Today's madness in brief...

No links today. It's all in the pages of any paper you care to pick up.

The Crusty Campers outside St.Paul's might disrupt Remembrance Day or they might not. The Mad Mullahs certainly intend to, they have stated that they intend to, and they will have permission for their abusive and disgusting protest. Those soldiers who die in foreign wars didn't ask to be sent there and defacing cenotaphs and disrupting the services should be a crime. As it is, preventing these people disrupting the services is the crime.

Nobody invited the creation of 'Muslim areas' within the UK where MPs and pretty much everyone else is not welcome. Seal those Muslim areas, if that's what they want. Nobody and nothing goes in or out. We'll soon see how much they enjoy exclusivity.

Internet porn has been blamed for psycho killer Vincent Tabak and the Church is considering no longer investing in Internet porn sites. Oh yes, it seems they have been, with large wads of cash just like those councils who employ smoking cessation enforcers whose pensions are funded by tobacco investments. Tabak is nuts, dangerously nuts, and internet porn did not make him nuts. Apparently he was looking up strangulation porn, therefore he must have been nuts to start with.

I can't be bothered with porn any more. Why does it always have to involve anal? That's horrible. Women with rectums you could pitch a tennis ball into without touching the sides. All I can think about is the revolting results when they get older. Plug? You could fit a door in there. And the men come equipped to put out fires, it seems to me. Nobody could fill one of those with blood without passing out, unless they have another pint transfused in before filming. Porn had its heyday in the seventies with normal-sized blokes, no silicone, bad dubbing and 'waka-waka' guitar music. I even remember one that had a storyline. Now it's just silly.

Ban it? Why? I don't need it banned. If you want to avoid it, resist the temptation to type certain combinations of words into Google. Porn doesn't come looking for me so to avoid it, all I need do is not go looking for it. Easy. These banmeisters really need to get a grip.

Next, more government meddling with the cheeeldren. Cameron is incensed that councils aren't getting enough children adopted. There is much muttering about being 'too white and middle class' for the twats in charge to allow adoption. No mention of the ban on smokers but hey, that ban suits me. No overstuffed orphanage will ever force a child into my home because I'll smoke at them. And probably make them live under the floor where they can dig me a wine cellar.

There is disquiet that young girls are skipping meals in order to look like those Halloween creatures in the fashion magazines. The ones that save the NHS money on X-rays because all you need is a sunny day and a window. There is terrible quaking about children getting no exercise and still being excessively thin or maybe morbidly obese, depending which page you're on in today's papers. They are growing fat on junk food while simultaneously wasting away through self-starvation. Quantum physics has a lot to answer for.

They're all getting rickets too. Well, that's no surprise. Watery milk, no meat, so no calcium. Vitamin D is fat-soluble so when you stop all fat intake, you don't get that either. A lack of either Vit D or calcium gives you soft bones that bend when you put weight on them - and the health nuts have removed both from everyone's diet. Okay, not everyone's. Only the gullible, but there are so very many of them.

As for exercise, parents are too scared to let their children outside in case Gary Glitter, who has now acquired the power of flight and can smell an unattended child from half a county away, swoops down and snatches them from the street. Schools don't even allow parents to photograph their own children in school plays because everyone knows that all those parents will take those photos home and masturbate themselves into a coma over the other children in the picture. All parents do this, it must be true because nobody who isn't a parent is likely to want to go to a school play. This is really what head teachers believe now.

In EU-land, Cameron has become noticeably less keen since Sarkozy's 'Le fuck off, Rosbif merde-bouche' speech but Clegg is the same height as Sarkozy and he hates Tories too, so Clegg is now acting as though somebody gives a crap what he's saying. Clegg used to be an MEP and there'll be a pension attached to that. If we leave the EU, pop goes his pension. If we stay in much longer, he might find that pop goes the weasel.

The Euro-users are forming a sub-EU which will tell the non-Euro-users what to do. Obviously enamoured with this notion, Hideous Harman has decided to form a sub-Labour party which does not include Mr. Ed the Talking Arse, nor indeed any men at all. Ladies only in the Harman Harem. Let's just hope they don't get any ideas for internet fund-raisers. Although if you want to turn people off porn, that would do it.

Both Cameron and Moribund now have deputies who are publically taking the piss. Do either of them have the guts to do anything about it? It's not likely, is it?

What's the biggest drain on the NHS today? Smoking? Drinking? Obesity? Salt? Anorexic drunk smoking salty fat children with rickets? Not today. Today it's care in the community that's costing the NHS six billion every year. That's right, all those frothy-mouthed antismokers cost the NHS more than smoking ever did. A tax on madness must surely follow. Meanwhile the NHS is to allow caesarian birthing even if it's not necessary, so women can keep their attractive figure plus a large and rather fetching scar. Dr. Caligula is overjoyed and is ready to rip your child from your bleeding body at a moment's notice. Using his teeth.

In another triumph for quantum science, Cameron vows to continue reducing the deficit left by Labour by making it even bigger. He's not going to change course, that iceberg is a mirage and the ship is unsinkable. Rearrange the deckchairs, that'll fix it. Better yet, do what the EU is doing and sell it all to China.

Today we were also treated to the revelation that posting letters first class on Saturday does not guarantee next day delivery. The trivial detail that there has never been a Sunday delivery is somehow overlooked. Someone, somewhere, worked out how much heavier a Kindle will be when you fill it with electronic books. Yes, really. Once more we have to hear theories on near-death experiences when there is really only one way to know whether there is anything after death - and then it's too late to do anything about it so why worry now?

Moves are afoot to ban laser pointers because dickheads are pointing them at planes and footballers. Meanwhile British scientists plan to build a laser that could tear apart the fabric of spacetime. This will cost 1.5 billion and produce around 100,000 times as much energy as the world's entire electricity production. Since it's science its carbon emissions don't count, just as the Large Hadron Collider produced no carbon during construction and use. Your Dimbulb Specials with added mercury will kill a polar bear if you leave them on but when science uses energy, new polar bears spontaneously generate.

Nothing in the world makes any sense at all any more. Reality plays no part in any aspect of politics, science, health or anything else. Turn the page and reality changes, and all the commenters agree with the new reality while seeing no conflict with the previous reality. You want the globe to warm? Wish it so, and it is so. Anyone arguing with you can be dismissed as a denier. Their reality is wrong.

Sooner or later, something is going to go bang somewhere. There are too many simultaneous realities and the whole lot must eventually collapse.Currently I think the global warming scam will break first and when that first domino goes down the rest will soon follow.

When it happens, it's going to be very interesting indeed.

Best stock up on popcorn.