Thursday, 7 July 2011

Porn addicts: there is a cure that doesn't involve scissors.

Are you developing arms like a hermit crab, one really big and strong and the other small and weedy? Have you taken to lining your underwear with ice packs? Are you becoming short-sighted and growing hairs on the palms of your hands? Then you might be suffering porn addiction.

Fear not, for help is at hand (whoops, sorry). There is now a website that will teach you how not to stare at undressed wenches while grasping yourself in an ungentlemanly manner.

The six-week not-for-profit program - endorsed by industry regulator The Counselling Society - costs from £89 and can be joined anonymously.

£89? Bargain. Why, you'd save that in tissues within a month. And you can join up without having to have 'Filthy Pervert' tattoed on your forehead by the enraged villagers surrounding your home with their pitchforks and flaming torches. Well, almost...

The service includes live telephone sessions with trained counsellors and 'accountability' software that monitors online activity and sends a list of viewed x-rated websites to users' therapists.

So they'll know your phone number and internet IP address and they'll get a list of the hottest sites direct from your own browsing history. Log on to Sluts-R-Us and someone will call you to tell you you've been very naughty and must be spanked. You know, I don't think that's going to work very well.

1.2 million porn addicts, eh? Since chicken-choking is, of legal and biological necessity, mostly a solitary occupation, who counted them all and how? Was someone stationed at the sewage works, watching the Man Size tissues float by? Also, what's an addict? Someone who smokes one cigarette a month is an addict, therefore anyone who glances at page 3 in the Sun must also be an addict. In future, you'll have to secretively buy that newspaper folded inside a copy of 'Sheep Fisting Weekly' so as not to arouse the other customers unfairly. Second hand filthy thinking can cause palm-blisters and trouser discomfort, studies have shown.

Other treatments include a home study program, daily exercises, audio files and access to a confidential online forum where users can discuss their conditions with, and support, fellow addicts.

Daily exercises (fnarr). I suspect that's what the 'addicts' would be trying to stop, you know. At least until the friction burns heal.

The site also offers support for the partners of porn addicts, who often feel 'traumatised' by their partners' behaviour.

Oh come on. If they are traumatised by it, why are they still there? People put up with annoying things like leaving the lid off the toothpaste or not putting milk back in the fridge, but something that leaves them traumatised? Really? I could put up with someone leaving the toilet seat down all the time but if they wanted to practice knife-throwing on me I'd be temporarily traumatised followed by permanently gone. That's another word devalued then. 'Traumatised' has been reduced to the level of 'a bit miffed'.

It's a wonderful new money-spinner and it's advancing its agenda already -

Dr Forester, who works alongside a team of trained sex counsellors, said 'tame' internet searches 'almost always' lead to looking at more extreme sexual photographs or videos.

Yes, just as one puff of cannabis will turn you into a raging crack addict within hours, one glance at the grainy boobs on page 3 will soon have you ferociously searching for badgers in lacy underwear doing unspeakable things to warthogs in suspenders. Naturally, this will shortly morph into 'anyone who looks at adult porn will move on to become a kiddie fiddler so let's get them now'.

As a bonus, it will also allow for much harder control of the internet. As if anyone didn't see that coming.

Everything is an addiction now. Even where there is no substance to be addicted to. Shopping, gambling, porn, work, exercise, all become addictions as soon as you indulge more than has been defined by the British Standard Human. You must conform absolutely or you are a deviant.

Deviants must be re-educated.

20 comments:

Curmudgeon said...

It would be rather funny if porn ended up being curbed by the Righteous Left rather than the Religious Right ;-)

And do you have the URL of the site showing badgers in lacy underwear???

BilloTheWisp said...

Well, I may be old but I still find looking at naked women highly exciting.

It's just I cannot remember why anymore.

Do you think one of their "trained councillors" could give me a few pointers?

View from the Solent said...

...'tame' internet searches 'almost always' lead to looking at more extreme sexual photographs or videos.


That's me doomed to hirsute palms and bifocals then. Not 2 hours ago I was searching on 'Planck time'. That's about as tame as they get. I'll have to switch search engine though, not so much as a flash of ankle in the results.

Anonymous said...

Sound slike a brilliant wheeze.

£89 to have someone to tell you to keep your hand off your cock unless you're having a piss or a shower.

Sign me up for 5000 shares...

Leg-iron said...

Curmudgeon - unfortunately I forgot to bookmark it.

BilloTheWisp - it's like looking at private helicopters. I can't afford one and couldn't cope with the speed it goes at. Nice to look at though.

View from the Solent - I'll soon be setting up in business selling friction-burn cream and palm combs. 1.2 million customers just waiting out there!

Anon - it's a Leftie thing so they phone you up and shout 'Down tools' at you.

Anonymous said...

"hands off cocks - on socks..."

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

£89? Flaming nora...

I bet a spanking session at Madam Floozies would be about the same but twice as enjoyable!

Amusing Bunni said...

This is hilarious, you are so funny LI!

All they'd have to do is put pics of that EU hag, and moochie obugger on the porn sites, and you guys would stop cold in your tracks!
There, free help, you can thank me later ;-)

PT Barnum said...

Now, now, someone is practising discrimination here and we can't have that can we? Is it you, L-I, or the purveyors of the therapy who are excluding the 51% of the population who will not be flushing mansize tissues as evidence of their frenzied frottage? Or are we still stuck in HarrietLand, where women are nice and sweet and never have feeltheee thoughts of their own, being merely victims of some nasty dirty man?

What is a 'tame' search, just so I know? Wouldn't want to tempt fate...

RAB said...

Dr Forester, who works alongside a team of trained sex counsellors,

Well you wouldn't want to stand in front of them would you? they watch porn all day for a living, they know too much!

But like dear old Mary Whitehouse and Lord Longford, they remain strangely untouched, unlike the rest of us poor blistered addicts.

Leg-iron said...

PTB - it's an anti-porn issue and that only ever targets men because in the Hideous Harman world of today, women are only porn, they don't indulge in watching. It's just the eeevil feeelthy men.

A safe search would probably be 'slightly naughty things' but it's not safe if it's an image search,

Leg-iron said...

RAB - it never ceases to amaze how those who seem obsessed with sex are also those who despise it.

TheFatBigot said...

I have long wondered whether poor simple Harriet has been pushing the "all men treat all women as sex objects" line out of a sense of frustration at being thick and ugly.

There is, sadly, an important point here. That anyone could consider porn addiction a problem is worrying of itself. That wankers could be persuaded they are addicts and must pay good money for a telephone session with a fat baggage unemployed social worker is scary. That this concept is added to the unquestioned list of progressive targets is utterly terrifying.

JuliaM said...

"Log on to Sluts-R-Us and someone will call you to tell you you've been very naughty and must be spanked. You know, I don't think that's going to work very well."

Just brilliant! :D

Single acts of tyranny said...

Chicken choking! Ha ha ha....

I always thought of it as strangling the carrot

Angry Exile said...

It's essential to get this problem under control in order to combat the dangers of passive wanking. It's a terrible worry that people just don't seem to be aware of this. There's second hand wanking such as finding the bathroom occupied when you need it, which can cause slight bladder strain and mild constipation, and of course there's accidentally using the same Kleenex as... Surely I don't have to draw that picture. And then there's zinc in the semen - that (sotto voce, can be) bad for you (sv, if you have masses of it) and of course could end up being transferred to surfaces non-wankers have to touch. So we at the Society for the Prevention or Limitation Of Onanistic Global Epidemics (SPLOOGE)* are determined to see this dangerous and anti-social addiction consigned to history for the good of everyone who's ever had a sore wrist. We'd like to start with a law requiring that every web page has clearly visible watermark of Don Shenker chucking one up Deborah Arnott. That should help a great deal.


* Yes, we know, we're thinking of changing it.

kitler said...

I think the reason most people spend so long looking at porn is that it takes forever to find porn that is any good. There may be tons of it but there are tons of TV channels too but how often do you find anything you want to watch?

If they want folks watching less porn maybe they should be campaignigng for better cock flicks that are easier to find. Like the one I just made 'Kirsty's Klusterfuck', which is being released later this year.

kitler said...

I think the reason most people spend so long looking at porn is that it takes forever to find porn that is any good. There may be tons of it but there are tons of TV channels too but how often do you find anything you want to watch?

If they want folks watching less porn maybe they should be campaignigng for better cock flicks that are easier to find. Like the one I just made 'Kirsty's Klusterfuck', which is being released later this year.

kitler said...

oops sorry didnt mean to post twice :(

Anonymous said...

I agre with Kitler, by the time you find a decent set of pics after all the fucking pop-ups, roundabout links and viruses have been put on your ailing hard drive, your too tired and pissed to raise a smile.

Why can't the Government do something about it?

Like a British Standard porn site.

Fucking piss-poor...

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