Allah, bejabers.

We are to brace ourselves for a wave of bearded Irish men in bedsheets shouting 'Allah, bejabers' while blowing themselves and everyone around them into a smooth paste with which to paint the town red.

Okay, it makes no sense but then neither does the real story.

Look, the Irish Rumblers Association are Catholic, the Islamic Retard Alliance are, well, Islamic. They have absolutely opposing views. They hate each other even more than they hate the rest of us.

So assign them a field, ring a bell and set them going. Whoever is left will have earned the right to place one bomb in a location of their choosing (choose Westminster, go on, you know you want to. And make it a big one).

What the hell is this crap anyway? There is no point in the IRA bombing the UK because we don't control Norn Iron any more. The EU does. Just as it has total control of Eire. And the UK. What are these clowns thinking? It's as if Tibet decided to firebomb Kenya to free itself from the Chinese. If the IRA want Irish independence, it's far too late, lads. You signed that away in Referendum 2: The EU Strikes Back. Didn't you read the script? You are part of the EU Superstate now and you won't get out by attacking the subjugated state next door. Your enemy is a long way off and yet you're going to bomb the enemy of your enemy because they are closer. You lazy bastards.

The Cleggeron Coagulation are playing the role of being in control but they are barely able to wipe their own backsides without orders signed in triplicate, ratifed by Herman Remploy-van, subjected to EU scrutiny at the next available parliamentary sleepover, sprayed with Kinnockian spittle, assessed by at least fifty risk management diversity outreach smoking cessation health and safety executives, translated into every known language including Klingon, and then sent back with a query on exactly how many sheets they plan to use, what colour it is, whether it's two or three-ply, which newspaper they were reading at the time and whether the use of a flush will compromise the water-saving efforts of the Climatologists. No wonder they always have that look on their faces. They have backsides more claggy than a dairy cow that's less than a week from retirement and suffers from explosive diarrhoea.

And you Irish Nationalists (as if you had a nation any more) think this government will bow to your demands? They can't. They don't have the authority. You will kill people for no reason at all and then the EU will use your actions as an excuse to impose martial law on Ireland.

There is no Ireland any more. There is only an EU region, controlled by the EU and soon to be policed by the EU. The IRA's threat to bomb another EU region is all they need to persuade the rest of the EU that it's necessary. Suckers.

As for the Islamists, do you really imagine the EU will let you have Sharia law? They'll let you have a bit for now because they want you to enrage the population around you. They want you to set out a ridiculous set of laws so that the EU laws won't seem so bad by comparison. Then, when your purpose has been served, they will crush you. No? Ask the Romany in France - or not, any more. Imagine yourselves to be great warriors? A wonderful warlike band of brothers? You have no idea what you are up against.

You are not up against the people you see on the street. Almost all of them don't give a hoot what religion anyone else follows. 'Islamophobia' is a constructed nonsense designed only to infuriate those accused of it. Those people don't care which god you worship as long as you don't force them to join up. They are happy to let you live your life as you choose. All they ask in return is that you leave them alone.

But you Islamists have not done that. You, with prompting and encouragement from people whose faces you have never seen, and who are not Muslim, have moved further and further into extremism. You state in public that you want your culture in the UK and when the people of the UK say 'No thanks' who puts them down? You? No.

Those who shepherd you. Those who farm you. Those who are setting you up as scapegoats put them down for you. Why? To encourage you to greater heights of absurdity. To let you enrage those people in the street, the same ones who have accepted Islam in their midst for centuries because the followers of Islam left the rest of us alone. Now? Well, now you are making unreasonable demands and it's not us who will suffer. Suckers.

There will never be Sharia law here. There will be EU law and we will accept it, indeed we will beg for it as the threat of Sharia is hyped to the point of hysteria. Turkey will join, there will be a flood of Muslim migrants and there will be increased calls for the whole of the EU to be Muslim. It won't happen.

The EU will play the kindly uncle and ask us if we want to be protected from the threat of Sharia by setting in place a raft of specific and very restrictive laws. We will say - no - we will scream 'Yes!'

Muslims, like the now-no-longer-required travellers, will find their preferential treatment abruptly withdrawn. They will eventually be deported to Turkey and the borders closed. That's what Turkey's admission to the EU is for.

Ireland will be under martial law because of the IRA and the UK will be under martial law because of the threat of the IRA. France will use the travellers as an excuse for really tight border controls and martial law. Caravan Club members might find life a little difficult in the future. Belgium will fragment because it's no longer needed, the Flemish and Wallonia parts are convenient EU regions anyway. They don't like each other much but martial law will sort that out. France, like every other country, will eventually find it has no borders any more because while EU regions are within national boundaries now, that will change and the lines between former countries will be blurred. So going back will become impossible because no country will be able to claim borders.

The terrorists are behaving as predicted and according to the agenda. The EU response is already prepared. Not one terrorist group threatens Brussels, have you noticed? Yet security there is tighter than a very tight thing wrapped tightly in Tension McTight's tightest ball of self-tightening tight string. Why? They know that eventually, one or more of those terrorist groups is going to notice who is really running the show. It might take a while but it's likely to happen at some point.

In the meantime, all the terrorists are doing exactly what Brussels want them to do.

Suckers.