Thursday, 7 July 2011


I've noticed electrocandles on sale recently. They look like candles but they're just plastic pretend candles with an LED in them. No use to me, you can't light a cigarette with one of those. Although I have considered using one to pretend to light an Electrofag, just to see how surreal it can get.

Those electrocandles might well be popular soon, although the anti-candle brigade will no doubt object because they look a bit like candles and will detract from their sales of wax patches and wick gum.

It seems someone has noticed that burning candles give off smoke. The powers of observation of these scientists must be astounding, and their tenacity in the face of pointless research designed only to be published in hack-rags is truly incredible.

As is the claim that candles are now as bad for you as tobacco smoke. The Delicate Flowers are out in force in the comments as usual, but this one is hard to beat:

"I love them...I couldn't care less what the "dangers" are. I'm sick of reading that everything is bad for me all the time! - Reubenene, Somewhere In The World, 7/7/2011
Well, honey....when you develop Myelofibrosis like I have from benzene exposure, you may change your tune. - Lyn, USA, 07/7/2011 19:09

Benzene exposure. What was she doing, burning bonfire-sized piles of candles every night and funelling all the smoke into her face? Or, perhaps, working with benzene in high concentrations? The trace of benzene in (almost any) smoke isn't going to harm you. It no longer matters - if benzene is a poison, then a trace of benzene in the air is just as bad as drinking a bottle of it. Likewise, since very high doses of salt are bad for you, any salt at all is bad for you. Same for fat, sugar, anything at all. No more moderation. Zero is the only acceptable level of everything.

The human race managed to survive Nature-red-in-tooth-and-claw despite having no claws, no fur, no armour, and derisory teeth. Fire was the key to that.

Now we are to fear it, even when it's really small and sitting on top of a lump of wax.

Won't be long now before matches are banned. That's phosphorus on the end of it. Have you any idea how deadly phosphorus is? And smoke comes off it too! And they could set fire to something! We're all doomed, I tell you. Doooooomed.

As for me, I routinely use a candle to light my smokes. Double the terror!

Wait till they find out what's in incense smoke. Oooo, they aren't going to like that, not one bit. Oddly, none of them seem at all bothered about exhaust fumes.

Which is a shame, because that's what's killing them.


Amusing Bunni said...

They've been selling those fake candles out here for some years. I actually bought one, it is made out of wax, but it has the compartment on the bottom for a battery. It doesn't really look like candlelight, but
if you have a jumping pet around, it is safer for them!

You got that right on the car exhaust fumes being bad, they give me headaches, and incense isn't all that great either!
PS: I posted ur comment, it didn't take directly for some strange reason ;-)

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

It's all an interesting smokescreen...

hangemall said...

"Well we drank chanpange and danced all night,
Under electric candle light.
She picked me up and sat me on her knee,
Said "little boy won't you come home with me?""

Ah, yes. I remember those electric candles well. There's nothing new under the sun except the LED ones will use less less electricity and fossil fuels and therefore will contribute to global cooling (if you believe CO2 hass any effect at all on the climate.)

Anonymous said...

Curious, isn't it, how candles have disappeared from restaurant tables?

hangemall said...

@Junican. I wouldn't know. I haven't been in one since the snoking ban.

Leg-iron said...

No candles on tables in restaurants? No ashtrays either. They must be very roomy these days.

But, like Hangemall, I wouldn't know either.

I have also noticed that local cafes no longer have ashtrays on their outside tables. There used to be a few smokers sitting there with a coffee and a cigarette. I suppose the antismokers whined about it.

Now the tables are all completely empty, because the smokers were the regulars, not the antis.

Some people really don't like the hassle of being in business.

Anonymous said...

Haven't eaten out since the ban but can imagine that it's utterly dreary: the horrified looks when you (have to) ask for salt and you order a whole bottle of wine between two. Shouldn't be long before we have to hand over our ration cards.

Yep, the lack of ashtrays on outside tables reminds us that we're barely tolerated - in fact, don't bother asking for a smoking table at one of the dozen outside The Kings Head Hotel in Richmond, North Yorks, we're not wanted at all.


Anonymous said...

I'm OK then, I only burn handmade beeswax candles, I have even met the bees responsible, they live near a cliff in Cornwall.

The only scent is the flowers they were made from.
The scent of summer in winter, wonderful.

I only visit one cafe,after the ban I noticed it had a sign in the window saying "Smoking Encouraged" and I only go where I am welcome.


View from the Solent said...

And people hate the Frogs?

"The Lutèce Hotel in Paris has a floor of smoking rooms. It also has a small lounge near the bar with a sealed door: you can smoke in there, but you have to take your own drink in. Arriving back at the hotel one late evening, the bar was very quiet. We got a drink at the bar and opened the sealed door. It was full of music and young people dancing on the tables, cigarettes in hand. I couldn't stop laughing (it's good for you and it clears the lungs)."

David Hockney, of course, in Evening Standard


Ed P said...

Of course, reducing the exposure to these noxious chemicals could be counter-productive, as then the homoeopathic principle will apply and you are in more danger again.

There's no way out, is there? And what about the Catholic church? Will they have to stop burning incense and have fake candles too?

Perhaps it's all an islamic plot to undermine our society...

Anonymous said...

I at the doctors a couple of days ago and noticed one of the anti smoking posters. It was a list of chemicals in ciggy smoke also found in other things. All the usual BS comparisons including this:

Hydrogen cyanide......also used in gas chambers.

Not only offensive and insensitive (particularly to some older Jewish smokers perhaps), but also slightly unnerving..

SadButMadLad said...

HCN is not only found in cigarette smoke but also in wood smoke - no more BBQs, and car exhaust - no more cars. It's also found in the pits of many fruit. 100g of crushed apple seeds can produce about 10mg of HCN - ban healthy fruit they are poisonous.

Anonymous said...

Since they have set such an absurdly low threshold for claiming SHS harm they have painted themselves into a corner. Every thing that burns emits similar components and compounds therefore candles, fires, bonfires, fireworks, barbecues, incense, incinerators, matches, lighters, even cooking a steak is deadly and must be banned.

Someone may even petition the Pope to ban candles in church.

sir paypaul of the yard said...

insurrection-safe somnolent electronic-candles abound - this blog is one, for starters: it purports to promote a libertarian society by proposing, as a fundamental reason for its defence, the freedom to pursue what is probably one of the most anti-social habits imaginable, smoking, and i must therefore deduce that underdogs bite upwards is a snuffly snide excuse for a filthy column.

in contrast, of course, we have the soon-to-be-scrapped space-shuttle - which, by any standard, is a fucking dangerous flying fire-stick.

however, another not-very-all-illuminating and manifestly false-light is this evidencially emasculated eruption and slickly-staged side-show which we now recognize as the news of the world - an avidly-read-rag which for generations has successfully diverted the british public's attention from the real story of how the people have been right-royally repressed.

for, you truth, i would dearly wish to widen the remit of the judicial enquiry into police-press corruption in order to include a forensic examination of possible 'international' infection of 'other institutions', because, given that they've already had intimate contact with my own boys-in-blue, it doesn't exactly require a giant-leap-of-the-imagination to suspect that freelance members belonging to the murky underworld of murdoch's pot-pourri of private investigators (blaggards and buggers inc) have also been acting as dodgy de facto detectives for an intelligence agency - but precisely which one, i couldn't tell you...since my nose is so badly bunged-up with fifties that i'm in no position to sneeze it all out...maybe the cia, or the pia, or the ira, or the talibania, or the libyania, or the mafia, or the froggia, or the kgb, or the triads, or the commies, or even our own british security services...who knows? who really cares?...anyway, it's not my place to ask questions...i'm paid too much.

although, having said that...i do often wonder whether diane abbott and meg hillier get sweeties for appearing on sky news...and, now i mention it...there we have another dimly-lit matter how much the honourable member of parliament for greed and hypocrisy slags off news international, no normally adjusted punter's going to take a blind bloody bit of notice of what she's spouting on about...and note how the rotters at the sky studio never even bother making the poor old cow up properly...and always neglect to film her in a favourable light...very's clearly an open-and-shut case of the murdoch empire bigging-itself-up with faint flab-i-mean-flak. absolutely scandalous, i tell you. evening all.

superintendent bizzy lizzy (throne-tapping expert) said...


yes, sir p, it's not just a case of naughty-journalists 'hacking' into one's voice-mails - it's about gangster-tappers using software to access the microphones and global-positioning-systems on mobile-telephones in order to facilitate and mount continuous eaves-dropping and tracking operations on one. they plant micro-spycams and inject electronic-nano-tags into one too. it's full-scale surveillance, in one's honest opinion - and if one finds out that anyone's been listening in to one having a poo, the shit's really going to hit the flaming fan, matey.

pc fuck off said...


oh god, there's always got to be one clever cunt with a handmade beeswax fucking candle, hasn't there? now buzz off and stick it up your cornish cavern.

dave "the dachshund" cameron said...

why am i standing by andy callsong? well, basically...i can't look much more of a prick than i already do, and if the heat gets to rupert, i'm going to get my head kicked by the new world mafia.

ed "who the fuck was rebecca" rubberband said...


a week is a long time in politics: last friday i was contemplating signing over my soul to the holy godfather of news corporation in return for permission to run the country into the ground if you lot messed up in i can't even remember sucking the guy's dick three-times a week for the last ten years...and all those wild press after-parties and call-girls at wapping are a rapidly fading distant memory too...funny that...

and hey know how you said you used that private detective for smoothing out embarrassing little problems with uncooperative ladyfriends and suchlike...his name wasn't err ******* by any chance?

oh crap.

you never said a truer word, mr murdoch said...

our company must fully and proactively cooperate with the police in all investigations and that is exactly what news international has been doing

private dick said...

no wanking posts tonight, leg-iron?

hugh oventimer said...


forsooth, yet there is but one fitting manner in which this dire situation may justly be resolved, sir:

play the man, mister cameron and not the paper; for we shall this day light such a bundle of unsold copies of the news of the world, by god's grace, in england, as i trust shall never be put out (or until coulson, wade, and murdoch jr are done to a 't', at any rate).

rebekah trade said...


this hack hath offended...arrrrgh

Anonymous said...

@Pc fuck off 08.53


the gritty grammarian said...



(insert between 'or' and 'until', penultimate line)

trick trot trap said...

non-effervescent and emission-free, emancipation-safe electro-candles:

the arab spring - that's another fine example of a cia inspired false-dawn designed to have a short battery-life and flush-out all the ever-ready-to-die revolutionaries. so sublimely sick.

master mainline manipulator said...

remarkably, the art of sleaze, as practiced by the news of the world, is still plastering over the headlines, but this was never news - the real story is of a government and police force suffering from terminal corruption. whatever happened to press-focus?

Leg-iron said...

hangemall - I remember those electric candle bulbs. Filament shaped like a flame and flickered like a flame. Fascinating to watch. I suppose they're banned now.

Leg-iron said...

Bunni - I think the ones I saw were entirely plastic (saving the planet by using masses of petroleum products). I didn't buy any so can't be sure but they were far too shiny to be wax.

Leg-iron said...

Rose - that sign is all it would take to boost custom. As long as their outside area was off the street so we don't have to endure the whiners complaining that we're contaminating their diesel fume experience.

Leg-iron said...

Sadbutmadlad - interesting. I'm growing apples... are they WMD's now?

In fact, the apple crop this year looks like producing far more HCN than the tobacco plants.

Better grow more tobacco next year, or I'll spoil the antismokers' fun.

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