Look, children, if you don't smoke, this will happen to your face.
You'll turn into the Joker and you'll become deranged.
You'll turn into the Joker and you'll become deranged.
We smokers can't really expect the pubs to support us when the tobacco industry doesn't give a damn about us. They are willing to see their customers shafted by the likes of ASH and their puppets in government and when taken to task, all they can do is make excuses. We can't trust the tobacco companies. We're better off growing our own.
So who can we trust? The pub industry? Despite their own industry falling apart because the weather this year has been too vile for al-fresco smoking, they are, by and large, trying to blame their problems on supermarkets selling booze cheaper. Which the supermarkets and indeed off-licences have always done. The pub was never about price. It was about socialising. Now it's only about socialising if you don't smoke. If you do, you might as well stay home and pay off-sales prices. Why pay a premium to smoke in the rain? CAMRA won't see it. The pubs won't see it. When the current oppression breaks, Smoky-Drinky will get a licence and New Pub will rise from the bankrupt remnants of the old. We already have regulars to rely on.
We can't rely on the pubs. With a few notable exceptions, they have caved in.
The government? Not a chance. The government are all spineless and mindless and in thrall to the Joker pictured above. They are only interested in us when it's time to vote. None of them give a well-rotted cowpat about us in between voting days. They are in it for themselves and I wouldn't trust any of them any further than I could comfortably expel a badger from my left nostril. They are as reliable as a wax fireplace. Utterly useless and one enormously expensive white elephant.
The antismokers target anyone in the public eye who might like a cigarette. It's for the cheeeldren. The cheeeldren might see. The cheeeldren will definitely take up smoking if they see sportsmen or film stars or even vacant bimbos on daytime TV smoking. These new cheeldren aren't worth keeping if they are that weak-willed.
I was 21 when I first decided I'd like a smoke. My father smoked since before I was born. Never interested me. As children, he used to send my brother and I to the corner shop to pick up a pack of cigarettes. We were allowed to buy sweets with the change. It never occurred to either of us to be even remotely interested in the cigarettes. Then one day, the shop said 'no'. This did not deprive us of cigarettes. It deprived us of sweets because our father had to go to the shop himself.
In all the films of my youth, everyone smoked. Cigarette machines were outside the corner shops. George Best was the greatest footballer around and not one of us took up smoking or boozing as a result.
These modern cheeeldren are so weak-willed that even a picture of Winston Churchill with a cigar will turn them into fifty-a-day Players Navy Cut puffers. Why keep them? What use are such easily-led morons? We have enough politicians. Let natural selection take its course and weed out the stupid and the feeble.
None of my friends smoked when I started. I started not because of films or sporting heroes or peer pressure or shiny packets, not even because of my father's smoking. I started because of flies.
Even then, I knew that nicotine was poisonous to insects (and that chocolate was poisonous to dogs, and that cow crap was lunch to flies but poisonous to humans. There's a reason I have so many qualifications in biology).
So, when camping, I'd buy a few cigars to keep the flies away. It worked. I tried cigarettes as a cheaper option but didn't like them. Rollups were better - Franklin's was my choice at the time. Then a brief foray into pipe smoking, some bandying about between readymades and rollups and finally settling on rollups with occasional cigars. I decided I enjoyed it so I carried on.
Back then, if you were a smoker at any outdoor event, the non-smokers loved you because your smoke kept the evening insects away. I remember many occasions where I'd move away from a non-smoking group to light up, only to be called back as a human insect repellent. I can't pinpoint when that changed into 'we love being bitten by flies, you can smoke in the next county, you filthy scum' but it has. The antismokers prefer to risk infection from insect bites rather than tolerate a subhuman in their midst nowadays.
The really weird part is that some of those who wanted me around to repel insects years ago, are the same ones who now want me in a rowing boat five miles out to sea before I light up. They honestly don't remember twenty years ago. Doublethink in action.
So even those old nonsmoking friends are friends no longer.
The pharmaceutical industry and the Face of Po, the Dreadful Arnott, don't want us to stop smoking but they want us to keep trying. They want us to use patches and gum that they know don't work. We are to fail to quit and return to smoking so they can sell us the patches and gum again. And again and again. Pharmers and ASH are in the business of profit, not health. They are not our friends.
The world of medicine sees us as an anomaly to be eradicated. We are not Standard Humans and must be made to fit. We're far from the only ones in their sights. Anyone putting their trust in the medical establishment needs their head examined.
So who is left? We can't rely on medics, Pharmers, old nonsmoking friends, anyone in any position of authority, the pubs, not even the tobacco companies we support.
Other smokers, surely? We can rely on each other. Can't we?
How many smokers have you heard supporting the smoking ban? It's much nicer in pubs without the smoke, they say. Oh, that's really comforting to hear while shivering in the snow or trying to light a cigarette in the rain. Maybe it is much nicer inside for them, when they are allowed inside. For me, the inside of a pub is now a place of oppression and pointlessness.
There's also 'I'm a smoker but I hate the smell of smoke'. Then you are an idiot. If you don't like it, don't do it. I never buy spiced rum because I don't like it. I never eat marzipan because I don't like it. See? It's not hard. Doing something you hate when you don't have to is just stupid. It's also exactly what the Dreadful Arnott wants to hear.
There's that CAMRA favourite - 'I smoke decent stuff, everyone else smokes crap and they should be excluded from my wonderful presence'. I like particular tobaccos and don't like others. I have enough of a brain to see that if I demand others' tobacco preferences be curtailed, then they have an equal right to demand mine be similarly curtailed. CAMRA's members - and others - have no such mental capacity.
Many smokers now go outside their own homes to smoke. Soon that will be enforced and they'll just accept it because they've been conditioned to do it already. They have fallen for the second-hand smoke lies and the 'for the cheeeldren' made-up nonsense.
Smokers are not just isolated. We are divided too. All on the basis of what? Science? Facts? Research? No. All on the basis of lies and personal prejudice. The Dreadful Arnott and the BMA have lied over and over and they have escaped censure and scrutiny at every turn. It has now reached the point where brainless wenches on TV can call for the shooting of smokers and nobody bats an eyelid.
Pat Nurse suggests the prosecution of the Dreadful Arnott for inciting hatred and for fraud. I think it's a good idea.
Oh, I am sure the government and the legal system will brush it aside but in doing that, they will make clear that smokers are of no consequence to them. If those mindless TV harridans had called for the expulsion of travellers or the shooting of disabled people or the rounding up of Muslims, they would be in court today. Because their remarks were aimed at smokers, nothing will happen to them. Smokers are an approved hate target. The same treatment, applied to any other group, would bring the full force of the law. If you smoke you are held in less regard than dog shit by your government. It's fine to hate you.
That is what needs to be made clear to those smokers who are cowed into apologising for their own existence every day.
We are hated, and the government not only approves of that hate, it sponsors it.
With our own money.