Saturday, 24 April 2010

Vorsprung Durch Dalek.

This is not so much an election as a reality TV show. All the literature coming through the door is the same - "Vote for me because if you don't, he'll get in, and that would be bad (for me)". It's like a nationwide version of bloody Big Brother. All of them spend all their time telling us how awful the other two are and all they can say is "Keep Me! Vote the other guy out!"

I would not be at all surprised if the returning officer at each count custard-pied the losing candidates. Actually, that might make it worth watching. Do they still have those gunge machines from the old Saturday morning kids' shows? Each candidate could sit in one, and only one comes out unscathed - then that one gets the custard pie. In the interests of equality. And a boot in the yarbles, if the eunuch jellies have any. Just so they remember to keep their minds on the job.

That's the level they are pitching at. They are talking to a population mesmerised by Get Those Dancing Celebrities Out of Here and Ice Them (Mafia productions inc.) and Britian's Got Idiots Willing to Make Fools of Themselves in Public and East End Shouty People and the Ken Barlow Show and other mindless tosh and they know it. Nobody wants to hear about the deficit. Nobody believes any of them will do anything about the Stasi councils and their petty Hitlers. It's all about popularity and personality. Nobody is litening, politicos. It's your fault.

All the public wants on TV is entertainment. They don't care what the politicians say because they all say the same thing. Booze is bad. Smoking is bad. Salt is bad. Microwaved burgers are bad (actually, I've tried them and they are pretty bad, but you can't expect much for 99p and there's only a microwave at the lab). It is not illegal to take photos in the street but we're going to carry on arresting you for it anyway. You must buy more stuff but you must stop throwing away the four tons of packaging that comes with every five ounces of stuff. Banks must give you loans you can't afford so you can buy stuff you don't need. You must spend money you don't have in order to stimulate business and boost the economy. The economy will be in great shape. You can comfort yourself in the knowledge that you played a part in it while you wrap yourself in all that packaging in a shop doorway at night.

This is all we get. They are going to fix 'the economy' but out here in the real world, nobody really knows what that is. Out here, people are wondering when those gabbling idiots are really going to do something about drunken stabby yobbos rather than putting up the price of booze and 'banning knives' and then arresting disabled grandads with Swiss army knives and confiscating wine from picknickers.

If the police catch a real drunken stabby yobbo and actually persuade the Crime Preservation Society to prosecute, some dusty old bag of bones called Judge Alzheimer sentences them to going home and watching DVDs at taxpayer's expense, fines them an amount so pitiful their kids won't notice if it's deducted from their pocket money and then says "You're very naughty. This is your five hundredth offence. One more and I will be forced to tap you lightly on the wrist. Now have a lollipop and run along, you little scamp. Oh, and on your way out, tell Nursie to bring the mop."

I wonder how many times the average police officer bangs his head on his desk? No wonder they chase after litterbugs and old ladies with scissors in their sewing bags. Those are the only ones the courts will convict.

The politicians stopped listening to the public a long time ago. Is it any wonder that the public have now stopped listening to the politicians?

The BNP are criticised by the main parties for... well, for fun, I think, because they really aren't all that different apart from the racism aspect. Coming into the election, Labour have MPs in court for fraud and have been caught telling blatant lies on their literature, Clegg has been slated for accepting donations into his personal bank account, Cameron is faffing about, havering on the EU and spitting on smokers, drinkers and fat people when he should be walking this election and what are the BNP in trouble for? Well, they have somewhat miffed the company that makes Marmite. It sort of pales in comparison, doesn't it?

The BNP, all three main parties insist, are Hitler's Nazis reborn. Yet all three parties look worse. How did they manage that? It must have taken considerable dedication to prattishness. Hell, all three parties can expect to lose to the Daleks they way they are going. In fact, I'm willing to bet a Dalek could win a constituency somewhere. Anyone got one? Dalek Thain, step forward and claim your majority.

The funniest part would be that they'd have to make sure there was Dalek access to all areas of Westminster. Even funnier would be a Libertarian Dalek. Surreal or what?

Not those new Daleks either. Proper ones. It was never about how tall they were or whether they looked all 'Vorsprung durch Dalek'. It was about what they did. The proper ones, the little nasty ones. The William Hartnell ones. Nobody is scared of a Hummer with one eye in Fisher-Price paintwork.

At least Daleks would be logical. They would recognise that the government should not be helping people to find work nor creating pretend jobs. The government should be letting businesses make enough money to employ staff. Yes, it's evil capitalism but no money, you see, means no new jobs. One day I might expand my business enough to employ someone and I'll tell you right now that that day will probably see the first 'Smokers only' job advert. Antismokers can do it, and so will I. As it stands, the non-salary costs make it impossible. I don't see that changing in my lifetime.

Another thing about Daleks is that they never mess about with reality. The Cameroid claims he wants to 'rescue the flag of Saint George from the BNP'. They didn't steal it. Nick the Griff has never said "This is my flag now" and the BNP's literature usually shows the Union Flag. Not the St. George's Cross. So it's not the BNP who took that flag away from the English.

The Righteous did it. Anyone with that flag was deemed a BNP supporter and a 'racist-Nazi-bigot' and that's why the flag was so despised. It was nothing to do with the BNP and everything to do with the Righteous. So, Cameroid, I have to assume you have no idea who your enemy is.

Clue: Smokers, drinkers, those with large belt sizes, and the Righteous. You made three of those four enemies yourself. The other one is everyone's enemy and always has been. Another clue: it's the only one you are not fighting.

I smoke. I drink. I like salt. I eat what I want. I do not want a government who will order me around. I want a government concerned with police-fire-ambulance-defence stuff and there is not one on offer.

Cameroid, you are the least evil of three Satans but I cannot vote for you because you have stated, publically, that you despise me and regard me as less than a worm.

Can he fix it? No, he can't.

He's not going to try.

So who is UKIP candidate in my area? Do you want a canvasser?


JuliaM said...

"Another thing about Daleks is that they never mess about with reality. The Cameroid claims he wants to 'rescue the flag of Saint George from the BNP'. They didn't steal it. Nick the Griff has never said "This is my flag now" and the BNP's literature usually shows the Union Flag. Not the St. George's Cross. "


I though Cameron did well in the debate on Thursday - not as well as I'd have liked, but still.. - and now this.

It's as if he never stopped to think. Is that what we want in a premier?

Billy The Fish said...

LH, they are actually called 'NARLECs' now.
'New Arty Respray - Lovely Every Christmas'.
I would suggest that the toy revenue this year alone will pay for another three series of Britain's Got Dancing...

PT Barnum said...

Last night, on Radio 5, a BNP candidate-cum-finance-spokesman said the election is on May 5. Is this (a) a clear sign of BNP atavistic stupidity or (b) an accidental revelation of the truth?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Leg-iron

"So who is UKIP candidate in my area? Do you want a canvasser? "

If there isn't a candidate, be one.

If there is a parish or town council, you will almost certainly get in.

Next up is district or borough, then county, then parliamentary.


Tcheuchter said...

Here you are Leg Iron, take your pick:-

Anonymous said...

Bloody hell L-I, now there's a project for the next election. The Dalek Party. What do you and your commenters reckon the policies would be and would they be any worse than Labour's?

w/v: logedis

microdave said...

"Do they still have those gunge machines from the old Saturday morning kids' shows?" Get Sally James back - that would make it worth watching....

Gareth said...

"They are going to fix 'the economy' but out here in the real world, nobody really knows what that is."

The Government always 'fixes' the economy. In the favour of their corporation and finance chums.

Inequality under Labour has grown. This is due to Brown's petty fiddling with the tax system incentivising richer earners to find the innovative holes Gord keeps creating to put their earnings through. Minimising your tax bill is an Italian way of life I keep hearing. It should be here too but with so many people employed it becomes difficult. The state hates self employed people for this reason.

The last thing the economy needs is 'fixing'. Government is the cause of all these problems, directing money in wasteful directions and badly regulating everything it touches. Much of it is to try and maintain our position in the GDP league tables. Actual productivity, wellbeing, jobs and whatnot don't really come into it.

This command economy style of Government has to come to an end.

MU said...

"Even funnier would be a Libertarian Dalek. Surreal or what?"

You missed the boat on this one, Leggy. I changed my blog title to fit with my profile pic as to avoid treading on Pav'sCat's Toes.

Had the pic up since blog creation =D

Besides, the Daleks would make a truthful government. According to the last episode I saw with the NARLECS, they are incapable of deception.

Bye bye endless half-truths and post-normal science lies, hello, cold hard reason.

It follows any Dalek government would be a libertarian one, seeing as societies are most efficient at expanding goods, services and the standard of living when unconstrained by the state.

I for one welcome our new dalek overlords.

Dioclese said...

Thanks for another well constructed piece.

On a personal note, I was a county level pistol shot when some mad bastard with several guns walked into a school in Dunblame and started shooting children. What did they do about it?

Did they pillory the police authorities who allowed this nutter to legally hold guns totally unsuited to target shooting (e.g. a Walther PPK with a .75" barrell which couldn't hit a barn a thiry feet never mind a paper target)?

No - they stopped people like me shooting for a hobby. Would they have banned cicket if he had used a cricket bat? Probably...

Monty Cristo said...

Libertarian Daleks ? Why not ? We've had Pakistani Daleks before and very good they were too.

Leg-iron said...

Pavlov's Dalek - I hope you're resisting the new paint job!

Stand for election... I don't know if I have the patience required to deal with such people without walloping one. Council, maybe. I'll watch for the next council elections and canvas on the Smoky-Drinky ticket.

I'll have no competition at all.

Mark Wadsworth said...

Leg, as far as I know UKIP have hardly any candidates in Scotland :(

Had you posted this a week ago I would have told you stand yourself (whether as UKIP or as independent is of no concern to me) but you've missed the deadline now - it closed last Tuesday afternoon.

Mac the Knife said...

"Not those new Daleks either. Proper ones"

Dead right. What a wankfest. The new ones look like a cross between a badly designed money-box and the paramilitary wing of the Tellytubbies. BBC tossers.

Leg-iron said...

Tcheuchter - thanks. There isn't one in my constituency but this guy is the nearest -

Kincardine, though? That's a long way off. Between West Aberdeenshire and Kincardine is a lot of mountains with about six people living in them.

Damn, that'd be hard canvassing. Lucky I have a banjo.

Sir Henry Morgan said...


It might be a good idea to remove Mark Wadsworth's posts from your sidebar as his latest post is a lie. You wouldn't want to be seen as endorsing a liar, would you?

Seems he also censors comments that contradict what he says - I've tried commenting to the effect that he is wrong about "Pat Condell says ..." because Condell doesn't say "Vote UKIP" - all he says is that HE is voting UKIP.

All Condell recommends for the rest of us is that we vote for anyone other than the big three.

Go to the post and watch the video.

Sir Henry Morgan said...

Mark Wadsworth's correction is in.

Disregard what I said above because he's usually worth reading (and I usually do).

opinions powered by