Tuesday, 12 July 2011


Yesterday I said this :

Smoking will make you have children with webbed fingers and an affinity with dungarees and the banjo.

Today, there is this. (also here, tipped by Chris in Email). They're getting faster. I'll say no more about that dystopia story because the buggers are pinching all my ideas.

Mark Wadsworth has run the numbers. As usual, the reports are not just hyped, they are hyperhyped.

So let's recap. Second hand smoke kills nonsmokers. Third hand smoke kills them too. Direct and passive smoking causes asthma, meningitis, ear infections, stupidity, birth defects, ADHD, cot death, infertility, sperm damage, wrinkly hands, druggie teeth, and a host of other things before anyone even remembers to mention that whole raft of lung diseases.

Smoking prevalence is now 20% and it is banned from pubs, clubs, restaurants, trains, buses, planes, airports, bus stations, railway stations, all enclosed public spaces and soon outdoors, in private cars and homes. Smoking is causing all of the above when hardly anyone even sees it any more.

Thirty years ago, smoking was happening in every pub, club, restaurant, cinema, on every bus, train and plane, in airports... pretty much everywhere other than a few places that had their own restrictions. Everyone, without exception, would have been exposed to smoke at some point, at least weekly if not daily.

There is only one possible conclusion. Everyone on the planet is already dead except for a few infertile, deformed, wheezing idiots. There are no other humans alive at all. No matter what you think you see as reality, it's an illusion. There are no healthy people anywhere in the world because the past high prevalence of smoking has killed every last one of them and left the remainder deformed. You're imagining that healthy body in the mirror. The reality is that we're all hideously deformed drooling monstrosities. Extrapolate the claims for current smoke exposure to the much higher past exposure and you'll find that is the only answer possible.

What you see is illusion. Reality is horrifying because in reality, you could never possibly have been born.

Oh, and I've already published that story so nyah.


john miller said...

I'm surprised you haven't already pointed out that the air we breathe has naturally occuring "carbon" in it, which , as the Government Scientist pointed out a few years ago, is poisonous.

So the Greens should really stop consuming it, even if it's only for 10 minutes or so.

To make matters worse, when we exhale, we pollute Gaea with even more "carbon" than we've taken in, so if they haven't stopped breathing they should commit suicide immediately.

Oh, and while I'm at it, "carbon" inhalation is infinitely more addicitive than nicotine. Just try kicking that particular habit.

delcretin said...

Thanks for the explanation LI, I thought I looked a bit peaky this morning! I'd put in down to the beef dripping (we've still got real butchers here in the East Midlands) spread thickly on the last crust of the loaf I had last night after the barbie (that was a bit smoky but the flames were hypnotically soothing especially viewed through the glass of red) but since I don't smoke, well except for the barbie and the diesel, I'll take your advice and assume I'm dead. These illusions are quite good actually. I can't remember being born so perhaps I can't remember when I died, so that's alright. Mmm, barbie time again!

Leg-iron said...

John - let's save air for later ;)

They already believe that every molecule of CO2 emitted stays in the air forever because schools now teach kids about rising sea levels, drowning puppies, salt-pickled obese relatives all dying of cancer from smoking or drinking, and never once mention the carbon cycle.

All they need now is to hear about the rising-CO2 method of killing rats, connect that with their 'fact' that CO2 is building up, and their poor little hearts will explode under the strain.

There are many more rounds to play before we play the ace.

Leg-iron said...

delcretin - Captain Ranty had a link a few days ago to an amusing blog run by Bert Flange.

The funniest line on there was 'Looked in the mirror this morning. I have a face like a grieving cod.'

It's funny because I've had that morning mirror experience too.

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