Friday, 9 April 2010

Smoky Terrorist.

Tonight's ranting is brought to you by the Glenmorangie. It's very nice.

If I was on a plane and if I was dim enough to pay to sit in First Class with people I could not bear to share a urinal with, I could have all the booze I wanted. Probably 'for free' although considering the price differential between first and cattle class, and considering that first class does not arrive before the rest of the plane, it would take far more than even Oliver Reed could drink to make it worthwhile. I could fly cattle class and spend a month in a coma for the same price.

What I could not do, no matter how much I paid, and no matter if I was as important as a Big Brother gobby blimp, is smoke.

It is not dangerous to smoke on a plane. Look at your armrests on almost any plane. They have ashtrays in them. Look at that 'no smoking' light. There was a time when it was turned off. Don't believe it? Then why is it a light and not a sticker? Not long ago we could smoke on planes. Before they decided to save costs by reducing ventilation and letting asthmatics suffer. Oh, getting us out really improved your lot. Not.

A Qatari diplomat sneaked a quick puff in the plane toilet (I mean a fag, no wait, a cigarette, oh hell, I'm just digging deeper here).

When he opened the door after spending 'too much time' in there (I have magazines that extend beyond one cigarette and it's not that kind of magazine. Mind bleach time) some passengers could 'smell smoke'.

Not 'tobacco smoke'. Not 'second hand smoke'. Smoke. If you are not a smoker, one burning plant product smells the same as another. You are scared of one particular plant because you are dim enough to believe it but in the absence of evidence, you just smell 'smoke'. Unless you are told what to be scared of, you'd never know.

So the Qatari diplomat was challenged. Being a smoker, and knowing how he could expect to he treated, he thought 'Ah bugger it' and made up something about burning shoes.

Well, jets were scrambled, big men sat next to him and said 'Gonnae no dae that?' and he was arrested.

Big fat hairy scrotal deal. A bloke was having a fly smoke in the bog.

But it's too good an opportunity to miss. It must be hyped, but clumsily and pointlessly. Yesterday's news said 'Smoky bloky annoys scared people'.

Today's news is 'New shoe bomber fails'.

If you're going to hype it up guys, you need to get in first.

The next day, it just looks silly.


Anonymous said...

if first class is at the front of the plane , then you arrive sooner, bye

Uncle Marvo said...

Wot anon said. Also you leave earlier, so the flight is shorter. You should therefore pay less. technically, you arrive on the ground later (unless your pilot is inexperienced), but obviously you reach the terminal sooner, and more drunk.

I had a plane once, a small one, not a big jet. A Piper PA24, Commanche. My passenger asked if it was all right for him to smoke, I said "OK" because I smoke as well, and there is no fuel under the seats or anything.

The mistake he made was to chuck the dog end out of the window at 160 mph. Very impressive pyrotechnic display as the whole lot came straight back in.

I would not recommend trying to duplicate this experiment in a pressurised airliner at 700 mph at 40,000 feet, just saying.

The Merry Man said...

Hahahaha the man was a fool,but then he is a diplomat so no surprise there.

Fancy saying he tried to set fire to his shoes,in this age of hyper-paranoia,I`m surprised he wasnt shot dead where he stood to loud applause from the outraged non-smoking passengers.

Thanks for the link..

Monty Cristo said...

Before we all slit our wrists here's an old clip of Mike Harding on stage. By the 4th minute he'd have been right up the noses of ASH, Stonewall and Alcohol Concern; them were the days.

Well, I found it funny; I'll get my coat...

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