Friday, 26 August 2011


I'm supposed to be working but some nights you just can't get into it.

Anyhoo. In the modern world of witchdoctor-science you can get funding for anything that matches The Agenda even if your results have more hard centres than my plum tree.

Yes, my plums are vast and full of juices. Look on my plums, ye wenches, and despair, for I am Ozyplumdias, King of Plums, and possibly slightly pissed.

Even the study of women who are unsatisfied with their USB port and wish it converted to USB 2 draws funding as long as it blames something the Puritans want banned. Look, wenches, I have never met one of you where I have had cause to complain about your loading bay. I have met a few who have complained about what I'm loading. Hey, I'm just the delivery boy. Complain to the manufacturer.

What is this female genital mutilation all about? I thought women weren't keen on it and here they are demanding it on the NHS. What are they having done? Shaving it into Groucho Marx eyebrows? Try not to picture that with a cigar. Oops, too late. Having it made less wrinkly than Gordon Brown's face? Ladies, that face has been called the same name as your lower bits for so long that most of us men expect to see him there. We look forward to hearing someone else getting the blame.

If porn was the cause of genital surgery, every man on the planet would be looking to have the end threaded so he could attach an extension. Those films might look raunchy to females but to men they look like fireman training films. We normal blokes can't compete. If those things were real, when they filled with blood the man would pass out.

Look, wenches, if you want to attract someone with that kind of equipment, forget surgery and learn to speak horse. There are very few of those freaks out there and they all work in porn films. With women who also work for Defence as aircraft carrier dry docks.

This fanny-fiddling does not trouble me in terms of 'cost to the NHS' because the drones already believe I've bankrupted it anyway, even though the NHS don't know who I am. It troubles me because it's silly and not in a funny way. Elective surgery is not something to be taken lightly and fiddling with your reproductive bits can leave you childless or worse. Worse? Yes, someone gave birth to Jonathan Ross, remember. Do you want to be that woman? Well, do you? Fiddle with your bits and the next one might be you. And you thought the hairy palms tale was scary.

Circumcision is, to me, ridiculous. It's like God says "I made you perfect except for that bit. That's a bit of moulding flash, just trim it off. Then you're right. You'll understand when Airfix is on the go, that's my message to you. Trim the flash and it's just right. You'll see."

So Airfix was a message from God. Deny it if you can.

Female chopping of the bits is far worse. Even if there's a whole wizard's sleeve thing going on, there is no benefit in slicing and dicing those components. We can say what we like about porn stars but real life is not like that. Not for me anyway. Not for most people, I hope, because that would make me the only one not getting wild sex with every passing stranger (if that's true, don't tell me).

I have to wonder what a 'designer vagina' is, though. can you get the 'Cherie' that looks like a post box or maybe the 'Jean-Paul Gautier' that is indistiguishable from your arse? The Vivienne Westwood... no, I am nowhere near drunk enough to envisage that.

Women, realise this. We men are simple creatures. We don't care if you dye it purple and give it a Joker smile. We don't care if you make it look like Kate Bush or Alfred Hitchcock. We don't care too much if it's a fairly randy goat or a bag of sand with a hole in it so worrying about what your lower receptacle looks like is futile. No man cares unless he's gay and then the only thing you'll get is a critique.

You women who worry about whether you should get it strimmed to bowling-green standard or leave it as three acres of brambles. You women who want the wizard's sleeve retailored into a Mod cuff, know this.

Men don't actually know the difference and don't care to. Really, we don't. If you are hurting during an intimate encounter because of some surgery you didn't need, most of us will notice and it will result in a visit from the Floppy Fairy. Neither of us want that.

Do. Not. Cut. Yourselves.

There is really no need. We left that tribal fanny-chopping behind a very long time ago, and neither gender wants it to come back.

Especially not on the NHS.


Slamlander said...


This is one of the most humerous bits that I have read in years!

Definitely funnier than the Federal Register.

Twenty_Rothmans said...

If you are hurting during an intimate encounter because of some surgery you didn't need, most of us will notice and it will result in a visit from the Floppy Fairy.

Hmmm... must use a tad more Rohypnol next time....

I don't think that labioplasty is that widespread. Most chaps are perfectly happy with a kebab after a night out.

JuliaM said...

It's worse than that - the NHS staff - those medical professionals, remember - apparently need help in fending off this insatiable demand...

Twenty_Rothmans said...

30 in three years. They must have done more sex changes in that time.

Also, I wonder if it's the fathers of the young girls encouraging them to get 'tidied up'?

>'It's shocking, particularly because we are seeing girls who are really young,' Dr Creighton told the BBC.

Pics or it didn't happen, panic merchant.

nisakiman said...


In my lifetime I've encountered a plethora of permutations in this area, but I've yet to come across one (in a manner of speaking) that didn't work admirably. Variety is, as they say, the spice of life.

NickM said...

Bloody hell Leggy, you are on fire!

That was brilliantly written.

Except I have to partially disagree. The "designer vaginas" thing is a bit of a myth. The first point here is "vaginas". The surgery you refer to is vulval. And too much meat in that area does get in the way. The true "designer vagina" is re-tightening post child-birth which I think is fair enough. My understanding is the cunny can take a right bashing from that. So it isn't essentially cosmetic.

As to porn... Look at any porn accumulator site. They celebrate the difference. There are ladies on them who make good money just because they have inner labia way beyond the fold.

I have no personal experience of this. I don't think I'd like it but obviously if you have got down there already then only a cad and a bounder would be put off.

You want my tuppence? This is all about shaving. Various sorts see this as an extension of it. Shaving is a massive cultural thing. It covers everything from a spurious link to child porn to the "perfection myth". The simple truth is this (for me anyway) I have never made my mind up on smooth or hairy aesthetically. I'm 37 so I guess I never will. Smooth is more lickable though. A totally practical issue.

Budvar said...

"I wonder if it's the fathers of the young girls encouraging them to get 'tidied up'?".

I think you might be onto something here. The old "Virgo intacta" thing for the arranged marriage.

To be honest though most men (me included) couldn't tell a virginal one from one that has seen so much action they have a gash like an axe wound.

MCKTriggs said...

I know I don't comment here much LI, but thought you'd appreciate this news item from across the pond:

JuliaM said...

"And too much meat in that area does get in the way. "

Only time you'll ever hear a chap complaining about the amount of meat... ;)

Edgy said...

Tell them to stop watching "you porn" vids and get them to look at "guess her muff" to see naturally diverse lower bits, the comments tell you each to their own

Captain Haddock said...

"Yes, my plums are vast and full of juices" ...

Fer chrissakes .. don't let Mangledbum hear you say that LI ..

He'll be round to your place faster than greased weasel shit .. ;)

The Travelling Toper said...

'The gynos measured length and width which was then compared to an average vagina !!!'
I always thought there were only two sizes, big uns and whoppers!

BK881 said...

"women requested it as they felt pressured to have 'perfect' sexual organs by pictures seen in the media."

So "the media" is officially porn then. Thought as much.

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