Rhinestony Smokeboys.

Saddle up the horses, the Smoky Gang is a-comin' to town.

Later today, a little after sun-up but before high noon, we find out what the antismokers are made of. Will they turn up in filter masks and chant slogans? Have they formed Unite Against Fag-ends? Somehow I doubt it.

They're very brave when sneering at one smoker, but I have noticed that they don't say a word when there's a group of smokers. Unless they can do it from a safe distance. Oh, in the comments to any smoke-related newspaper article, they say they'll skin alive any smoker who dares to taint their pristine nostrils with the merest hint of a scent they find displeasing. They like to claim we are all weak and stupid but dare not put it to the test when they see us. See, we used to hang around in pubs. A lot. Dodgy ones, rough ones, loud ones and quiet ones. We don't just let you hit us.

Yes, it's a taunt. Go on, antismokers, start a real war in Stony Stratford. Bring it all into the open. Let's have your arguments dissected and examined in detail. Let's see the evidence for all those claims. Go on, argue with the seasoned smokers and devilish debaters who are coming to town. Scream your hysterical nonsense at the calm and relaxed groups you see there, and show the world who is the real danger here.

They won't, because the guns they wave have never been loaded. The axes they wield have never been sharp. There is nothing at all behind those arguments other than pure spite and even the most dedicated drone knows it, deep down. 'I don't like the smell'. That is not it in a nutshell. That is it in total. There is nothing else, nothing at all.

And so, because they don't like the smell, they have banned us from pubs they never visited, disallowed us from forming our own official places, thrown us onto the street and now propose to ban us from there too. Then they'll be knocking on the doors of our homes. "What if someone with children wants to live in this house after you?" They have denied us employment and graciously allowed us shelters you'd be prosecuted for keeping a dog in. These people are evil, there is no other description that fits, and you cannot reason with evil. You fight it or you let it win.

Dick Puddlecote has the Bartlett creature on tape. Listen to the voice of deranged evil and if you are an antismoker, keep one thing always in mind. That is what you sound like too. You won't want to believe it, but it's true.

I can't be there myself, a combination of tight budget and a 50th-birthday smoky-drinky to deal with. This will spread, though. ASH Scotland are pushing for a ban in private cars and no, they will not restrict themselves to cars with children. What if a child were to get in that smoker's car? Never mind that a child getting into a stranger's car would likely have a lot more to worry about than smoke. No, as far as ASH are concerned, non-smoking paedo child killers are less of a danger than smoking ones. You work it out. I can't be bothered.

If they succeed I'll head to the car showroom. Those showrooms have to pay to get rid of junk trade-ins. I might get a tatty van free. Then stick it on the drive, SORN it and have three parties in it (I'd have third party insurance in case the last one got out of hand).

Next week I plan to visit Wales. All paid for, and not from anyone's taxes. I have Ewe-mailed all my ex-girlfriends in case Randy Nige and Evan the Wellies have been neglecting them. Last time I was there, the antismoker rhetoric was already breaking among nonsmokers and that was two years ago. It will be interesting to see whether it's snapped completely yet.

If not, it'll need a hand.

When the sun rises over Stony Stratford tomorrow, it will be more than dawn. It will be the beginning of another age of reason. No, it won't all happen tomorrow, in fact I expect the Dreadful Arnott is planning her next assault on humanity even now. It's what she's paid for. It's all she's paid for because she is no damn use at anything else. Neither are any of her collective. It will take some time yet.

This is hot on the heels of Pat Nurse's outing in Lincoln. The pace is picking up. It's going to happen over and over again. It's not happening to convince the smokers. We already know we're being shat on. It's not to convince the antismokers because they are blinded by hate and have lost the ability to reason.

ASH like to pretend that 80% of the people of this country support the smoking ban. Where did they get that figure? Well, approximately 80% of the people of this country don't smoke, therefore all of them must surely be in favour of the ban. The truth is that most of those nonsmokers don't care at all about the ban, and don't care whether it exists or not.

I would feel the same way about a ban on courgettes. Never touch them, so a ban on them would not affect me either way. If it had happened before the smoking ban I would probably have paid no attention and not realised where it was leading. If I had passed a group of courgette-lovers protesting and explaining what the ban really portended, then I'd have become interested. Without the protests I would never have noticed the increasing sidelining of the courgette scoffers.

Take note, young Clegg. Take note, Cameroid. Moribund - oh never mind, you're not likely to be around long enough to grasp the implication. All three of them hate smokers and they lead parties that hate smokers. They will support the Dreadful Arnott and the parent-hating child who became councillor without growing up, all the way. Stuff their links to Murdoch. I am not interested in their sucking-up to a wrinkly newspaper vendor and their subsequent back-stabbing of the organisation they were ALL happy to make use of when it suited them. That does not affect me here and now. This does.

They should be removed from office for their hatred of a fifth of the population they claim to represent. Their parties too. If only the other four-fifths could be made to realise - they despise you too, they just haven't made it quite so obvious yet.

Support the current wave of smokerphobia and get ready to have your daily itinerary dictated to you through the viewscreen. Even if you hate smoking, know this. The hate of smokers is not the end.

It was just the beginning.