Wednesday 24 March 2010

Thinking sleazy thoughts.

Okay, the whisky level has just exceeded the level of sensible scientific writing so it's blogging time.

I remember when John Major was Prime Monster. You know, the grey one. After Thatchzilla, he was definitely the B-feature for that particular show. The newspapers tried to make out he was having an affair and nobody would believe them.

Major? The Grey Librarian? Never! He gave the impression he slept in Paisley pyjamas, had cocoa at bedtime and a boiled egg with toast soldiers every morning, and he always kept his socks on. No way could he be having an affair. But then... the egg should have given us a clue. The wench with the nose of great size (extraordinarily tenuous link to Kate Bush song there, the clue is in the rhythm) who warned him about the deadliness of his eggs then took him aside for a little egg-fertilisation practice.

Then there was David Mellor, the most hideous creature to have been born of woman or sea anemone or some Hell-inspired cross between the two. He'd been bonking away in a Chelsea shirt and the newspapers had photos. I couldn't look.

I remember thinking that if I looked like him, and the newspapers said 'We're going to tell the world you had sex. With a woman', I'd be thinking 'Oh, thank you. Nobody will believe me when I tell them'.

I think the point is, if there is one, that when Major's government did sleaze, a lot of it was funny. Grey Major was bonking the woman who modelled for Concorde while Mellor probably paid a woman to tell the papers she'd slept with him because he couldn't possibly pay her enough to really do it. There just wasn't that much money in the world at that time. Quantitative Sleazing hadn't been invented.

The current Gorgon government are not funny. They don't entertain like Carry On After Thatcher did. They are more like the Gorgonfather. The stuff coming out now is just nasty. Very, very nasty indeed.

But then, socialists don't do 'funny'. If Cameron wins in May, can I recommend the Benny Hill theme as triumphal music?

With clips of Boris chasing scantily-clad nubile wenches around the Commons. It doesn't mean a damn thing in terms of policy but it would cheer us all up no end.

Go on, Dave. You know you want to. Sod the PC rubbish. That's a socialist idea and you really don't want us to start calling you Red Dave, now do you?


banned said...

Notwithstanding 'Quantitative Sleazing', it has recently been exclusivly revealed that David Mellors alleged Chelsea kit sex romps were in fact a big fat Max Clifford fib, fancy that?

Leg-iron said...

I can believe it. It's more credible than the idea that David Mellor had kinky sex with a real woman.

Or even a plastic one.

Stewart Cowan said...

"Okay, the whisky level has just exceeded the level of sensible scientific writing so it's blogging time."

The whisky level may also have transported you into the land of optimism!

With being an alcoholic, I have to find other routes to that particular place these days, but I'm not sure I could consume enough booze, or any other substance, to convince me that Cameron might abandon PC.

Cameron has apologised for Section 28. This was one of the most appropriate and important pieces of legislation made during the 18 years of Thatchzillarism.

It's more likely Dave will introduce 'gay' marriage and then have a 'Church' of England wedding himself, walking down the aisle with David Mellor.

Then they'll have their honeymoon in the Swiss B&B in Berkshire, by which time, the electric shock therapy will have made Mrs Wilkinson comply with the new PC laws.

Simon said...

Yup, Tories are so much better at sleaze - at least the entertainment value of it. This lot are just troughing.

hey Leg-iron, see doctors are calling for a ban on smoking in all cars?

Dave H said...

Kate Bush? I thought it was by Gary Glitter.

P.T. Barnum said...

@Dave H

Nah, you're thinking of The Man with the Child in his Grasp. Broke into the bottom 10, that one.

Anonymous said...

You forget Cook and Prescott,both Mellor-level achievers in the field.

Leg-iron said...

Stewart - Cameron won't abandon PC unless he realises what it's for. It's not there for his benefit any more than ours.

Gays aren't the enemy either. They're being used to push something else entirely, just like all the other groups we've been split into.

As I said at your place, some of those 'favoured' groups are already being turned on, those new controls on immigrants and travellers are just the beginning. All those terrible stories about immigrants and travellers mean that the public will have no sympathy.

I certainly won't be celebrating when the government turn on the gays or any other group because they are not going to stop there.

We're all on the list this time.

Leg-iron said...

I'm going to have to make those Kate Bush references more obscure. You're getting them too easily.

I'm working on a corruption of 'Suspended in Gaffa' which involves lampposts. It might take a little while.

Leg-iron said...

Anon - ah yes, Prescott and Cook. Labour passed through that ordinary sleaze stage and moved on to bigger things.

Leg-iron said...

Simon - just waiting for the first case of someone being fined for not displaying a 3'x4' 'no smoking' sticker on the bonnet of their pride and joy...

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