Anticampaigning.

Holyrood elections approach, and it's time to get busy with some initial subliminal campaigning. Gentle suggestions first, building to all-out 'kill all smokers, fat people and drinkers and send the unemployed to the workhouse' posters later. Every party that hates me will be on the list. I will ask any independents where they stand on the smoking ban before deciding whether to campaign against them.

I won't campaign for anyone. You won't want to be associated with me, especially when the main parties decide to 'out' me because they think it will embarrass me into stopping. If you aren't on the side of death camps for smokers, I'll leave you alone. If you are, well, you started this war and defined the terms of combat. It's far too late to get all prissy about it now.

The Lib Dems get it first because their despicable dictatorial dickhead equated repealing the smoking ban to bringing back the death penalty, then simply ignored all the comments on his 'I'm listening, just not to you' website, and is perfectly happy to let the antismoking Stasi call for violence and death towards smokers. If you're a Lib Dem, you are going to get the worst of this.

But don't smile if you're Labour. You brought this ban in, remember. Don't get too complacent if you're in Oily Al's 'minimum pricing' party either. There will even be a Tory anticampaign although not too hard, not because I think the Cameron is higher up the intelligence rankings than cheese (I don't) but simply because you're not going to win anyway.

All bets are off, the gloves are off, no compromise and no bargains. Don't expect me to trouble myself with facts or honesty in this, because none of you have in your campaign against me. You can bleat 'unfair', which coincidentally rhymes with 'don't care', all you want. I'm doing this your way. The modern politics way. I'm not listening to any objections.

Why the rage? Look at the comments on the story of smokers forced to clock out to smoke. Look at the Righteousness of them. Smokers take all this time to go out to the smoking area and they should be penalised. For what? For complying with the law? A law that is the delight of the same antismokers who constantly whine about us complying with it?

There was a time when I could take paperwork to the coffee room and smoke while working. Hell, there was a time I could smoke in my office. Now? Even in my one-man lab, I have to go outside. I can't even take work with me. Nobody is affected in my case but when I was in the land of Nine to Five, I had to find time between work to go out for a smoke. And yes, I heard all the 'you smokers take too much time and should be paid less' long before the Nazi ban actually happened. I heard this from those who spent at least half an hour, morning and afternoon, in a coffee room I never used. I took less time off than they did yet I was the one taking too much time.

Look, those of you who gurn and whinge about smokers going outside to smoke - it's you that decided they have to do that. They are not doing this to you. You are doing it to them. You can't see that, can you?

Now it's fine for vacuous bints whose brains have long since been lost in their cleavages to sit on national TV and proclaim that smokers should be lined up against a wall and shot. And all you antismokers nod in agreement while polishing your jackboots and shining up your skull badges.

Still you can't see it, can you?

You antismokers are not 'like Nazis'. You ARE Nazis. You are doing to smokers exactly what your great hero of the past encouraged you to do to Jews and travellers and Jehovah's Witnesses and the disabled and smokers and more. Just add up the groups you are now encouraged to despise. How many camps and gas chambers will you need this time? How many of you look forward to standing up when it's all over and trying the 'I was only obeying orders' defence?

Clegg has had multiple chances to prove that he gives a runny shit about what people think, and each time he has proved he does not care at all. He has your votes now, he doesn't need you any more.

The same is true for each and every one of them. I no longer care who voted for or against the smoking ban. If you're in a party that supports it you are a legitimate target, no matter where you stand. You have chosen your side and it's not mine.

Tobacco companies are now advertising jobs in New Scientist again because they despise their customers too and have gone over to the Righteous. Well, I once got used to Yugoslavian tobacco and I can do it again. I'll let Man with a Van know I'm interested in anything that doesn't come from Western companies. And I'll be planting my own in the spring.

So when the posters get wilder and the claims get more bizarre, remember who wrote the rules of this game. It wasn't me.

I will, however, play by those rules.