One for the Shenkerites:
Drinks it out of a cider can.
Can he stand? Just about.
Don't get close, he's a lout.
Beware, here comes the Ciderman.
In the heat of night, in the park on a bench
He's been drinking hard, you can tell by the stench
Drinks and crushes the empty can.
Is he strong? Listen, bud.
He's got fifty percent proof blood.
Beware, here comes the Ciderman.
Wake up the morning, mouth dry as desert
What the hell was I drinking last night oh,
Whooah- oh, the Shenkerites.
I'll have to work on this new enemy. Not really new, they've been approaching from the horizon for quite some time but now they've made their move. So far I've concentrated on the drones of ASH and those whose terminal weak-nose disorder will kill them as fast as I can convince them it will. Nasal cancer is nasty, you can feel it getting firmer in the early stages and you'll find your nostrils flare just a little bit wider than they used to. Watch for the signs. It kills within weeks.
Ah but now there is a whole new game to play. Fortunately they play by exactly the same rules as the last lot of morons so it will only take a little fine-tuning of the malice gland. Oi, CAMRA? No, I am not on your side. I don't care if they declare you lot a terrorist organisation and there have been suggestions in their camp that they should. I've no idea where they originated. Couldn't have been from any of those smokers you shat on. I mean, they'd spot a fifth columnist in an instant because they're all clever and we smokers are just drooling, stupid addicts. So don't blame me. Not that I care at all if you do.
Here come the drinkophobes. No safe level of alcohol. Funny, there seems to be a perfectly safe level of exhaust fumes, a perfectly acceptable level of deaths due to the medical profession and an entirely acceptable level of fascism in government, and all of them extraordinarily high. But there is no safe level of alcohol, no safe level of smoke, and soon, the more dilute the alcohol the more deadly it will be. Don boy, I am going to have so much fun with your idiot drones using that. Alcohol breath will give them cancer in seconds, and they will believe it because you programmed them to. A slight tickle in the throat, a small cough, and it's game on. Don't expect fair play. I haven't received any so I won't be giving any.
Ah, the fun to have with smoky-drinky breath. I'll have to get a cape and a scythe. Actually I already have the monk outfit from many Halloweens ago, I just need a scythe. Or maybe the new Death will be portrayed with a bottle and a lighter. I suspect he might even borrow my hat. He'll probably also cough and slur his words.
You'll be presented at your end with an obese skeleton with a fag in his teeth, a bag of pork scratchings and a bottle in a brown bag. He'll say "Iiiisss (hic) time, innit (belch) oh bugger, what did I come here for again? Right, right, right, your soles, no, your soul, oh the hell with it. Drink this, smoke that, time's up probably, I don't really give a monkey's bollock. (long pause) Who are you again? Tha's right, you're ma pal, ma good pal. Take a drink, pal. Go on. Aye, go on. Tak' a fookin' drink, ya bas. Ye're fookin' deid anyway, ye ken?" Yeah, I've applied for the job. I put Dreadful Arnott and Donkey Shagger as references so I'm in with a good chance. They don't believe Death exists so I want the job before it's their turn.
Currently, the Belgian police consider sending seven vehicles to deal with two people smoking to be a proportionate response. How many will they send when those two people are smoking AND drinking? They'll need to get the army out for that one. It's the end of the world! Zombie apocalypse, almost as bad as Manchester city centre on a Saturday night. Except the zombies are more coherent and less violent. And they don't smoke so they'll get a free pass.
They don't send that many police to deal with terrorists. They don't send anyone at all to deal with muggings. If you're mugged and you call the police, say the mugger was smoking and stank of gin. They'll be there in minutes. Forget the justice system, they are busy diversifying themselves.
Crime these days consists entirely of not doing what the medics tell you. No other crime matters. You can kill someone with an axe and that's okay, but risk the delicate nose of a pompous arse and it's chokey for you.
One of those novels I'm working on is a dystopia, 1984-style. I'm going to have to abandon it. The Righteous are way ahead of me. I can't think up lunacy faster than them.
I mean, even I had not thought to demonise milk. But I have now. Oh, cheeeeldren...
Ah, drink. Safe as milk.
(First line - 'cigarette died when I washed my face' - still cracks me up).
Oh come on. You must have known a Captain B reference was due.