Porn addicts: there is a cure that doesn't involve scissors.

Are you developing arms like a hermit crab, one really big and strong and the other small and weedy? Have you taken to lining your underwear with ice packs? Are you becoming short-sighted and growing hairs on the palms of your hands? Then you might be suffering porn addiction.

Fear not, for help is at hand (whoops, sorry). There is now a website that will teach you how not to stare at undressed wenches while grasping yourself in an ungentlemanly manner.

The six-week not-for-profit program - endorsed by industry regulator The Counselling Society - costs from £89 and can be joined anonymously.

£89? Bargain. Why, you'd save that in tissues within a month. And you can join up without having to have 'Filthy Pervert' tattoed on your forehead by the enraged villagers surrounding your home with their pitchforks and flaming torches. Well, almost...

The service includes live telephone sessions with trained counsellors and 'accountability' software that monitors online activity and sends a list of viewed x-rated websites to users' therapists.

So they'll know your phone number and internet IP address and they'll get a list of the hottest sites direct from your own browsing history. Log on to Sluts-R-Us and someone will call you to tell you you've been very naughty and must be spanked. You know, I don't think that's going to work very well.

1.2 million porn addicts, eh? Since chicken-choking is, of legal and biological necessity, mostly a solitary occupation, who counted them all and how? Was someone stationed at the sewage works, watching the Man Size tissues float by? Also, what's an addict? Someone who smokes one cigarette a month is an addict, therefore anyone who glances at page 3 in the Sun must also be an addict. In future, you'll have to secretively buy that newspaper folded inside a copy of 'Sheep Fisting Weekly' so as not to arouse the other customers unfairly. Second hand filthy thinking can cause palm-blisters and trouser discomfort, studies have shown.

Other treatments include a home study program, daily exercises, audio files and access to a confidential online forum where users can discuss their conditions with, and support, fellow addicts.

Daily exercises (fnarr). I suspect that's what the 'addicts' would be trying to stop, you know. At least until the friction burns heal.

The site also offers support for the partners of porn addicts, who often feel 'traumatised' by their partners' behaviour.

Oh come on. If they are traumatised by it, why are they still there? People put up with annoying things like leaving the lid off the toothpaste or not putting milk back in the fridge, but something that leaves them traumatised? Really? I could put up with someone leaving the toilet seat down all the time but if they wanted to practice knife-throwing on me I'd be temporarily traumatised followed by permanently gone. That's another word devalued then. 'Traumatised' has been reduced to the level of 'a bit miffed'.

It's a wonderful new money-spinner and it's advancing its agenda already -

Dr Forester, who works alongside a team of trained sex counsellors, said 'tame' internet searches 'almost always' lead to looking at more extreme sexual photographs or videos.

Yes, just as one puff of cannabis will turn you into a raging crack addict within hours, one glance at the grainy boobs on page 3 will soon have you ferociously searching for badgers in lacy underwear doing unspeakable things to warthogs in suspenders. Naturally, this will shortly morph into 'anyone who looks at adult porn will move on to become a kiddie fiddler so let's get them now'.

As a bonus, it will also allow for much harder control of the internet. As if anyone didn't see that coming.

Everything is an addiction now. Even where there is no substance to be addicted to. Shopping, gambling, porn, work, exercise, all become addictions as soon as you indulge more than has been defined by the British Standard Human. You must conform absolutely or you are a deviant.

Deviants must be re-educated.