Monday, 29 August 2011

Being a proper villain.

This evening, I feasted on lamb, with baby carrots and new potatoes. Yes, it was a meal composed entirely of child-flesh. Lovely. Continuing the evil bastard theme, my breath now smells of whisky and my fingers reek of tobacco. Those leaves are sticky and the smell persists after repeated washing. It's great. In fact, if Lady Gaga happens by, a dress made of dried tobacco leaves would look absolutely stunning, and you can rip a bit off and smoke it if you run out of cigarettes.

All I need now is an underground lair and Don Shenker tied to a table with a big laser heading for his knackers. Unlike that incompetent oaf Goldfinger, I intend to stay there to make sure the job's done. None of this secret cutty watch thing rubbish, no casually turning away for a chat.

I'm going to need more than one table too. And probably some help with the electricity bill. Those knacker-cauterising lasers are worse than tumble driers, you know. Then again, if I had Scaramanga's solar array I could power it for free. That Bond bloke is lucky his enemies never properly teamed up.

Well, that's all far in the future and depends on me winning the lottery. My chances would be improved if I actually bought a ticket, but not by very much.

In the meantime, I will have to settle for being the Man with the Yellowed Finger or maybe Blosmoke, with a rather off-white cat, and just dream about those imaginative ways of exacting terrible revenge on those Nazi-inspired denormalisers. Oh, you can shout 'Godwin' all you want, antismokers. Just have a read of this while you do. Then maybe you can revert to shouting 'Heil' as your kind did in times past, and will again. It's all you can aspire to because you're no damn use for anything other than being someone's drone.

I don't compare smokers to the Jews. If you are born Jewish then you are Jewish and they'll come for you again one day. Smokers are more like the Jehovah's Winesses who also died in those camps. We could stop smoking and conform to the demands of the smug controllers, just as that option was available to the JW's. Like them, I will not conform. You're going to have to gas me, smokophobes, and don't think I'm going to be all meek about it. There will be blood and not all of it mine.

Pat Nurse is on top form lately. In another post she describes how the NHS will refuse to treat us unless we agree to assimilation into the collective. Oh, and if you're an overweight smokophobe, don't smile until you've read it.

So be it. Once that is in place, the scene is set for a class action charging the NHS with extortion. We all have to pay National Insurance and that's supposed to pay for the NHS (I know it doesn't really, but many people still believe that crap). So we are forced, with threats, to pay for a service that does not exist for us.

We won't win. That's for sure. We won't win because the defence will make clear that National Insurance is not earmarked for the NHS but is in fact an extra income tax for the government to spend on anything they like. It's the only defence available. The effect of that in the national news could be interesting, don't you think? Ozzy the Chancer once mentioned putting NI in with income tax, because that's what it is, but that went quiet very quickly. Someone doesn't want it becoming too clear.

What is perhaps even more interesting is Pat's link to an Australian smokophobe site. It's full of the usual petulance and smug whining and all the crap these idiots actually believe but it has its amusing side too.

Smoky-drinky is free. Bring some booze, bring your own smokes, but there is no membership fee and no entry charge. Being an antismoker means you have to pay to hate. Oh yes, smokophobes, it costs you money to hate me. It costs me nothing to hate you. It's a testament to the dedication of the haters that the page still has '2009' at the top. What does it cost you to hate me today?

The smokophobes pay to be told lies, they pay to be scared, they pay to be pompous self-important arseholes and they pay to hate. Smokers just relax and blow smoke rings and you know what? Stress will kill you faster than smoke will kill me. It's not the second hand smoke that's killing you. It's worrying about it.

So go ahead, smokophobes, believe that carbon monoxide is cumulative because red blood cells are never replaced. Believe that there is enough poison in one whiff of smoke to instantly give you cancer when I've been smoking them for thirty years without incident. Believe it, worry about it, lose sleep over it, be terrified of it and if we ever meet I will be delighted to expand on the nonsense you have been taught. I love this game.

You an argue that it's not a game, that it's serious. No, it's a game. Smokophobes, you don't get it. You are not the players in this game. You are the pieces. The likes of ASH put crap in your heads and send you out. I, and those like me, put more crap in your heads and send you back. The game ends (for you) when one of us manages to induce your death.

Have I spoiled the game by telling you this? No, because you smokophobes won't believe it. You can't grasp it. All you believe is what suits your prejudice and this information cannot possibly have been planted by game players. Keep moving on that board, smokophobes. Your smugness and gullibility ensures we get to keep playing.

Even if the smokophobes all woke up to reality, the game continues with the salinophobes, alcophobes, obesophobes and many others. Usually it's mostly the same people so we don't even have to come looking for you.

Is it true? Are we using you haters as pawns in a sick and cruel game? Or am I just playing with your mind? That is the essence of the game I've just described so maybe it's real, maybe it's not.

For once, smokophobes, you have to decide.

Meanwhile, watch out for that candle. The best material for candle wicks was discovered by Trappist monks, centuries ago. It's a special kind of twine.

It's made from the stems of the tobacco plant.

Didn't you know? Everyone else knows.


westcoast2 said...

We won't win because the defence will make clear that National Insurance is not earmarked for the NHS

Some of the extra tax (exise duty) on cigs themselves is, I believe, ring-fenced (see budget speeches) for the NHS. So there is still a case.

Ed P said...

Worry them more - some wicks could be made from hemp fibres!
Perhaps candlewick bedspreads are toxic too?

Pat Nurse MA said...

It's simple to me - I've paid tax on my product for years and I haven't had any back yet for "smoking related" so I'm paid up in advance irrespective of whether they have stolen NI for other purposes - like funding MPs expenses perhaps?

Thanks for the link LI - btw - my guess as to why the smokerphobic site in Aus hasn't been updated is because they have won their hate campaign and have persuaded Govt that smokers are scum. The power of the state has now taken on their cause which they believe to be in good hands.

Smokers are treated worse in Aus than anywhere else in the world - except, perhaps Bhutan where they are criminalised and jailed. Aus is only a short step from that which will come asap after the plain packaging comes in.

Here it will be in five years time when they have us down to an even smaller minority with even less protection. That's already happened with jailed pub landlords, prosecuted litterers, and soon car bans which will make motoring offenders of smokers.

Then the home ban which will equate smokers who refuse to quit in their own homes with Ian Brady and Myra Hindley.

I think we should organise another protest - this time in Herts to remind these so called doctors of their duty to abide by the Hippocratic Oath.

Who wants to come and when?

James Higham said...

The post read even better through the haze of wine, LI.

Slamlander said...

I got one better than the candel wick gag. The wick is only a way to get fuel to the flame. The real fuel is the candlewax, which does leave waxy residue on walls, ceilings, etc.

Imagine what happens to it in your lungs. Those fumes get in there and coat all those fragile little lung sacks, with wax! If second-hand smoke is bad, redeposited candlewax is many times worse!

That's the gist, I'll bet that you could spiff that up into a real creeper ;) Let me know how it turns out.

Dick Puddlecote said...

"So go ahead, smokophobes, believe that carbon monoxide is cumulative because red blood cells are never replaced"

A bit of an own goal, this one. I remember being told this by a science teacher when I was around 16. It put me off giving up seeing as damage had already been done.

A toast to Mr Yeo, the inadvertent early 1980s creator of a 2008 blog. ;)

Leg-iron said...

Pat - I'm somewhat impecunious at the moment but hopefully that will change. The protests are spreading, there's bound to be one nearby soon.

James - it was written through a whisky haze. Perhaps it needs to be read through the same filter to make sense.

Leg-iron said...

Dick P - a science teacher? I should be surprised, but I once heard a biology professor state that haemoglobin bound oxygen so tightly that it could not simply diffuse across the gut wall. Which makes haemoglobin useless for its intended purpose.

What did that science teacher say bile was made of, and what did he think bone marrow did,I wonder?

Leg-iron said...

Ed P and Slamlander - oh, candles are the new anthrax...

Anonymous said...

Well I most certainly didn't know that :)

However, if you are looking for a use for tobacco stalks, do you know anyone with a pigeon loft?

Tobacco stalks

"Tobacco Stalks – What many fanciers consider to be the ideal nest material, enhancing the breeding results. Provides a soft natural bed for baby birds. Parasites stay away. A natural product that is easy to use. Also ideally suited as floor covering in baskets."

Trouble is, instinct being a wonderful thing, the birds seem to know that too.

The sparrow that turned a village shop into an ashtray after taking a lit cigarette to its nest

"When the village store went up in flames, owner Paul Sheriff was at a loss to explain how it had happened.

But eventually a little bird told him the truth.

Insurance investigators concluded that a sparrow must have picked up a smouldering cigarette butt and deposited it among the dry twigs of its nest under the eaves.

The resulting conflagration caused £250,000 of damage at Crescent Stores in Leasingham, near Sleaford, Lincolnshire

Initial investigations found no gas or electrical faults, but 35 cigarette ends were eventually found in various sparrows’ nests in the roof."

Commuters in a flap as rooks take up smoking

"Birds are picking up discarded cigarette butts at a railway station and using the smoke to fumigate their wings of parasites, experts said"
"The rooks have been seen swooping on to the platform and tracks at Exeter St David’s in Devon to collect fag ends.
Commuters have watched as the birds place their wings over the smoke – collecting the fumes underneath."

A useful service ruined by the smoking ban.


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