Friday, 26 February 2010

Scrawny wenches.

(This post is sponsored by most of a bottle of Highland Park. I've finished the stats and won't start the report until tomorrow. Logic has the rest of the night off).

Having a bit of Italian genetics can be useful. I've never been in danger of falling asleep at the wheel when driving, despite having low blood pressure. My blood pressure is maintained by being constantly enraged at every other driver on the road. Nevertheless, I stopped bothering because of all the tax and the tax on top of tax and because there were so many idiots allowed out there and because I didn't like it.

Another bit of Italian genetics applies to my preference where women are concerned. I am not at all attracted by someone who weighs less than a photograph of themselves, nor by a skeleton covered in painted latex. I like, as they say in Yorkshire, summat t' get a hold of. The chunkier women, somewhere between Lisa Snowdon and a barrage balloon, are the ones I like. Scrawny wenches are scrawny because they don't like food and because they are obsessed with fashion. I, with my bolognese-stained string vest and ability to rage with my hands, like women who know how to cook. Let's face it, if you can't cook pasta you can't cook at all. It's easier than boiling an egg. If a woman has no flesh on her bones she's going to feed you on tofu and cucumber and you can't last long on that.

So this piece of beef jerky is hauled up by the Hairy Male as an example of a typical teenage girl. I don't care all that much, I'm way too old to bother with teenage girls and currently regard any woman under 30 as a giggling idiot. This one isn't giggling but fits the other criteria very nicely.

''I'm 5ft 6in and weigh 7st 7lb.

You are scrawny. Get a lasagne made with real tomatoes, not tinned or supermarket ones, some decent butcher's mince rather than the extruded cereal-laden lard you normally get and a proper pair of red and white sauces. And real cheese. Then have another. Otherwise you'll be literally gone with the wind.

At the moment I'm a size 8 but I can squeeze into size 6 skinny jeans. I would love to be a size 0 which, I think, is a UK size 4, but I can't see that happening.

Size zero is 'dead'. In fact it's 'very very dead'. Even Tutankhamun isn't a size zero and he's been dead for thousands of years. It is not an attractive look, he hasn't had a girlfriend for a very long time. UK size 4 refers only to exhumations of bodies more than ten years dead. If you can get into size 6 skinny jeans you are thinner than the average archaeological exhibit. Quite how you can regard that as a good thing will always elude me.

My Dad gives me £50 at the start of the week and that's meant to cover my lunches and my train fare to college.

Fifty quid pocket money? How the hell are you so malnourished? How much is this train fare anyway?

But I always buy about two packets of cigarettes a week which cost £12, so there's not much left for healthy food.

There's £38 left. That buys more apples and bananas than anyone could eat in a week. You could buy rollups which will cost a fraction of your current tobacco spend. If you're on 40 a week (amateur) you'll get that and more out of a fiver's worth of rolling baccy, even at UK prices. You can even get menthol filters. I've tried them, in combination with liquorice papers, and it's really funny.

This is the 'oh, I can't afford healthy food' bollocks again. Most healthy food is growing wild at the roadside. I have filled buckets with blackberries, raspberries and wimberries (they are not blueberries but look similar) and all of them were growing wild and free of tax or profit. Apples are cheap. Most ordinary fruit is cheap. Lettuce and cabbage, well, I wonder why the supermarkets bother to charge at all. They can only be making trivial amounts of profit. Even meat and fish. Come on. Watch for the markdowns at the end of the day. You can buy steaks and whole fish for pennies. Don't give me that 'I can only afford overpriced and overprocessed and overpackaged fast food' rubbish. You are a lazy bitch. Admit it.

By 5pm I was starving and I ate a bar of Galaxy, a full bag of prawn crackers and a current bun.

I'm sure a current bun was a better option than an antique one. Daily Mail, if you're looking for a proofreader, I offer reasonable rates. Sarcasm is added for free.

In the evening, I told my mum I was going to a friend's house to study, but went to the pub with my boyfriend. I had a glass of water with lime in it and a glass of cola.

You lied about going out for water and pop?

I didn't order alcohol in case one of my parents' friends saw me - I hate living in a village sometimes.

Now we are into a whole new dimension of stupid. She lied to her parents and went to the pub where her parents' friends might spot her and report back, but she thinks she is invisible if she only drinks water and fizzy pop.

This is the future of this country, you know.

The brain is largely made of fat. The nerves are insulated by fat. It's a particular form of fat called myelin. You need it. Fat really has to be in your diet.

Otherwise you end up believing that lime flavoured water makes you invisible and that Tutankhamun without the bandages is a look that will attract normal boys rather than serious weirdos.

I think I'll stick to the more substantial women. At least their brains are working.

They can cook too.


Billy The Fish said...

Still chuckling at this half an hour on...

I appear to be your opposite, Leg-iron old son, as I love skinny women (though anything under a size 8 isn't a good look). However, I'm also fond of a bosom, and the two are generally mutually exclusive. Peter Cook once described his ideal woman as 'Audrey Hepburn, but with Jayne Mansfield overtones', and I can fuly appreciate where he was coming from with that. It also explains my life-long love affair with Kate Bush, which I alluded to elsewhere.

Sadly, the young lady, though pleasing to the eye at this end, fails to hit the spot for me for two reasons. Firstly, she is far too young (I too concur with the great John Malkovich's opinion of women under thirty) and secondly, she appears to be almost 'painting the letters L and R on her shoes' stupid.

Thin is attractive. Thick isn't.

BTS said...

But you can train the young stupid ones. To do the important stuff that is.

I prefer to make my own food anyway..

Anonymous said...

If this young woman achieves her objective her dress size will equal her I.Q.
By the way Billy the Fish, you probably don't match up to my idea of the perfect male, but I don't think any less of you for it.

The Heretic

Pingu in Portugal said...

Why don't they eat proper food?! It is so much more tasty. 10 minutes chopping up veg and tatties, stick it in a roasting tin with some lumps of good meat. Cover with oil and season, salt is also a necessary part of the diet and I'll not have the government tell me otherwise, stick in pre-heated oven and leave. Pull out some time later and you have wonderful roasted veg, tatties and meat. Yum!

Shaun Pilkington said...

The role of fat in the Brain is interesting. There's a relatively interesting theory/diet concerning Multiple Sclerosis by the improbably named Dr Swank.

In MS, the myelin, the fatty insulation around the axons (nerves) in your brain gets damaged and stripped, shorting out the neural signalling required to drive your body. The disease was unknown to science before the early 18th C or so and the theory goes that it was at this point that humans in the West (who got MS) started consuming saturated fats in larger quantities than unsaturated fats.

The Dr notes that its easier to metabolise saturated than unsaturated and that this leads to poorer quality myelin which then either disintegrates and gets cleaned up by the immune system or is recognised by that system as being a wrong-un and is selectively murdered.

No idea if there's any truth to it - the initial study ran for 50 years during which time the concepts of medical trials changed making the results a bit... um. Tho the stats did seem to indicate better outcomes for people on < 20g Sat fat a day than those who just ate whatever they fancied.

Still, as someone with MS, watching your Saturated Fat intake sure does take your mind off not being able to entirely feel your fingers!

Anonymous said...

People say they don't like curvy women because the PC crowd has made curvy mean fat.

prm said...

wrt the 'not able to afford healthy food' bollocks, Theodore Dalrymple has a nice bit about this in one of his articles. When practicing in some crappy area he would see unhealthy, fat, ill, welfarey white types, yet similarly poor asians were fine. Reason? The lazy whites bought easy processed crap and the asians went to the local grocery and loaded up with cheap, healthy raw ingredients to cook with.

microdave said...

Do they still teach cookery in school these days?

Billy The Fish said...


If your idea of the perfect male is a stumpy bald bloke with a six-inch goatee, multiple piercings and a predilection for Thrash Metal, then it's your lucky day!

Come and get me, baby - I'm a love albatross!

Walls said...

Aha! So, you are an Italo-Welshman.

Perhaps you are one of the Sidoli clan, and your research is really the development of fiendishly flavoursome ice cream.

I've got your number!

Agree with you about birds though.

Anonymous said...

Billy the Fish, sounds irresistable, where should we meet up. Oh, just to be fair I should say that I am a five foot one, size ten, irredemably married,53year old. Still a girl can dream eh.

The Heretic

Anonymous said...

You'll love this, leg-iron (I did). The Canadian women's hockey team celebrated their gold medals with champagne and....CIGARS!!! Owww, so scandalized was that bastion of propriety, the Daily Mail, that they've made a huge song and dance about it.

Well, good on you, girls! I celebrated the births of my kids with cigars and, you know what? Considering the foul indoctrination techniques employed by the fetid anti-smoking excreta, the fact that young adults(and of the most athletic type) have seen through their nasty little fascist attitudes and have decided to celebrate in the traditional manner..with a drink and a SMOKE, is a victory for common sense and the early death knell for those nazi bastards who think it's acceptable to tell us how to live our one (and only) lives.


naturalnoble said...

"Ice resurfacing machine."

It's a Zamboni, stupid Daily Mail twats.

What is so embarrassing about the picture the snowboard kid backed out over?

Leg-iron said...

Walls - A Sidoli? Pah. I come from the Barbero clan. Safe enough to say because there are a lot of us and it was my mother's side, so it's not my name now.

In three generations, we've been busy little breeders.

Leg-iron said...

Anon 15:52 - Dick Puddlecote covered it.

It was amusing though and the Mail, along with all the commenters, missed the point.

The Gold was won by a bunch of smoky-drinkers!

Hooray for our side!

Leg-iron said...

Naturalnoble - apparently some woman was kneeling in front of him and kissing his medal at waist height.

That's offensive to the Righteous even though they've just used the exact same trick with a cigarette.

Fair? There is no such thing.

Fausty said...

It takes minutes to create a healthy meal - ask the French. Their meals are simple, practical and healthy.

The skinny wench is evidently too malnourished to think.

Ripe pickings for the Righteous ... she will no doubt become one of their re-educated drones.

Devil's Kitchen said...

"The brain is largely made of fat. The nerves are insulated by fat. It's a particular form of fat called myelin. You need it. Fat really has to be in your diet."

Not to mention the fact that your cell walls are made of fats. In fact, your cell walls are kept in the correct shape (at least partially) by a saturated fat called...

... cholesterol.


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