Wednesday, 28 September 2011

A miscellany

Some interesting things today.

Trying to explain to a drone that the 'five-a-day' fruit and veg number was just made up, appears to be a pointless exercise but one that results in some compensatory fun. It was made up by experts so it must be right. Fine, I let her believe that. My days of persuading these idiots of their idiocy are passed.

She now also believes that boiling vegetables for one second longer than 20 minutes turns them carcinogenic and that fruit is more efficacious after it's turned brown. Her husband will punch my lights out if he ever finds out where she got these ideas. Especially after she's thrown out the third pot of veg for Sunday lunch because they boiled for 20.001 minutes and that bit about roast potatoes combining with beef to burn holes in the gut... oh, I'll have to keep out of his way for a long time. Fortunately she'll just say 'experts have said' and 'studies have shown' because that's all the drones understand.

I argued that it was not necessary to eat five portions each and every day, that you could have a load one day and then none for the following days and you'd be fine. Her response - "It doesn't work like that".

Yes. Yes it does. You don't need to eat anything at all for a day or so if you've loaded up the day before. We don't eat every day because we have to. We do it because we like it, and because we can.

Next - Sanatogen. Tesco have this on offer at the moment but I didn't buy any. Does anyone know what it is and what it's like? At £4 a bottle it looks cheap but is it, as I suspect, a sort of geriatric version of Buckfast? What's it for, and do you have to wear a head-bandage while drinking it? Also, can you wave the bottle at passers-by and say 'Graaaah!'?

Finally, a book I wish I'd written. It looks like a history of the Righteous and while I have yet to get my copy, I suspect it's going to say pretty much what I would have said in such a history. Looks like a winner to me. I have two in the review queue at the moment but I'm going to have to take a look at this one too.

Now I think it's time to have a stiff drink and open the Daily Terrible Thing website. I wonder what's banned today?

It'll be a shame if it's Sanatogen. Missed my chance.


Twenty_Rothmans said...

You don't need to eat anything at all for a day or so if you've loaded up the day before.
Gee, I didn't eat anything for three days running, yet I live! A miracle! A miracle!

My beloved, with Hons in Pharmacology, is convinced that Australians are the most 'obese' people in the world. When questioned, she explained that she had 'heard this on the radio'.

When I responded by saying it was undoubtedly rubbish spewed out by a Government funded wanktank, she asked 'Why would the Government want to do that?'.

This is the underlying mantra of the unquestioning. If she heard on the radio that over-boiled vegetables gave you carcinoma of the oesophagus, she'd buy it. Stomach ulcers? Coffee or acidic drinks. Feeling run down? Ask your barber for a bloodletting.

It was ever thus.

However, now priapic with our money, the fake charities can flood every medium with their message du jour and reach out to their slaves - the gullible bovines who'll agree that giving a calorie count with a double whopper is a good idea.

Mrs 20 thinks so, even though she's never had one and never will. Been to a pub twice since the ban, she did not like them before because of the smoke.

The smirk will be on the other side of her pretty little face when I am finally obliged by law to report her for drinking more than four units per day, and I provide logs of her consumption to the NHS for scrutiny and 'interventions'.

She will be unable to inform on me, as I'm far too discreet to be caught and sent for interventioning.

Anonymous said...

My mother used to give me Sanatogen to build me up. Nowadays she'd be hauled before the Righteous Court. It's a tonic wine - and it tastes terrible!


David Davis said...

I saw some bottle of curry sauce last night on the "reduced to clear" shelves of all those unwanted products that Tesco's customers forgot to buy. It looked disgusting for the two water/lipid layers had separated into oxidized dog-pee (very dark brown) and cholera-infested-fresh-cow-poo-slurry (a dark straw colour). It would need a good shake every 5 minutes if you were to use it. It said it contained "no artificial substances or chemicals" - which as you say elsewhere would surprise many chemists.

The brand was....wait for it....RIGHTEOUS

Anonymous said...

Apparently, Sanatogen is just a collection of vitamins and minerals.

You might want to get its datasheet, though. Too many of these things contain Aspartame, which can hide itself under the label "natural flavourings".

O/T: The Wail reports that cigarette vending machines will be outlawed in pubs, clubs and restaurants, to "stop underage smoking".

This strongly suggests that they've been playing a long game. First, they encouraged pubs to allow children inside, then they had an excuse to regulate "for the sake of the cheeeldren".

It would be interesting to track legislation over the past 30 years to glean a timeline of milestones - and then to map that against a timeline of consequential events in the pub industry.

David Davis said...

They give 13-year-olds the Pill for underage sex without telling their parents. So why not give them fags in bars for underage smoking, when the little blighters are out on the piss without mummy's and daddy's knowledge?

That's some long game, but now you highlight it it's obvious.

Anonymous said...

"Cigarette vending machines are to be banished from pubs from this weekend as a new rule comes into force to stop underage smoking"

Oh really?

Article 13

12. Retail sale and display.

Display of tobacco products at point of sale in itself constitutes advertising and promotion.

14. Vending machines should be banned because they constute by their very presence a means of advertising or promotion under the terms of the Convention.

A very long game, indeed.


RAB said...

Five fruits a day actually make you go pear shaped.

Yes, a study has proved ( I know the fear and loathing that phrase elicits amongst all here, but it has been hushed up since, so no harm done to the righteous cause) That if you follow the infantile regime, the sugars, fruitrose etc (whatever the hell they are) do not just linger on the lips, they stay for eternity on the hips. So you end up looking like a very healthy Mr Blobby. Just sayin ;-)

Anonymous said...

Been looking for a while for the article that said 5-a-day was bunkum. Sadly my google-fu is terrible, are you able to locate it L-I?

Anonymous said...

How the five-a-day mantra was born

"It all began with a catchy number and a marketing campaign — not hard science.
It is one of the most successful indoctrinations in modern Britain, filtering into every aspect of public life".

RAB said...

Thank you Anon above, and here's the one I remember...

As to Sanatogen, it was advertised with the slogan...

Fortifies the over forties (snappy eh?)

...When I was a lad. I didn't know the foul evil tasting crap still existed. If i need fortifying, a single malt will do nicely thanks ;-)

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

I sometimes feel like a drone myself, the indoctrination from the righteous is so invasive these days. I don't know my right from my left!

Then I get the feeling that it's what they wanted all along...

Woman on a Raft said...

In general it is best to get your wine from a wine merchant, not a chemist.

The essence of Sanatogen is marketing. It was wine for women in an age when it was regarded as unladylike to touch alcohol at all. The alcohol was acting as a preservative and carrier for a minute trace of sodium glycerophosphate, which was supposed to be good for the brain.

Even at £4 there must be something more drinkable - although I should rule out cherry limbrini and cherry beer, both of which are little better than a cheeky Night Nurse and are on the same emetic list as ipecac. Guess how I know.

Stay off the antibacterial handgels too. A squeeze of one on an after dinner mint does not count as a liquor chocolate.

david "the jackdaw" cameron said...

aha. i thought you lot would never give an in. cue me and some proper political analysis, but...


i don't know my right from my left!

yeah man, truly wuly...and, you may be surprised to learn, a common problem amongst westminster politicians...including none other than our own dear ed miliband who, by campaigning at conference for lower taxation and the penalization of the undeserving-underclass, has stolen the conservative's fur-coat but completely forgotten to wear those see-thru socialist safety-net knickers - the one alluring accessory sure to get the lefties going bananas for him and ensure his kinky little party gets elected. wow, it really beggars belief...the silly old tart's gone and discarded the fundamental labour principle of buying-off the poor regardless of whether or not they deserve to be so. blimey, it's a fucking labour-banker. you see, getting votes is like making have to make your pile or you's got fuck all to do with morality...that's a separate issue with which the individual must contend and then level with his own conscience as time and experience dictates...

but at the moment, miliband peddles socialist shit...he took the job for christ's-sakes...he can't just turn 'round now and say he wants to sell conservative clobber...

come-on ed, there's loads of people out there want to buy cheap socialist-shit...they're all queing-up for it like crazy's not reliable, it won't work long (if at at all), but that's not the point...they want it, you're meant to be selling it to them...they know it's all faulty seconds and damaged goods...but you're just the're not doing anything're simply satisfying a need in the community mate...with your nasty niche-politik.

oh yes, he seems to have got business all arse-about-face too...ethical business? no such thing. you buy things and you sell them, hopefully for a's forcing anyone to buy (that would be very naughty)'s forcing anyone to lie about what they're selling (that would also be very naughty)...there's absolutely no ethics involved in actually making a profit...only in the manner in which you chose to conduct yourself...but that kind of misconduct's not a commercial's a criminal matter...and already covered by our he'd better stop interfering...or risk looking a right wally - no pun intended.

come-to-think-of-it, ed's misconception concerning moral-trade is rather on the obsessive and fanatical belies a guilty conscience, i suspect...he's obviously a bit dodgy...a rogue-dealer perhaps...

...and this is probably why he has a blind-spot with regard to me and my chums mugging libya...he's got serious reservations about the expense of the project...but, ultimately (if it brings in some dosh), appears to be real cool with it on principle...just like he is with annexing afghanistan and turning it into an oil-pipeline. it's the bottom line that counts, init ed?

yep, business is business...just ask my chancellor george o, a city man, whose word is his bond...the issues are all black and white to him, he tells me...and by gum, he practises what he preaches...and i can vouch for that...because you know, throughout his formative years, he never once deviated from the party-line...indeed he was a fellow of great discrimination and enterprise...and verily his record speaks for itself...for as his friends can attest...he was always quite partial to scoring white-stuff off-the-back of the great conservative tradition.

Bill Sticker said...


You are a very wicked person, telling that poor gullible woman all those lies about vegetables and cooking. Thoroughly hilarious. Keep up the evil work.



red edit robberband (policy off-the-back-of-a-lorry) said...


well, quite so the united kingdom, there's a limit to how much the rich can con from the poor in order that the poor may steal it back again. we clearly need to have a united foreign policy that allows us, as a nation, irrespective of party politics, to plunder countries inhabited by people bearing non-eu passports, so that we can top-up the pot, and, in accordance with the long tradition of british conservatism and socialism, continue nicking from each other in ever decreasing circles of ethical, economical and ideological sustainability. kushti.

Leg-iron said...

So... sanatogen is crap then? I did wonder why it was so cheap. I'll leave it on the shelf.

Bill S - Lies? I'll have you know I am an Expert in things intestinal. And when an Expert makes stuff up it becomes true just like that. As Holmes might have said - alimentary, my dear Watson.

fanny devitriol said...


yeah..."arse-about-face" just about sums up ed rubberband's raunchy routine - and i reckon there's gonna be a few conservative central office asset-strippers getting real excited about getting stuck-in on the job too, if he reveals many more tasty tory policies. de-dah-di-dah de-dah-di-da

Woman on a Raft said...

As to Sanatogen, it was advertised with the slogan...

Fortifies the over forties (snappy eh?)

A pedant writes: No.

Phyllosan Fortifies the over-forties.

Apparently the brand is still going and owned by Seton Scholl Healthcare and is much the same iron, b-complex and c formulation it always was.

There is a lively market in advertising memorabilia for it, when it was implied that it was the elixir of youth and a panacea.

This is one where a chap thoughtfully supplies Phyllosan tablets to his missus to enable her to work through the night to get his ironing done, presumably so that he can go off and nob his fancy woman, the reason they can't afford a maid, the next day.

Chalcedon said...

Whoo, hoo, it's 15% ABV. 3% stronger than more expensive reds and whites. Sanatogen eh? Who'd have thought it?

I wonder what it tastes like as a mixer with Gin or Vodka? i must just go and find out!

mephisto market management said...


nothing wrong with asset-stripping - it's the natural way...

if a business is selling a substandard product at extortionate prices, it will go bust, and must then be broken-up, and either hived-off or sold for scrap in order to repay any creditors - the alternative is to keep a failing company afloat and rack up more debt until it reaches a level which cannot be repaid from the value of the company's assets. which of these courses of action is the immoral one? the second, obviously.

...and this is why the dunder-pile of crud which forms the socialist state has been denounced and is now being rescheduled for a trip to the recycling-dump.

it's jus buyin' 'n sellin' - what's the evil in that?

TheFatBigot said...

Many years ago I had the need to buy a bottle or port and the only local shop still open was licensed for the sale of alcohol for consumption off the premises.

In all innocence I asked "Do you have any port?" Mr Patel, yes his name was Mr Patel, responded "Is that a sort of tonic wine?"

He had no idea how percipient he was.

RAB said...

Bugger! you're right WOAR, Mea Culpa, my little grey cells are well addled by now :-)

Leg-iron said...

Port is most definitely a tonic. Cigars and stilton cheese are essential accompaniments, naturally.

It works for me even without the stilton.

Woman on a Raft said...

Never mind, Rab. Just go and have some Phyllosan tablets washed down with a gargle of Sanatogen. Don't forget to buy some for the Little Woman and watch her face light up as the tonic wine sparkles in the candlelight.

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