Monday, 31 October 2011

Today's madness in brief...

No links today. It's all in the pages of any paper you care to pick up.

The Crusty Campers outside St.Paul's might disrupt Remembrance Day or they might not. The Mad Mullahs certainly intend to, they have stated that they intend to, and they will have permission for their abusive and disgusting protest. Those soldiers who die in foreign wars didn't ask to be sent there and defacing cenotaphs and disrupting the services should be a crime. As it is, preventing these people disrupting the services is the crime.

Nobody invited the creation of 'Muslim areas' within the UK where MPs and pretty much everyone else is not welcome. Seal those Muslim areas, if that's what they want. Nobody and nothing goes in or out. We'll soon see how much they enjoy exclusivity.

Internet porn has been blamed for psycho killer Vincent Tabak and the Church is considering no longer investing in Internet porn sites. Oh yes, it seems they have been, with large wads of cash just like those councils who employ smoking cessation enforcers whose pensions are funded by tobacco investments. Tabak is nuts, dangerously nuts, and internet porn did not make him nuts. Apparently he was looking up strangulation porn, therefore he must have been nuts to start with.

I can't be bothered with porn any more. Why does it always have to involve anal? That's horrible. Women with rectums you could pitch a tennis ball into without touching the sides. All I can think about is the revolting results when they get older. Plug? You could fit a door in there. And the men come equipped to put out fires, it seems to me. Nobody could fill one of those with blood without passing out, unless they have another pint transfused in before filming. Porn had its heyday in the seventies with normal-sized blokes, no silicone, bad dubbing and 'waka-waka' guitar music. I even remember one that had a storyline. Now it's just silly.

Ban it? Why? I don't need it banned. If you want to avoid it, resist the temptation to type certain combinations of words into Google. Porn doesn't come looking for me so to avoid it, all I need do is not go looking for it. Easy. These banmeisters really need to get a grip.

Next, more government meddling with the cheeeldren. Cameron is incensed that councils aren't getting enough children adopted. There is much muttering about being 'too white and middle class' for the twats in charge to allow adoption. No mention of the ban on smokers but hey, that ban suits me. No overstuffed orphanage will ever force a child into my home because I'll smoke at them. And probably make them live under the floor where they can dig me a wine cellar.

There is disquiet that young girls are skipping meals in order to look like those Halloween creatures in the fashion magazines. The ones that save the NHS money on X-rays because all you need is a sunny day and a window. There is terrible quaking about children getting no exercise and still being excessively thin or maybe morbidly obese, depending which page you're on in today's papers. They are growing fat on junk food while simultaneously wasting away through self-starvation. Quantum physics has a lot to answer for.

They're all getting rickets too. Well, that's no surprise. Watery milk, no meat, so no calcium. Vitamin D is fat-soluble so when you stop all fat intake, you don't get that either. A lack of either Vit D or calcium gives you soft bones that bend when you put weight on them - and the health nuts have removed both from everyone's diet. Okay, not everyone's. Only the gullible, but there are so very many of them.

As for exercise, parents are too scared to let their children outside in case Gary Glitter, who has now acquired the power of flight and can smell an unattended child from half a county away, swoops down and snatches them from the street. Schools don't even allow parents to photograph their own children in school plays because everyone knows that all those parents will take those photos home and masturbate themselves into a coma over the other children in the picture. All parents do this, it must be true because nobody who isn't a parent is likely to want to go to a school play. This is really what head teachers believe now.

In EU-land, Cameron has become noticeably less keen since Sarkozy's 'Le fuck off, Rosbif merde-bouche' speech but Clegg is the same height as Sarkozy and he hates Tories too, so Clegg is now acting as though somebody gives a crap what he's saying. Clegg used to be an MEP and there'll be a pension attached to that. If we leave the EU, pop goes his pension. If we stay in much longer, he might find that pop goes the weasel.

The Euro-users are forming a sub-EU which will tell the non-Euro-users what to do. Obviously enamoured with this notion, Hideous Harman has decided to form a sub-Labour party which does not include Mr. Ed the Talking Arse, nor indeed any men at all. Ladies only in the Harman Harem. Let's just hope they don't get any ideas for internet fund-raisers. Although if you want to turn people off porn, that would do it.

Both Cameron and Moribund now have deputies who are publically taking the piss. Do either of them have the guts to do anything about it? It's not likely, is it?

What's the biggest drain on the NHS today? Smoking? Drinking? Obesity? Salt? Anorexic drunk smoking salty fat children with rickets? Not today. Today it's care in the community that's costing the NHS six billion every year. That's right, all those frothy-mouthed antismokers cost the NHS more than smoking ever did. A tax on madness must surely follow. Meanwhile the NHS is to allow caesarian birthing even if it's not necessary, so women can keep their attractive figure plus a large and rather fetching scar. Dr. Caligula is overjoyed and is ready to rip your child from your bleeding body at a moment's notice. Using his teeth.

In another triumph for quantum science, Cameron vows to continue reducing the deficit left by Labour by making it even bigger. He's not going to change course, that iceberg is a mirage and the ship is unsinkable. Rearrange the deckchairs, that'll fix it. Better yet, do what the EU is doing and sell it all to China.

Today we were also treated to the revelation that posting letters first class on Saturday does not guarantee next day delivery. The trivial detail that there has never been a Sunday delivery is somehow overlooked. Someone, somewhere, worked out how much heavier a Kindle will be when you fill it with electronic books. Yes, really. Once more we have to hear theories on near-death experiences when there is really only one way to know whether there is anything after death - and then it's too late to do anything about it so why worry now?

Moves are afoot to ban laser pointers because dickheads are pointing them at planes and footballers. Meanwhile British scientists plan to build a laser that could tear apart the fabric of spacetime. This will cost 1.5 billion and produce around 100,000 times as much energy as the world's entire electricity production. Since it's science its carbon emissions don't count, just as the Large Hadron Collider produced no carbon during construction and use. Your Dimbulb Specials with added mercury will kill a polar bear if you leave them on but when science uses energy, new polar bears spontaneously generate.

Nothing in the world makes any sense at all any more. Reality plays no part in any aspect of politics, science, health or anything else. Turn the page and reality changes, and all the commenters agree with the new reality while seeing no conflict with the previous reality. You want the globe to warm? Wish it so, and it is so. Anyone arguing with you can be dismissed as a denier. Their reality is wrong.

Sooner or later, something is going to go bang somewhere. There are too many simultaneous realities and the whole lot must eventually collapse.Currently I think the global warming scam will break first and when that first domino goes down the rest will soon follow.

When it happens, it's going to be very interesting indeed.

Best stock up on popcorn.

22 comments:

Humph said...

And the latest, 'no more money for you if you don't treat gay people the way we tell you. Honour killings, abuse of women, harbouring international terrorists and promoting extremism, developing nuclear arsenals, all tickety boo, you just go ahead'.

Why doesn't the Camerloon just say to, ooo I don't know, let's just say India off the top of my head, sort out the inherent racism and corruption in your society, stop fucking procreating like mad until you actually do get that all important male heir, try spending a bit on your squillions of poor (i.e. people really in 'poverty') rather than fucking space programmes, then have a think about how you treat gays, then maybe, just maybe we'll bung you a few hundred.

I'm just glad Dave has his priorities sorted.

Oldrightie said...

There is still our reality. Country walks, open fires, beautiful gardens, countryside and the sheer joy of being alive. It's a shame it's all under threat but still available!

Katabasis said...

"Reality plays no part in any aspect of politics, science, health or anything else."

This!

Europhiles still assure me that the Euro is "fine" and that "Britain should join". I'm simply at a complete loss as to how to reason with them.

Meanwhile, despite the second author claiming subsequently that it is all a farce, the BEST re-assessment of the temperature record managed to grab the press attention first to claim that "global warming is happening". I see no prominent corrections pointing out that it is a complete lie according to their own data, but of course people will only remember 'global warming is real according to the most recent temperature records' etc.

Truth? Facts? Honesty? All optional in our new Post-Normal world....

Anonymous said...

Cracking good way to start a Monday! Thank you.

English Pensioner said...

I've always considered the arguments about smokers being a drain on the NHS are ridiculous. Yes, exactly like most like non-smokers, they will probably need expensive hospital treatment in the year or so before they die, but if the government is to be believed they all die at a younger age, and so they incur less pension costs, don't incur all the "care and maintenance" costs of us oldies. No regular blood tests, statins, blood pressure pills flu jabs and all the rest that the surgery try to force upon me (which I generally decline). To save money, the government should encourage smoking and drinking, particularly amongst the older generation resulting in shorter lives, decreased expenditure and of course increased taxation revenue.

Captain Haddock said...

"What's the biggest drain on the NHS today? " ...

So-called "Health Tourists" & Immigrants who've never paid a penny into the system and have no intention of ever doing so ...

But as long as Gays are free to marry & he can control the number of plastic bags we use "Brave Dave" is happy and feels he's doing something useful ...

Except the rest of us can see just what a twat he really is ..

Dioclese said...

You forgot to mention a world population of 7 billion forcast to reach 10 billion by the end of the century.

People really ought to read "Soylent Green" or "Stand on Zanzibar" and then tie a knot in their cocks.

I had great hopes that Aids would sort this mess out but it seems that it only effects gays (when did that ridiculous misuse of the word come into play, anyway?) and they don't reproduce.

I am firmly convinced that the world is buggered up beyond redemption and unfortunately we are so thick that we dumped the space program thus closing off the only escape route.

Let's hope there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, because there is certainly none on planet Earth...

Ed P said...

This rotten excuse for a civilisation will end,"not with a bang but with a whimper", although during the sixties the bang option was expected (and perhaps would have been a kindness, considering what our "societies" have now become).

Best prepare for self-sufficiency, as world currencies will probably all collapse soon. And just wait for the wailing when mobile phones don't work anymore (because no-one is looking after the satellites).

smokervoter said...

Fat-free milk is udderly pointless, a hideous mixture of cows water and chalk. Those who purchase it deserve rickets and worse. What's next, photosynthesis free produce? Think of the energy footprint. Not to mention the poor enslaved plants, forced to constantly convert sunshine into demon sugar for greedy human pleasure.

Flesh-free humanity? Already been done - it's called Facebook.

Bill Sticker said...

Maybe we're all living in some weird Halloween storyland. Maybe we'll all wake up and find it's been a horrible dream?

Ah. Sorry. No. Upon reflection it's SNAFU as always. All end in tears, won't be mine.

Anonymous said...

"Best stock up on popcorn."


"A recent study conducted in Washington DC movie theaters revealed that enjoying a tasty bag of popcorn and soda is equivalent to wolfing down three McDonald's Quarter Pounders plus 12 pats of butter.
A laboratory analysis was commissioned by the nonprofit Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI)."
http://www.examiner.com/dc-in-washington-dc/movie-popcorn-soda-obesity


Sweetcorn 'Red Strawberry' (Popcorn)

"A fun variety, Sweetcorn Red Strawberry has tiny, red, jewel-like kernels, on compact, strawberry-shaped ears only 5cm (2in) long, 3-4 cobs per plant.

To make your own popcorn, simply place the entire cob in the microwave and watch it explode with ready to eat fluffy, white popped corn"
http://www.thompson-morgan.com/vegetables/vegetable-seeds/all-other-vegetable-seeds/sweetcorn-red-strawberry/867TM

So that's OK.


Rose

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Leg-iron

Just to make the start of your week even better:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/92-year-old-refused-whisky-after-failing-to-provide-proof-of-age.html

Who said the world couldn't get any madder?

DP

prog said...

Sounds of the 70's - the utterly brilliant album 'Porno Groove'

Greatful Head....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrOtAvzJYts&feature=related

One of several tracks, all gems.

Tony said...

I am a regular reader of this excellent blog and I must say this one is brilliant, you sum up the absolute madness of people in a few very well formed sentences mate. The "ban culture" is getting worse every year (I remember the good old days back in the 70's.and 80's, oh the good old days!)

Anyway mate keep up the great work while you are still allowed to because some fucking twat will probably want to ban blogs too before long.

retrospective riot round-up said...

The Crusty Campers outside St.Paul's might disrupt Remembrance Day or they might not. The Mad Mullahs certainly intend to, they have stated that they intend to, and they will have permission for their abusive and disgusting protest. Those soldiers who die in foreign wars didn't ask to be sent there and defacing cenotaphs and disrupting the services should be a crime. As it is, preventing these people disrupting the services is the crime.

i'm sure that, likewise, muslims aren't altogether chuffed about the deadly domestic disruption our forces have wreaked in the course of intervention in iraq and afghanistan - the citizens there did not ask for these military occupations, and do not wish them to continue.

Nobody invited the creation of 'Muslim areas' within the UK where MPs and pretty much everyone else is not welcome. Seal those Muslim areas, if that's what they want. Nobody and nothing goes in or out. We'll soon see how much they enjoy exclusivity.

...i'm not quite sure where these 'muslim areas' within the united kingdom are precisely...but, on the other hand, i daresay that muslims in the middle east did not exactly have the opportunity to hold a referendum on the creation of militarized non-muslim areas in afghanistan, iraq etc...

...and i suppose you envisage that sealing muslims off in britain, would be consistent with our government's policy of sealing muslims off in their own countries...and would kinda give them that home-from-home feeling...obviously, you're all heart leg-iron, and i misjudged you you caring old cunt.


humph, 31 October 2011 07:42

And the latest, 'no more money for you if you don't treat gay people the way we tell you. Honour killings, abuse of women, harbouring international terrorists and promoting extremism, developing nuclear arsenals, all tickety boo, you just go ahead'.

well, in principle, the whole war on terror was always really just some democratically divined mass honour-killing of hundreds of thousands of unarmed men, women and children - and as for the other unsavoury items on your list, we're pretty much traditionally committed to all of them ourselves...so it looks as tho' davey the deaf demo-dog is adhering to the wisdom of the ancient adage: don't play with live missiles in a nuclear missile silo.

rustle smarty said...

01:51

ooooo...i know, dear - our beloved beer-spectacled blogger has been a bit frosty, frusty and fractious recently, hasn't she? one wonders what on earth's gotten into the old girl, if anything...

best to ignore her when she's in one these sorts of mood i think, honey. maybe it's not only her leg's wot's been slapped in iron...?

Leg-iron said...

retrospective riot etc - Ten out of ten for strawman contruction. Well done.

You can deny that there are posters in parts of London declaring the imposition of Sharia law there if you like. That's okay, reality is what you want it to be these days.

I was against our involvement in Iraq and Libya and against the upcoming chest-beating nonsense about to start in Iran. In Afghanstain, fair enough they went in after Osmium bin Liner but when it was clear he had moved on, so should we. There was no justification for staying when the target had gone.

I am against the creation of non-Muslim areas in Muslim countries by occupying forces just as I am against the corollary here. You seem to have the opinion that it's wrong for the West to declare their own areas in Muslim countries but that it's okay for Muslims to do it here. Both are wrong.

Those who attacked muslim countries and who will do it again are politicians. Not the soldiers going where they are told, not the general public and not me. Out of those, the only ones in no danger of attack by Muslims are the politicians.

Now. Tell me again why my stance on this is wrong.

Leg-iron said...

Typo- Afghanistan. Before some idiot with no argument decides that spotting a typo actually matters.

ropey reasonings ltd said...

02:39

a neat little map indicating the boundaries and subjugated streets of the london areas where i must observe sharia law would be much appreciated - one poster does not make a muslim state, although, admittedly, in the state which you find yourself after one too many non-alcoholic whiskies, anything's a possibility, i imagine.

osama bin laden essentially drew his power from the reactionary revolutionary forces set against western military and political intervention in the wider middle east - western oppression is the root problem, and it was never bin laden himself, who, minus the recruiting whip of western aggression, would, like any other world leader, if tempted to abuse their power, only have posed a threat to his own people.

i am not aware of any occupying muslim forces in britain; muslim and non-muslim areas are created by consent and natural congregation, no-one, in my experience, is compelled to live in any particular district - barring financial constraints, it's purely a matter of choice.

our soldiers have a choice as to whether they join the armed services and also have a choice in the matter of obeying immoral orders, which is, incidentally, an offence punishable by court martial - however, ordinary civilian families in the middle east have no choice about being blown to blazes by allied cruise missiles which fail to observe courtesy by knocking on the door prior to being granted admission.

i could have made that final point in my first comment, however, since you are obviously fully conscious of those facts, and, like the bloody brave but basically barmy british army, seem to enjoy a spot of masochism, i decided to give you the opportunity of indulging in some further self-inflicted torture.

ritual right-wing roastings said...

02:39

is a strawman construction sort of like a 'wicker man' or something?

Leg-iron said...

Ropey - you want me to feel guilt. I can't, I have been bombarded with daily attempts to make me feel guilty for so long that I am immunised. I have felt no guilt for years. Try it, it's better for your health than giving up smoking.

You want me to feel guilty for something someone I don't know is doing to someone else I don't know on the other side of the planet. Something I can neither prevent nor affect in any way. I can, and do, disapprove and protest that it should not happen, but I can do nothing practical about it at all.

You want to believe that the reports of Sharia law in parts of the UK, the no-go areas for non-Muslims, do not exist. I am happy to let you continue believing anything you like and am not interested in proving anything. You go about your day believing that the only evil people are white and male and Western and I will do nothing at all to change your mind. Your mind is your responsibility.

You see, I don't care any more. I don't care about those who think that everything non-white and non-British is wonderful. I don't care about those who believe that a trace of nicotine will kill them, or a hint of salt or fat, or being close to someone overweight. I don't care.

I don't care if the Greeks default or cave in to the EU. I don't care if Iran nukes Israel and sparks up a war that turns the Middle East into a vast plain of glass. I do not believe we should be in anyway involved in that but what do you expect me to do? Write to my MP, the one who values my opinion so highly he voted against even discussing the smoking ban in Parliament? I've never voted for him and his majority here is shrinking. That, in a small way, I can affect.

I don't care because those who claim to care don't really care either. It is not a cause, it is a weapon to use on their own people to force them to feel guilt. It is control and I cannot be controlled.

What you will never understand is that I don't, and can't, care about you. Your opinions are always of interest here, I won't ban anyone, but try to grasp this - the world is not what you imagine it to be.

Oh never mind. Keep trying to control if that's what you want. It won't bother me because it won't affect me.

The strawman like the wicker man? In a sense, yes. You're building one around yourself without even noticing and one day, the people you least expect will light it.

I don't care enough to explain further.

john terry - m.a. cuntab. (majoring in dialectical materialism, barking college) said...

03:43

oh yeah mate, there are no-go areas in britain all right, but they've historically developed as a consequence of the harsh class divisions, you see son, and are nuffink to do with muslims or any other religious minority. an', you know, it's not jus' the ghettos and poor areas that are affected - take my 11-acre-11-swimming-pool-11-snooker-table-11-garage pad out in the country, if anyone comes anywhere within shooting range they get sent off automatically, understood?

You go about your day believing that the only evil people are white and male and Western and I will do nothing at all to change your mind. Your mind is your responsibility.

oi ref...that's a dirty sneaky fuckin' foul on my character ref, that's not fuckin' true at all, that's a fuckin' red-card, ref - some of my best fuckin' mates are fuckin' black ***** (censored by the f.a's) an' i know their birds quite well too...an' that's jus' what i'm tryin' to say you see...we're taught all about diversity an' encouraged to fill-in those ethnic questionnaires at school or when going for jobs, but as soon as you add the ancient anglo-saxon semi-pronoun to the racial descriptor, the fuckin' fa wants to suspend you, and the fuckin' words aswell...yeah, only the other day, during a deep philosophical discourse on ethics and semantics in the field of human communication, i woz making a hypothetical reponse to a hypothetical question about a hypothetical scenario where i woz hypothetically kicked in the nuts by someone who's got a better fuckin' contract than me, an' simply by adding the fuckin' customary efnic english punctuation (or is that grammar, i can never fuckin' remember) an' observing the common rules of east-end syntax, i get fuckin' hauled over the fuckin' coles. what a cunt. an' i even observed equal fuckin' opportunities eti-fuckin'-quette by courteously fuckin' paying homage to the guy's geographical heritage. it's a deliberate fuckin' obstruction of traditional british fuckin' culture, i fuckin' say - how fuckin' racist is that?

opinions powered by SendLove.to