Wednesday, 17 March 2010

A Jury of your Grandad's Peers.

Found somewhere or other. I forget. It's me age, you know. Mrs. Brady originally comes from Vizland, a place where the Righteous dare not tread.

The Monsters in government really have nothing much to do, so they plan to send those in the 70-90 age group off to do jury service.

Fine with me. The way I smoke and drink, it would be illegal for me to get that old. They won't believe I'm still alive even if I am.

It does conjure up a great image though. Imagine the contents of the nursing home discharged into the jury box.

Judge: Silence in court.

Juror 1: What's 'e saying?

Juror 2: 'e says shut yer gob.

Juror 3; Eh?

Judge: Silence!

Juror 4: Who's that nice young man in the glass box?

Juror 5: That's the rapist.

Judge (turning purple) Silence! may I remind you that the accused is innocent until proven guilty?

Juror 3: Eh?

Juror 6: Innocent, eh? They all say that you know. All them rapists.

Juror 7: He looks a bit shifty to me. What's that in his trousers?

Juror 1: What's 'e saying?

Judge: SILENCE. Please?

Juror 8: There's no need to shout.

Juror 3: Eh? What's everyone whispering about?

Juror 4: Never mind. We'll tell you when to vote 'guilty'.

Juror 9: When do we get our tea?

Juror 10: Tea be buggered. Where's the gin?

Judge: Will you be quiet?

Juror 11: I haven't said a word. He doesn't half go on, doesn't he? On and on and on. You'd think he was in charge or something.

Juror 4: He is in charge. He's the Beak.

Juror 7: No, you silly old bat. That's a magistrate. This man is one of those things with a wig on.

Juror 12: Des O'Connor?

Judge: (in tears). Please be quiet. Please, for God's sake, stop talking.

Juror 3: Eh?

Juror 1: We ought to be more respectful when he asks us to be quiet, you know.

Juror 6: Doris is right. 'e's an old man, after all.

It would really be worth being on that jury.


John Pickworth said...

Until ultimately....

Judge: "Would the accused like to say anything to the Court before sentencing?"

Accused: "Yes. When I'm not out head-butting babies and raping people, I tend war graves, sing Irish ballads and adopt kittens."

The Jury: "Arrrrgh, isn't he sweet? Not guilty."

banned said...

Isn't that a bit Ageist? Who do I denounce you to, Hariet Harman or Trevor Phillips?

JuliaM said...

Simply outstanding!

Furor Teutonicus said...

The rights of older people to play a full part in civic life should take priority over the risk that they will fall asleep or forget the evidence, a consultation paper said

SO! They now come out with it in public ""Equality" is more important than a fair trial".

Accused: "I am not accepting the verdict, That old git was asleep for half the trial!"

Judge: "Six months longer for "ageism".

Not possible???

Aye fucking RIGHT!

Vladimir said...

Interesting. A common complaint about juries is that they include people who are too young, with too little life experience to have good judgment. I think there's something to be said for that. Suppose you're accused of a non-crime like a smoking ban violation? A jury of young people fresh out of school is surely very likely to side with the state, whereas a jury of old people might have the moral strength to acquit on the grounds that the law is wrong.

Furor Teutonicus said...

Aye Vladimir, "I am 90, and smoked 200 Capstains per day since I was 12, and I am still fit.So sod the smoking ban."

Good point.

Shittius Stirrius said...

This is what they spend their money on:-

2010 Delegates 225 ( Registered so far )

2009 Delegates 846

2008 Delegates 759

2007 Delegates 603

2006 Delegates 523

2005 Delegates 585

Mrs Rigby said...

Hah! That's brilliant L-I.

Thanks for the chuckle

Anonymous said...

That put a grin on my face all day long

You do have a way with words


Nathan Brittles said...

Tea, snot, phlegm etc all over my brand new lop tap. Sod you LI.

Leg-iron said...

Further -

Juror 7: Damn, I've dropped a stitch.

Juror 11: uh-oh. Nurse!

Juror 3: Is he the judge? He looks far too young.

Judge: [head hits desk] I hate this government.

Leg-iron said...

It can be a god thing and a bad thing. On the good side, they won't be influenced by modern PC nonsense and the public gallery, if available, will be packed for the show.

On the negative side, they're more likely to nod off or forget the evidence.

I think jurors can be fined for nodding off. Hmm, I smell a revenue generator...

Leg-iron said...

Nathan - I'll have to put up a disclaimer. And sell perspex screen shields.

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