Along with no safe level of smoke, there is now no safe level of alcohol. Even sniffing a bottle of Chataeu Plonko or Le Patio D'oor will give you a rampaging cancer throughout your body. It'll be so extensive that doctors will diagnose the cancer as having caught you.
Yawn. This is where antismoking started. Antidrinking will follow exactly the same pattern and reach exactly the same heights of absurdity and exactly the same morons will lap up every word. Most of them will be in Parliament, drinking subsidised booze while the rest of us live Puritan lives and beat our heads with stout wooden boards. Until we start to enjoy it, then headboarding will be declared a cancer risk.
No real point pursuing the issue, even CAMRA will support it because they'll still believe it won't affect them. An eventual total ban on booze will have no more effect on pubs than the smoking ban. Pubs will be closing because of the evil supermarkets and their two-for-one offers on multipack crisps and pork scratchings. They will be accused of selling salted pig fat for less than the price of bottled water, and the drones, who shop at those supermarkets so could check for themselves if it occurred to them, will believe it.
As with smoking, eventually the cancer part will be glossed over in favour of booze causing meningitis, middle ear infections, women giving birth to things that look like Cthulu and a disturbing lack of wholesome and Righteous thirst. Already the drones have latched on to 'foetal alcohol syndrome' and decided that any mother who glances at a sherry bottle during pregnancy will definitely produce a miniature Father Jack Hackett. "Milk? Feck off. Drink!"
I didn't learn about alcohol in the womb. I had to wait until I was older. All those wasted years...
Oh, and let's not forget those who don't like the smell. They'll be rubbing their hands with glee and getting ready to start on this one. Might spur them on myself - well, it's going to happen anyway, let's just get straight to the utter nonsense and save all that build-up time in the middle.
No matter. I'm ready to start brewing. I wonder if I can recreate that brew I made at university, the one that turned people religious? One mouthful and they'd exclaim 'Christ Almighty!' and fall to their knees.
It's not going to stop. Not until the lunacy reaches the level when it all falls apart completely. The sooner that happens the better. There are going to be a lot of Righteous heavily pummeled in every enclosed public space when it does.
I wonder what the safe level of exhaust fumes is? Probably about four tons per lung, because petrol is good for you. There is definitely no safe level of exposure to idiots who think they are doctors.
How mad can it get? As Mr. George was fond of saying, plenty much mad.
Having friends is bad for you. That's okay. I'm a smoker so getting rid of people is not usually a problem. Besides, with the pubs closing up faster than Jim Devine's sphincter in the showers, there is no danger of finding new friends. There is also the very real danger of secondary friends and some of them might smell.
Look on the bright side. With no tobacco, no booze, no salt, no fat and no friends, you can't possibly be at any risk at all of a heart attack, right?
Wrong! The sellers of toothpaste want in on this game too. Buy our stuff or die. Well, I suppose the dentists have been feeling a bit left out of it all lately. So they have attributed diseases to those who don't pay them to have holes drilled in their teeth and filled with mercury. They have chosen...
Heart disease, bronchitis, floppy knob, dementia, diabetes, reduced fertility and arthritis.
Let's be honest here. They have picked from the Standard List, just like everyone else. While I agree that not cleaning your teeth is pretty gross, if you have no friends and washing your hair has made you obese, does it matter that much any more? If you can't eat, drink or smoke anything, how will your teeth even get dirty?
Who will be next? Opticians haven't said much yet. Paediatricians are keeping a low profile because the drones aren't too bright and have mistaken them for Gary Glitter in the past. Midwives have had a go. I think it must be the opticians' turn about now.
So, not allowing them to shine lights in your eyes and then getting you to read a Chzechoslovakian menu at fifty paces will definitely give you cancer of something or other. Probably dandruff too, and loose ears as well as the onset of the nadgers, spots before the ankles, soft shoulder, pink toenail and greasy elbow. Oh, and heart disease. That's standard.
There was once a scare about dirty keyboards. All kinds of things live in the gaps between the keys. Bacteria, fungi, stoats, you name it, it's in there. That's bound to cause heart disease as well as cellulite, pigeon chest, scurvy and exploding spleen. No, wait, that's the 'B' list.
I think I'll set up in business selling keyboard protection covers. Would anyone be interested?
It's all lurking in there, you know. Ash, dust, drinks, mythical creatures and Johnathan Ross. The cover is not to protect the keyboard from you. It's to protect you from its demonic inhabitants.
Oh, almost forgot. It's for the cheeldren. Studies have shown. Experts have said. And there is no safe level of Johnathan Ross.
That should clinch it. Where do I apply to become a fake charity?