Smokers have no property rights.

Bucko found a snippet in a local paper that will have the antismokers wetting themselves with glee. I don't mind them wetting themselves as long as they don't do it near me. They can keep their filthy second-hand pee to themselves.

I would never buy a home from a self-dampening antismoker unless they gave me a serious discount to cover the cost of mops, carpets and disinfectant. Plus the cost of an exorcist to remove the Smugness Demons from the very fabric of the building. Also, since smoking is now the only reason to redecorate a home, it is safe to assume that those filthy antismokers who never like to wash themselves nor their clothes also never do anything to spruce up the paintwork.

It's only fair - after all, they would demand the same from me. Of course, they wouldn't get it. If I were to sell my house and found out that a prospective purchaser was a rabid antismoker, I'd put the price up to cover the inconvenience of having to deal with them. My ambition is to one day make enough money to move out and sell this house to a radical Islamist group for one shiny British pound. I wouldn't move too far away. I'd want to watch...

Smoking is portrayed, by those who don't do it, as a waste of money. Well of course it is - if you don't like doing it. Paying for something you don't like doing is obviously a waste.

If you like to drive, add up all the costs of petrol, tax, insurance, servicing, fixing things that break, replacements for bits that wear out, and as far as I am concerned every penny of that is a waste of money. I don't like driving. So, do I demand you all give up driving because I consider it a waste of money and because you'll crash and cost the NHS money and because I don't like all those fumes?

Of course not. It's your money, spend it how you like. You can spend yours on things I consider a waste and I will spend mine on things you consider a waste. How does that sound?

Not good enough for the antismokers. They want to keep their cars but they don't want me messing up their diesel fumes with a bit of burning leaf. Further, they want smokers banned from everywhere outdoors in case we disrupt the heady scent of traffic fumes, which are of course good for you.

It's true, antismoker. Traffic fumes render you immune to tobacco smoke. Breathe deeply of them and live forever. In fact, if you divert your car exhaust into the main body of your vehicle, no tobacco smoke can ever enter your lungs again. If you tell smokers you've done this, none of them will attempt to enter your vehicle. Traffic fumes react with tobacco smoke to produce severe discomfort in smokers, which is the real reason we don't like being outside.

Traffic fumes have absolutely no effect on the fine, healthy lungs of the antismoker. They don't cause any damage at all unless the lung has a layer of nicotine all over its surface. But you antismokers already knew that, didn't you?

If you pipe exhaust gases from your garage into your living room, it has the effect of keeping smokers out of your house forever. Guaranteed.

Don't believe me? Try it for yourself. Studies have shown, you know, and experts have said.

Let me know how you get on.