The Dance of the Headless Chickens.

I've never seen anything like it.

These are the people we entrust with running the whole country. The ones we allow to represent us to other countries, the ones whose laws we are compelled to obey and the ones who take a large chunk of our earnings to pay for things whether we want them or not. They are running around like recently decapitated poultry.

Here's a fun idea. Whichever party wins, only those who voted for them will pay any tax at all. Voting would have to be compulsory or nobody would do it but since the risk of actually paying for your decision exists, everyone will vote for whoever promises to steal the least. Oh, and they can't increase taxes for the duration of their government.

It would stabilise eventually. To start with they'd all promise ridiculously low tax rates but they'd find they couldn't run the country on that and then they'd collapse. There'd be another election in which all parties would look at what they really need to run an administration and come up with a figure that would be realistic.

No party can reveal their tax rates until a set date and then they can't change them. Collusion would be punishable by life in prison (because it would involve deceiving the entire country, that is the only fair penalty). So they would have to work out the minimum they need and pitch for our contracts to govern. No party will have easy-money to fiddle around with ridiculous schemes. They will all have to concentrate on simply running the country.

Never happen. It probably wouldn't even work. Nice dream, though. Pity we aren't living in a dream.

There's more of the Nightmare on Downing Street about the aftermath of this election. The Gorgon has nailed himself into No. 10 and donned his bladed glove in case the Cameroid tries to get in (I should look out my copy of Freddie vs Jason for tomorrow evening) and both are despised by their own parties, yet both are trying to make friends with another party they have both despised for decades because only the Clegg (it's already an insult in Scotland) who has the least MPs of the three, can decide who runs the country...

Excuse me while I pour another drink. This can't possibly end up with any sensible outcome. It's starting to look as if Clegg should be PM because he's going to to be the only original leader of the three main parties by the end of the week.

The Gorgon has had a tantrum, is to be deposed by either Ed Nuts or Bananas Moribund or perhaps even by Hideous Harman, although the current majority on Ed Nuts' seat means he isn't exactly in a safe place and could easily be dry-roasted in another election. So a dodgy choice for leader, although he would provide a final, firework-laden exit for Labour if they chose him. The Gorgon has, it seems, done a Charles I and fled north to the Scots to escape the wrath of the Puritan Lord Protector, Cameroid. They'll throw him back, like last time. His party is in debt to a degree that would even worry Labour and if there's an election within a year, I'd be better funded than them even if I'm working with zero. The party is fighting within itself harder than it is fighting anyone else.

The Tories are not happy with the Cameroid's 'Crown Prince' approach to government which looks to be exactly the same as the Gorgon's. I will make the decisions, you just shut up and vote as directed. Rank and file Tories think he is useless, his major donor is furious with him and if he doesn't get a deal with the Clegg they will rip his intestines out and decorate a tree with them. The Cleggites (must find a better name since they look like being around a while) want him to ditch George Osborne and most of his MPs want him to ditch all his little gang and actually talk to them for a change. Tory MPs - try to imagine how the voters feel. You think the leadership won't listen to you? It's a hundred times worse for the rest of us.

The Tories think their vote was split by UKIP. Why did so many vote UKIP? Same reason I would have, if there had been one here. You threw away a lot of seats by joining in with those who regard a large section of the population as subhuman, Cameroid. You could have walked it with our help. You told us to get outside and you made it clear you hate us. Who? Oh, come on, are we bloody invisible already? It's a big part of my campaign and while I wouldn't ever win, I'm certainly going to hurt and there is not a thing any of those big parties can do to stop it.

The Tories are too busy fighting amongst themselves to put up any effective fight outside.

These politicos put enormous effort into gaining the 'gay vote' without once considering that gay people are people first, gay second. They are not political pawns. They are not all Stonewall. They are not one homogeneous gang of Larry Grayson lookalikes (I loved his show as a child long before I had any idea what 'gay' meant. Julian Clary - nah. Funny at first but there's only so many innuendo jokes you can stomach. He even missed the obvious - in context, 'innuendo' is an innuendo). They miss the point that their 'gay people' slot is not a discrete slot, it overlaps the 'smoker', 'drinker', 'christian', 'muslim', oh the hell with it - it overlaps everything.

As do the slots labelled 'smoker', 'drinker', 'chubby', 'teenager', 'pensioner', you name it. The only people in this or any country that fit into one, discrete slot are the Righteous, and as long as politics panders to them they will believe that people can be pigeonholed on one characteristic. So we have one-size-fits-all health policies and similar nonsense everywhere. We have a smoking ban which only BNP and UKIP have even addressed and those Tory votes split by UKIP/Labour votes split by BNP are assumed to be about the EU/immigration respectively.

Very few people out in the real world care about the EU at all. People worry about immigration in areas where Labour have dumped massive numbers but elsewhere, no. Here. there is some immigration but no immigration problems at all. Lots of Poles who are willing to drive buses through snow that would make a Safety Elf cry. They've kept the transport running this winter. UKIP didn't stand, the BNP took 1.4% of the vote on what basis? Immigration? There is no immigration problem here. So what did those people vote for?

The only issue here that was covered by the BNP and no other party is the smoking ban. Given the BNP's reputation (nothing personal guys but it is the public view we're talking here) plus the fact that they are seen as an English party here, getting 1.4% of the vote is not paltry. It is, in fact, astounding. An English party in the north of Scotland, campaigning on getting rid of people who aren't here, should have polled no votes. They also promise to repeal the smoking ban. The only ones on the voting form to promise that.

Coldest winter for a long time, still pretty chilly out there now, pubs closing, smokers forced to stand out in sub-zero temperatures since last November... see where those votes are coming from yet? If UKIP had stood here they would have done better. They would probably not have won but they would have made a dent in the leaderboard for sure. LPUK could too, after a few months of educating the locals about what it means.

All parties apart from UKIP, BNP and LPUK regard the smoking ban as a done deal. They will do nothing to repeal or even slightly relax it. Smokers who vote for the main parties are lambs knocking on the slaughterhouse door. So are drinkers and anyone who likes a bit of fat or salt in their dinner. You are voting for the Puritans, people!

The smoking ban is a big deal. It is an important election issue. If the Cameroid had even acknowledged it, he'd be in No 10 now with his trowel and bucket of plaster filling in Nokia-shaped holes in the walls. Still he will not see it. There will probably be another election within a year and we smokers will vote to cripple you again. You hate us. You have made that clear. Expect no mercy. We have nothing left to lose.

What of the Cleggites? Well, they are pandering to the Billy Bragg school of politics-by-thug-demand and are too busy fighting amongst themselves to ever be a concern to anyone else.

It is a mess and in this mess, we the people count for nothing,. It is all about power. They want it, they have it and all they are concerned about is who has the most of it.

Well, the Tory/LibDem alliance has already jumped the rails. The Clegg will demand the Gorgon's head on a plate if he is to deal with them and if he gets it, the Cameroid is sewer filler. No matter who leads the country by next week, it is unlikely to be the leader anyone voted for and the only party leader still in place will be the one who can't be PM, but who will decide who can be. Does this sound like any political system the British will accept?

Pitchforks and flaming brands at the ready.

We might be looking at a very Greek summer, but without the sunshine. Stock up on tinned food and salt if you haven't already.