Monday, 20 June 2011

Through the looking glass.

The world is now a maelstrom of chaos. To a dysfunctional, unsociable borderline Voorhees like myself, this is better than the maddest fiction I've ever read, and I've read and enjoyed Mervyn Peake's Gormenghast trilogy twice. I am having the time of my life reading about the latest collapse of the Righteous and I am delighted to be around to see it happening.

Remember when the Forehead of Eternal Emptiness declared himself the Heir to Blair? Well, now Special Ed Moribund has declared himself a Thatcher fan. Seems they get off on role-swapping games in Wastemonster. I look forward to seeing Special Ed wave his handbag at the Cameroid and insist that 'this baby's not for burning' and 'there is no such thing as socialism'.

Soon, Nick the Griff will convert to Judaism, dreadlock his hair and start talking like a West Indian ganja dealer (Oy-and-oy vay, innit?), while Clegg the Boy Wonder will declare war on Brussels and demand ashtrays on every bench in the Commons. The Brown Gorgon will appear on 'Britain's Got Mugs Who Think They Aren't Just There To Be Laughed At' doing Julian Clary impressions and the Tiny Blur will use all his money to buy bricks for a Jewish dog's home, then have all his teeth removed and retire to live as a hermit in the woods, where he will suck live stoats to entertain tourists.

The Blur's wife will renounce the Human Rights Moneyspinning Act and settle for a job modelling for postboxes. With her as a model we wouldn't have to pay more for large letters. Greenpeace will convert the Rainbow Warrior (the new one, without the French-adapted doyley hull) to run on nuclear power and declare themselves veal-eaters to a man. Climate change scientists will admit that, actually, the climate has been changing all the time anyway and they've just been cashing in on nature, and finish with 'April fools!'

The way the world is now, none of that would surprise me in the least.

The cracks in the Great Plan have become fissures. Even the Cleggeron's love of Master EU is coming under fire. With apologies to Creedence Clearwater Revival -

I see a bald man cycling
I see trouble on the way

I'll work on that one, it has promise.

In the meantime, how can anyone not laugh? When someone takes over a pub and decides the best way to make his business profitable is to get rid of all the customers.

But I object to swearing, tattoos and dogs sitting on chairs. If I was going to take my mother to dinner there I would not wish her to be exposed to that sort of thing.

It's comedy gold. He doesn't want his mother exposed to a dog sitting on a chair?

Then the police arrest a fork-bending magician in a bar and the bar has this to say -

Fiona Williams, boss of the Apres bar in Lichfield, Staffs, said: “We have to protect our customers and knives and forks are a security issue. He was not organised as a magician, nor announced himself or his intentions.”

I once went to a fancy dress party with a fork stuck to my nose. What was I supposed to be? Fork nose. If I did it now I'd apparently be a security risk. Look at these people. Look at them. See them cower in the presence of cutlery. Watch their terror at a dog in a chair - "My God, that dog is sitting in a chair. It's trying to declare mastery over us. Quick, trounce it with political correctness. Oh no, wait, it has a spoon!"

Then there is the ever-reliable comedy king, Trevor Philips. I see a bald man whining - no, no, save it for later. Those terrible Christians have looked at the gay community and said 'Oooo, no, we don't like it', and that makes them evil, evil people. Far more evil than those Muslims who blow people up, who want to behead everyone, who burst forth in rage about mere cartoons, who declare that freedom is wrong, who want to cut the hands off thieves, who demand that raped women produce four male witnesses and if they can't they get stoned to death, and who want to... er... kill all the gays. That's all okay with Magical Trevor, as long as they don't wrinkle their noses and say 'Oooo, no, we don't like it.'

Isn't that kind of turnaround straight from the world of Mony Python? Think of their Hell's Grannies sketch. Many of those arrested these days are arrested for farcical reasons, while those who rape children are to be set free early so they're back out before their victims get too old to interest them. Tiny Blur changed the treason laws before committing treason. One can only speculate as to why Chubby Ken wants these particular laws changed.

We live in a farce. A continuous joke. The humourless comedians run the show now and they are sicker than anything Bernard Manning, Frankie Boyle or Jim Davidson ever even dreamed of. They don't even realise they are funny. They seriously believe they are in control, that it is not all just slipping through their fingers faster than a greased eel.

So we see Chancellor Ozzy pretending he's not going to rob every Tory voter, but with this government's record for doing the opposite of what they say, stop bothering with your pension right now. It's about to be stolen from you. Again.

We see Dai Cameroid, whose memory evidently does not extend as far back as the Fathers4Justice protests on the Wastemonster roof, declaring that all absent fathers must be despised. Special Ed Moribund is to do a Thatcher on the unions who put him in power while the Coagulation declares that innocent mistakes are a crime.

I'm not having to dig far for these links. They are all in the current papers. Yes, this is just the recent lunacy. There is new stuff every single day. Far more than anyone could catalogue. An accelerating vortex of insanity, a wild ride into the depths of chaos, a madness so complete we can only weep at its absolute perfection.

Fear of everything, hatred of everything, ban everything, wrap yourself in non-allergenic carbon-neutral unbleached cotton wool and never eat or drink anything ever again. Never leave the house, take your medication, cower and squeal and hand over money to State-appointed highwaymen when they call. Beware the lack of sunspots that will bring an ice age, and fear the simultaneous surge of sunspots that will fry your iPhone. Become vegetarian to save the planet but don't eat vegetables in case you get poisoned. Save the planet for the animals by killing all the animals. Doublethink has never been so perfectly implemented.

But never fear. The government will look after you. They know where you are.

It has reached the zenith. The absurdity is complete when you are told that you are the very danger you are trying to escape. Yes, you. The final target for your unmitigated bile is not smokers, fat people, drinkers... it's you. Hate yourself, fear yourself, and finally demand a ban on yourself. For the cheeldren.

There's no point getting depressed about it. Just sit back and watch the world burn. Toast your marshmallows and light your cigarettes and laugh.

It's happened before. Civilisation has collapsed many times. From the embers, we just start all over again. Perhaps next time it'll be different.

But I doubt it.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed that very much and now I don't feel like going to work.

I want to kill myself, but ideally it would be along with quite a few righteous. Alfalfa farming, perhaps.

Anonymous said...

Another excellent post, as always.

Speaking of vegentarianism going to save the world, I strolled past a vegen business yesterday where outside they had free books and DVDs that explained vegenism in terms of religion, quoting from a vegan guru and saying it will save the world from a litany of horrors.

I was laughing and must have mouthed "how f**king sick" to myself, when I glanced up to notice a scowling face from inside staring back at me, obviously not amused by my reaction. They were probably hoping for another convert but were sad to see they didn't get one.

Funny article today, enjoyed it much !

vervet said...

An excellent round-up LI. Presumably the lack of any reference to desperate Deborah is proof that she is now completely beyond parody.

Trooper Thompson said...

A Gormenghast fan, eh? Have you read 'Boy in Darkness', a strange tangental tale involving the boy Titus? Or 'Mr Pye'?

Anonymous said...

The fuckstains took over my University's catering facilities. The bar, which tolerated the discreet use of cannabis, was turned into a non-smoking venue, and the greasy spoon downstairs was coverted into a vegetarian fast food joint. The Chinese restaurant was closed.

They all went broke, destroying the finances of the student union, which had profited nicely before the changes.

The scum who perpetrated this outrage were never held to account, never had to pay, were never castigated. They just walked away, like a dog that's done a satisfying shit.

The hilarious bit is that these left-wingers now demand that we are all 'accountable' - for pollution, waste - even our identities so that they can compile their tractor production statistics.

I hold these people accountable, and when I am Emperor, they'll pay for their crimes. For some, the end will be quick and surprising. Others will not be so lucky, spending what would have considered to be a long lifetime 500 years ago praying for death.

I can but dream :-)

Henry Crun said...

LI, I used to think that the writings of Robert Rankin were the work of a man as mad as a box of frogs. I was wrong, even Rankin's mind couldn't conjure a world as bizarre as the one in which w currently find ourselves.

petem130 said...

If only it wasn't so serious. Excellent post. Based on truths, reality and actuals.

Why are so many artists, writers, musicians etc. lefties? Okay maybe not them all but the vast majority of them. Why do they have to preach on politics? Because you are and artist, writer or a musician doesn't make you a fonty of all knowledge and wise beyond your years?

Surely there must be a bit of the planet which is free of this absolute crap we have to put up with? Where is it? How much to get there? When does the next plane leave?

Has tolerance been rubbed out of the dictionery or scribbled out in crayon?

Still, there's some fun left. Obama not getting a second term. Dave and Nick being recignised as the worst leaders since the last one and the one before that. The Guardian going bust. The climate getting very cold and the increasingly ludicrous stories being put out by the warmists of why it really still is warming and the colds caused by the warm anyway.

Stop the world I wnat to get off. I know I'll head for Hogwarts. Much more of a real environment there than here.

Frank Davis said...

Isn't Marco Pierre White a smoker?

But then, he's also a chef. And they're all little hitlers these days.

Perhaps that might explain it.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful Leggy!

That wide panorama of howling insanity you just painted has brightened my day.


Rose

Dick Puddlecote said...

Superb stuff, LI. Plenty of trut in it to, especially this.

"They don't even realise they are funny. They seriously believe they are in control"

Politicians arrogantly smarm around massaging their and their colleagues' egos, while the whole country falls to bits under their watch. And each election they ask for our vote on the promise that they will 'change' things for the better. Well, every time we elect them, they just fuck things up some more.

You'd think they may have learned their lesson by now. Wouldn't you?

northern smoker said...

now they're going to make us filthy carnivores literally eat our own shit.

http://inhabitat.com/poop-burger-japanese-researcher-creates-artificial-meat-from-human-feces/

the link says it all.

Anonymous said...

There's no point getting depressed about it. Just sit back and watch the world burn.

That's the best bit of advice Ive heard for years now.

hangemall said...

No matter what Saint Tone of Mammon did to the laws of treason and sedition, I strongly suspect that they are still offences in Common Law. So no escape there. Hopefully.

Perhaps Captain Ranty, who I believe lurks these pages, could comfirm this. Or someone else with knowledge of Common Law/the Constitution?

Anonymous said...

"An accelerating vortex of insanity, a wild ride into the depths of chaos, a madness so complete we can only weep at its absolute perfection."

I may have to have that framed.


Rose

Anonymous said...

Regarding the Changes to the treason laws, Old Tone only changed the Statute, the Treaty remains unchanged.

They control the courts though, you won't win by using their rules.

Frank Davis said...

Can't think where to put this, but it's insane:

Eight million gallons of water drained from reservoir after man urinates in it

The urine must be mixed in homeopathic proportions. But I'm sure there's no safe level of passive pee.

spark up said...

dear mr leg-iron,

as local area convenor for the national association of firestokers and shitstirrers it has come to my attention, following complaints from a number of my members, that there has been an outbreak of comment-disappearing-and-then-later-inexplicably-reappearing-syndrome on google blogger blogs. we have received reports of this virus occurring on captain ranty, underdogs bite upwards, and even on my own blog spark up!. in my own case, the deletion was completely unauthorized and was clearly effected by a hacker of some nature - indeed, the victim, micky molewarp, recently attempted to re-enter the afflicted comment after a time-span of several months, yet the comment was again summarily deleted by the stealth of an unseen, obsessive, and presumably ever watchful hand...yes, i appreciate that 'hands' cannot, strictly-speaking, be 'watchful', but that is neither here nor there. so, to return to the matter in hand...would you, in order to assist with our union's investigations, be in a position to divulge whether your own abducted comments were the result of:

a) an underdogs bite upwards editor with unresolved identity issues?

b) national government intelligence agency activity?

c) anonymous hackers?

d) national government? intelligence agencies using the services of anonymous hackers?

or

e) any corrupt combination of the above?


ps: although, no particular fan of the organ of liberal censorship otherwise known as the guardian, i have to hand it to their measly old moderators for publishing micky molewarp's exposé, in full, in a post under my comment is free account (now sadly suspended, indefinitely).

spark up said...

dear mr leg-iron,

as local area convenor for the national association of firestokers and shitstirrers it has come to my attention, following complaints from a number of my members, that there has been an outbreak of comment-disappearing-and-then-later-inexplicably-reappearing-syndrome on google blogger blogs. we have received reports of this virus occurring on captain ranty, underdogs bite upwards, and even on my own blog spark up!. in my own case, the deletion was completely unauthorized and was clearly effected by a hacker of some nature - indeed, the victim, micky molewarp, recently attempted to re-enter the afflicted comment after a time-span of several months, yet the comment was again summarily deleted by the stealth of an unseen, obsessive, and presumably ever watchful hand...yes, i appreciate that 'hands' cannot, strictly-speaking, be 'watchful', but that is neither here nor there. so, to return to the matter in hand...would you, in order to assist with our union's investigations, be in a position to divulge whether your own abducted comments were the result of:

a) an underdogs bite upwards editor with unresolved identity issues?

b) national government intelligence agency activity?

c) anonymous hackers?

d) national government? intelligence agencies using the services of anonymous hackers?

or

e) any corrupt combination of the above?


ps: although, no particular fan of the organ of liberal censorship otherwise known as the guardian, i have to hand it to their measly old moderators for publishing micky molewarp's exposé, in full, in a post under my comment is free account (now sadly suspended, indefinitely).

wild wordy wordpecker said...

13:08

a bit prosy for my tastes...what the fuck does it mean anyway?

George Speller said...

You're right, wild wordy wordpecker.
What does it all mean?
Loki is out and about. Gotterdammerung. That's wghat it means.

anthropological borderline twat said...

just like to say that i'm most heartened to hear that cheryl and ashley cole are getting it together again...they're a pair of twats, but very successful twats, who are well suited to one another, and i feel for them on a personal level. it's not easy when one half of the couple is considered 'geordie' and the other 'cockney' - coz there are political elements out there, on both sides of the hypothetical regional divide, who are determined, for their own selfish power-hungry reasons to stop the cheryls and ashleys of this world bonking each others brains out and generally achieving communication against the odds, and despite the obvious cultural and linguistic barriers associated with trans-tynesidial relationships which can impede progress. if only the gang-leaders of each ethnic group weren't so ideologically obsessed with painting-up the fuck-proof fence according to their own contrived community colour-codes, the concept of 'mixed' relationships would never have been introduced to our innocent indigenous british tribesmen and -women. thank you.

dai scarrot (greengrocer) said...

13:08

i may have to puke into the infinite bog-pan of bespoken bullshit

c-mail said...

i do cheap rate for french-letters - just poke them in my pigeon-hole and i'll dx 'em for you darling.

red edit (miliblunt tendency) said...

come-on now guys, i'm having trouble keeping this dissolute rabble together - one flank of the party fancies re-colonizing the whole of asia and africa, whilst the other wing wants to detonate all our oil-refineries, destroy our infrastructure, torch our countryside, and pedal-off into the bright red sunset of a neolithic cultural revolution. shit knows what i'm going to do - we might have to draft in clegg and his boys to mediate.

fig society said...

waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! big daddy abandoned me

miss nhs deforms (lady with the hump) said...

prig daddy abandoned me too, the promisory scrote - said he'd arrange for private medical care, but he never delivered.

Junican said...

Right....Erm....miss nhs etc.........Erm.......OK.

old trout-farmer - driven to the brink said...

i'll swop his missus for mine anyday - i reckon he'd last about half-an-evening of brute-force internment and ear-battery before hitting the bottle and then the road, in that order.

Leg-iron said...

Vervet - the Dreadful Arnott is busy worrying about her funding. Other countries are already cutting back on smoker-bashing.

Trooper Thompson - no, I haven't. I'll add them to my list.

Anon 09:37 - last time I ate in a university cantenn (the very last time) I had a pie. It wasn't advertised as containing broccoli.

So it was a bit of a shock when I cut it open and the contents were green.

Leg-iron said...

Northern smoker - I once co-authored a SF novel using that premise on a deep-space ship where a hidden elite ran things and the rest were proles descended from the original crew.

Must get in touch with that co-author and resurrect that story. It was finished, just needed editing.

Leg-iron said...

Frank - that was incredible. Do they have lakeside facilities for the ducks, and have they instructed the wildlife not to drop their loads near the water?

Oh never mind. They probably have.

Leg-iron said...

Spark up - the Blogger Spaminator caught your comment five times.

Are the government watching me? It doesn't matter. They have long since lost the ability to listen to anything anyone says.

Leg-iron said...

Wild Wordy Woodpecker - don't worry about it. It's just words, and words can't hurt anyone.

Relax, have a cup of tea, and bask in the gentle sound of me not caring.

upparsk (incognito) said...

04:26

pshh. thanks for the acknowledgement - i'll take that as a "yes" to unaccountable undercover government agency operations, then? got to go - in case they catch me again. pshh. mum's the word.

old ma cleanspeak said...

02:19

mind the language, miss. although, in the circumstances of the conceptual clap-trapeze artist scooting-off and leaving you with an untreated bump...i can quite understand your exacerbated feelings towards the little shite-rag.

02:34

...and you can piss-off too, staynes.

k uppars said...

17:07

...and to the person who sneaked-in and gained illegal access to my bedsit the other day - thanks for oiling the lock, it works a treat now.

'arfer fawkes (second-hand gag dealer) said...

so what exactly is cameron driving at? we should refrain from being over the limit when getting on top of 'er indoors?

mr a mallethead (pentagon approved landlord, mallethead mansions, london wc1a) said...

of course, innocent mistakes are not a crime - for example, i innocently asked hackney council to pay me £20 more housing benefits than my tenant had actually claimed for...and hackney housing benefits office innocently complied with my request and coughed-up without asking any questions...and even if this all turns out to be totally illegal...we're all covered coz we're all legally illiterate and are gonna claim mentally diminished responsublimities, see?

bugsy o'bama said...

10:07

Obama not getting a second term.

hmmm...you're making the fatal mistake of assuming that any of my opponents (or their families) are going to survive past the primaries - and i literally mean survive...remember what happened to that guy who stood up to me in pakistan, and those others in afghanistan, and that close advisor to gaddafi, in libya, just the other night...we simply take out the target, and his family, in one recession-busting fell-swoop, it's the american way, and the democratic one. yes we can. well you can if you're me, anyhow.

al pussdredger (ed squeezer) said...

dear spark up,

to be completely precise, your account is not actually suspended, but has restricted privileges - which, translated from guardianese, roughly means: "fuck off and don't come back you cunt".

hope this is of help.

yours

al

jocelyn jack esien said...

10:07

petem130, a true creative artist does not have the slightest interest in the fuckwitteries of party politics and even to be partly political is tantamount to having one's artistic integrity contaminated - consequently musicians, painters, poets, bodice-ripping novellists etc have not the slightest bloody clue whether they are 'left' or 'right' and frankly don't give a toss either...however, they often pass themselves off as lefties in order to sound trendy and to lay their inalienable claim to free nookie. intellectual writers are a different kettle of cunts altogether, and not strictly-speaking artistes at all, but a bunch of boring old bone-headed bastards - and satirists are neither fish nor fowl. comprendez?

by the way, is the guardian going bust morally, financially or both...?

19:44

yes, al, being classified as having the type of 'pre-moderated' comment is free account to which you refer essentially means that anything one submits is immediately binned. i believe that my account is completely closed down - but frankly i can't be bothered to go back and find out. up yours mate.

dave "quick-draw" cameron said...

09:37

The fuckstains took over my University's catering facilities. The bar, which tolerated the discreet use of cannabis, was turned into a non-smoking venue, and the greasy spoon downstairs was coverted into a vegetarian fast food joint. The Chinese restaurant was closed.

what you describe is fucking holocaust of tarditional british values. more grease to your elbow emp.

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