Land of Hopeless Tories.

Damian Green says he'll keep immigration under control.

Aww, bless, he actually thinks he has some say in this. Damey, I'm afraid you'd be better off trying stop a 700-ton runaway train with the wrong kind of leaves. The UKBA are only interested in stealing booze and fags and the EU dictate immigration policy. Hint: There isn't one. Your job is to act as receptionist for whoever the EU sends our way. Didn't you know? Ask your boss, he knows.

'Outside-EU immigration?' Ha! When those Libyans landed in Italy, what happened? the Italians gave them passports. As EU citizens, they were then legally entitled to move to France, where they wanted to be. Anyone appearing in any EU country will get citizenship because they'll say they want to move to another EU country, and the EU doesn't let any country send them back. Wait until Croatia and Turkey get into the game. The only people you'll be able to keep out of the UK will be the English.

Damey, you can have absolutely no control over immigration until a) we are out of the EU and b) the UKBA stops spending all its time mugging shoppers. Until then, you are pissing into the wind, dear boy.

So we are going to be more selective who we let in, eh, Damey?

So how's that working out for you then, eh?

Face it, Damey. You are in a non-job. You are as much use as a five-a-day coordinator, a smoking cessation officer or a diversity outreach consultant. You have been given a job which simply cannot be done and as your boss will tell you if he ever works up the courage, a job which the EU will never allow to be done.

You are useless. Accept that, shut up and claim your expenses.

Oh, and if you like playing with numbers, Constantly Furious has a very interesting statistic for you to look at.

So how many more are you paying to come here, Damey? And when is the Tory party going to admit it's actually just another subsidiary of Blair Inc.?

Most of all, when is our cretinous population going to see you all for what you really are?