically soil my underpants with sticky troll joy.

your move, leggy ... make me cum again while i watch goatse porn

spark up said...

i couldn\\\'t give a shite about wether you posted my real name or not, i just know you havent a clue and despite my requests for you not to blag further you continue to do so.

i will give you this warning now....if you post a name , address or anything thats fine and nothing will be sent via anyonymous email as i will honour my promise not to do anything about that

if you choose to bluff and blag without anything to back it up an email will be sent.

this is not going to happen tonight because i have something a lot more interesting to do and you need a good nights sleep to ponder about comment moderation and blagging and emails sent to real people about real people.

Freebird Jussy said...

Yes you did, No l didn't, Yes you did - l hate pantomime season, more so when it's so mind numbingly boringly performed. Will it be competing against the run of Mousetrap or will sanity prevail?

Rob F said...

Oh, dear Dickie, goatse porn? I saw that picture once a few years ago, and have never let it back inside my head since. Strange that it should come so quickly to your mind (or what's left of it).

Leg-iron said...

Spark Up - comment moderation will not be turned on. Why? Because that is the only thing you want. Why you want it, only your deranged mind knows.

It would make no difference anyway. I'd still have to go through the posts and release the ones from real people. This way all I have to do is tag yours and press 'gone' and they're gone. All your work vanished in an instant, leaving no trace. It only takes a minute.

As to your threats, are they the same as you used on Pat? What do you imagine you can achieve by Emailing bits of a blog that is already available to the entire planet? Anyone with a computer can read everything that's written here.

Everything.

winston said...

I've found that chocolate, Old Jamaica, on Amazon of all places...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cadbury-Bournville-Old-Jamaica-180g/dp/B003VRU504/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325018053&sr=8-1

I think I'll see if they do mint cracknel, aztec bars and spangles as well :)

Anonymous said...

Truth be told, I actually stopped buying any Cadbury's product when Kraft bought them out.

A few weeks later, I was vindicated as, after assuring everyone that production in this country was safe, Kraft closed the Bristol (?) factory, and moved its production to ... Poland!

Also why I avoid all Heinz products, including HP Sauce and Lea & Perrins, when the Birmingham plant was closed, with production moving to that well-known haven of cheap labour - Holland.

RSP

Anonymous said...

I bought Old Jamaica in Tesco a couple of weeks ago, first time I had seen it for ages. Still tasted as nice.

Leg-iron said...

Winston - Amazon stock everything now - and if they don't stock it themselves, they link to a man who does. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find Man with a Van on there one day.

RSP - I'm not much of a chocolate eater, and when I do it's normally Galaxy. As for HP sauce, it's not the same as it used to be. I can never understand why a company takes over a successful product line and then buggers it up.

Angry Squaddie said...

Dear "spark up",

Do be a good chap and fuck the fuck off, you cunt.

Yours,

AS

Rob F said...

Disrupted, Dickie?

What exactly have you disrupted? We right wing hate-mongers are still having fun.

Rob F said...

I only like dark chocolate, preferably chilled.

I tried a warm Yorkie Bar once - afterwards I wanted to clean my teeth with one of those machines that they use to clean gum from pavements.

How can anyone eat that stuff?

Leg-iron said...

Folks, just talk around him and I'll wipe him away like a tacky clingon whenever I log in.

Rob F - noooo, the chocolate must be on the point of melting to be properly enjoyed. All gooey and nasty.

winston said...

This site seems to have a lot of the old sweets and chocolate...

http://www.sweetgreetingsshildon.co.uk/do-you-remember-/cat_23.html

Leg-iron said...

winston - there was a shop in Cardiff that had all the 1960's sweets.

Unfortunately at 2020 prices.

Anonymous said...

whatever.
sam

seriously ive no idea why i'm reading this anymore,one minute your blog is part of my waking up routine, you know, fifty fags and ten cups of coffee and the next minute its all about a nasty troll which spooks me. sort it or lose a reader is my thought, cos i cannot cope with it at all. and that seriously is my honest opinion.

Leg-iron said...

Are you handing me clues on a plate here?

Anonymous said...

who ? me ? i'm sam@ sende.co.uk, do you mean me ? ive got an ancient website called, hang on a minute,

http://www.sende.co.uk/

i used to do fractals, i don't cope well with trolls at all. and im not liking what i read righ now to the pont where i keep on looking t comments even if im sure ive said nothng wrong, it so disquientens me.

Leg-iron said...

sam- things are a bit delicate around here at the moment. I have a few lines out and I'm waiting for a bite. Some components of your comment sounded like bait taken.

I like your work. Do you do book covers?

winston said...

I worked in call centres for many years leggy so know how many disgusting, filthy and sad people are out there.
But I also know there are brilliant people like yourself and your readers which always gives me hope.
We'll have to have a meet up and get pissed up and laugh at the weird and disgusting side of humanity that we have to endure.

Leg-iron said...

winston - if we meet, one day, it will be an evening the Ban Brigade will talk about for years.

For real brilliance though, take a look at sam's link above. I could sell thousands of books with those covers.

You know who I would erase from history if I could? Not Hitler, Not Stalin, but e. e. cummings. The twat made it okay to never use the shift key!

winston said...

I'll check out those links tomorrow leggy.
Would be brilliant if we could arrange a good smokey drinky piss up ( and I don't even smoke lol)
Would be a good payback for all your years of blogging and informing.
Nighty night.

Anonymous said...

hey, i never use the shift key, i can't type for toffee, i do book covers better than type. i'm quite happy to do anykind of book cover you would like.
sam

Leg-iron said...

Sam- I have sent a sample of the writing by email, so you can decide whether to be involved. I will not be upset if you don't like it.

JuliaM said...

"I tried a warm Yorkie Bar once..."

I think, in order to truly enjoy them, you have to drive a Scania... ;)

Andy said...

I've obviously come to this very late indeed but would someone kindly brief me as to what I've missed here?

This spark up chap and a couple of the anons which may well also be the same chap has a clear bee in the bonnet about something but I can't make out what his 'beef' is?

I have no interest whatsoever to be honest other than being fascinated by the ding-dong!

Mr Spark up, can you tell me what's going on please?. Something is driving you. I'm not out to score a single 'point' mate, I'm interested as such things do create....Honest.



And Leggy, I hope you got my pics demonstrating how to produce a real coffee orgasm......

Cheers.

andy said...

Thank you for that.

I can (honestly) see how such taunts would provoke 'ire'. I really can.

My point, I suppose, would be that you are very clearly demonstrating that you have, in fact, been very much provoked and taunted and I suspect that others reading my reply here would concur with the view that you are having trouble containing your emotive responses accordingly.

I ask you to believe that I am coming from this from the perspective of the disinterested but interested observer as I have nothing to gain or lose by interacting with you and just happen to have spare time accordingly at the moment(yes, I am someone who has read leg-iron daily for some years now.) My perspective is more 'academic' than 'personal'. (The blank screens are inconvenient only so would have something to gain if they weren't there I suppose).

Reply with an appropriate response and you will be demonstrating a strength of character which is not yet apparent.

My name really is Andy and I'm just a regular guy with a regular job, family etc...

Thank you kindly for replying with your views above.

I thank leggy more for allowing the exchange on his turf.

andy said...

Ok,

Thank you for that.

Andy

andy said...

I really was trying mate.

Thank you again for clarifying matters in my mind.

I really do look forward to observing your input in the future. Quite fascinating.

Sorry Leggy, I won't trespass further on your time.

Andy.

Angry Squaddie said...

There's an even simpler solution as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to continue to read the blog but this is the last time I read the comments until LI reports that the cunt has gone.

Thanks for making my day just slightly less pleasurable and may your next shit be a hedgehog.

AS

andy said...

Angry Squaddie

I was also an angry squaddie for some years and see what you're getting at but wouldn't that be Mr Spark Up winning his battle which, as I see it, is that Leg-Iron SHOULD introduce moderation?

I know it's generally a somewhat petulant position for the parties to hold but if the stance is a principled one??......


Am I making sense?

What do you think?

andy said...

Umm....who's 'shit' were you referring to?

Not clear.

Angry Squaddie said...

Hedgehog shit, what shit do you think i was talking about

Angry Squaddie said...

I was referring to spark off and his next shit resembling a hedgehog instead of a regular stool

Andy said...

You can even talk about shit on the blog in peace

fucking troll

Avenger said...

Right, I'm using my my Google account from now on.

I must have really been getting to him.

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