Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Scaremongering can be fun.

Hello, antismokers, it's playtime again.

While you sip your half-litre cappuccinos, remember that caffeine is a psychoactive drug and you are addicted. Because you are a helpless addict, you must be controlled for your own good, because just five cups a day will make the voices in your heads louder.

It's more effective than LSD and twice as addictive. Stock up on espresso now, and plant your own beans. The anticoffee days are dawning. You need your coffee, you helpless addicts, even if you know it will make you fit only for a rubber room. I hope you have medical insurance because we smokers aren't going to pay for your containment from our taxes.

Five cups eh? I really have to give that a try.

Oh, and while you fear the terrible cancer-causing meat, the bloating of the burgers, the artery-clogging of the chips and the trouser-soiling wrath of the beansprout, there is one thing left you can eat.

Tuck in. You know it's good for you.

You don't have to worry about cucumbers. Apparently they're on their way back to their home planet. The rest of your food will kill you before they return with their radish reinforcements and the courgette cavalry.

Will they fall for it? Well, I have spent a couple of hours this evening reading the comments on this article (found through Jredheadgirl) and yes, they will believe it. Look at their sincerely held beliefs in those comments. These are people who will believe absolutely anything and to hell with any logic or evidence.

Frank Davies and the now-retired-from-blogging Pat Nurse suggest direct action. Break the law so often it becomes unenforceable. Seems to be working with those super-injunctions, in fact as the Brian Rix of the football world has discovered, getting the injunction has only made his life into a tabloid-reported bedroom farce. Sympathy? Sorry, ran right out of that, one smoking ban ago.

I can see how making the law unenforceable would work, but I prefer a different path. A much more cruel and evil path, and one that is amusingly fully within the law. Look through a few of those frustrated gas-chamber-operator comments and see what they truly believe.

That's right. They genuinely believe that my smoking will kill them.

They genuinely believe that second hand smoke is more dangerous than active smoking. They are ripe for third, fourth, fifth and more hands of smoke and every one more deadly than the last. Homeopathic smoke will kill them instantly.

So I'm going to convince them it's true. Not from here, but face to face in the real world, one by one. I'll put the fear of smoke into them until they are calling for the cattle trucks and the gas chambers. Except they can't burn us because that will release all the smoke in us. They can't bury us because that will contaminate the land. They can't shoot or stab us because the smoke is released with the blood. They have built us into monsters and I will be what they want.

Blood transfusion? Are you sure it didn't come from a smoker? Really, really sure? You're certain it wasn't me, lying to the nurse in the donation clinic? Organ donation? Where did that come from? Only smokers die, remember. The nicotine in those things will make you wake up addicted, you know. Then your bits will all go lumpy and your teeth will fall out.

Best avoid vitamin B3, antismokers. Look it up. Look at the name. There is no such thing as vitamin B3, it is a nicotine derivative sold as a vitamin by Big Tobacco to get you hooked. Stay well away from it and from anything containing it. Eradicate it from your diet, along with the other fake vitamins I'll tell you about when we meet.

You'll meet me one day, antismokers. On the bus or on the train, in the departure lounge, on the street. I'll find you. Even in places where smoking is banned, the Electrosmokers will make you clear because you won't be able to help fake-coughing and hand-waving at the steam, and possibly even shouting them down. I won't be Electrosmoking.

I'll appear sympathetic and agree with you, then share my 'knowledge' of what you have actually just inhaled and how long it will take to kill you. I will be earnest and serious and advise you on what to do to avoid an agonising and lingering death. And you will do it, and it will make no difference. Your conditioned fear runs too deep for the rituals I will suggest to have any effect. You will believe you are going to die.

As for your conditioned children, well you conditioned them. I will use them against you. Their innocent terror will tear your heart and the only way to stop it is to tell them the truth, assuming you even remember what that word means. Conscience? Pffft. They will grow up to be as vicious and spiteful as their parents, so sod them. There will be those who will be shocked, who will say 'You can't scare children like that' and I will say 'Why not? Why would I care about a society that has excluded me?' I'm dehumanised, remember. Those children are not even the same species any more. They are the future, and that future looks horrible.

It's not just going to be about smoking either. I will explain the chemical mix in that cardboard cup of coffee you're drinking and what the plasticisers in your bottle of water will do to your gender. I will detail the changes in your brain caused by your phone and your iPod and your laptop. I will explain subliminal imagery on TV and I will turn every outbreak of infection into a biological attack aimed at you personally. Is any of it true? I don't care. It will be plausible and that's enough.

Every new ban, every new restriction, every new scare story and every new nannying rule will be one more swing in the playground for me. I'm going to encourage those who invent these insanities to higher and higher levels and you antismokers will be with me all the way. You can't get out now. The only way out is to admit what you have been and you cannot do it. You cannot face yourselves. All you have is spite and you are addicted.

No matter how high the madness roller coaster goes, you can't get off.

Eventually the madness will be too much for the general population and they will revolt, but by then they'll have seen you. You, not me. Like those Righteous, I will operate in the background. The drones will spread my lies alongside their own. They will be the ones picketing coffee shops and slapping bottled water off the supermarket shelves. They will be the ones taking plastic yoghourt pots away from children in schools. I'll be nothing more than the voice in their head after their fifth coffee. When it all goes pop, I'll be MacCavity. That's when the Righteous drones will finally see how few they really are.

Years ago I played around with something called 'cold reading'. One of the tricks fake-psychics use. I never pretended to contact the dead but it has many other uses if you want to spook the crap out of someone for fun. If I say so myself, I was fairly proficient at it, although anyone who knew me soon cottoned on to what I was up to so it worked best with strangers.

Who's the stranger on your train tomorrow, antismokers?

Who's that handling all the fruit on the display? Who's picking up items from the shelf and putting them down again? Who touched that door handle or that shopping trolley before you? Dare you accept that change? You don't know where it's been. Who pressed the buttons on the credit card machine or cashpoint, and which ones did they press? Remember, the more dilute the smoke, the more deadly it is. You were safer in those smoky bars than you can be anywhere now. Too late, you've banned them. Every damned one. Now you don't know where the smokers are. Hey, if we can't be in the pub any more, we have to amuse ourselves in other ways.

No mercy, no conscience, no compromise. As Frank quoted in that article, the only way to fight them is to be like them.

Or to be worse.


Bucko said...

I could have sworn that just last week they were telling us coffee prevents breast cancer? Now it makes you mad?

Anonymous said...

Not exactly.

As a confirmed coffee drinker of at least 15 cups of instant coffee a day, it does not drive you mad.
Nor does it make you hallucinate.

One evening at a friends house I drank at least 5 mugs of Lava Java and did not hallucinate at all.

I did find that I had completely forgotten the way home when I left though.


lilith said...

Funnily enough, there's a school of thought that believes Vitamin B3 is a cure for voices in the head.

Anonymous said...

Just as well that there is lots of it in my coffee then, I must definately exceed the RDA.

But they seem to ignore the niacin and just carry on about caffeine.

"A 1941 Hitler Youth handbook declared that for young people at least, caffeine was a poison"in every form and every strength"

Fritz Lickint declared coffee a carcinogen, but Hermann Druckrey challenged the idea, pointing out that Lickints coffee beans had been roasted at an artificially high temperature, producing tars and carbonized chemicals that would not normally occur in the routine process of coffee making."

Which oddly enough, is exactly how Roffo produced "tars" from tobacco in the first place,but he used destructive distillation in a sealed vessel at incredibly high temperatures for several hours.

Anonymous said...

Yawn. Don't you ever get bored of these rants.

Anonymous said...

@ Anon ~ have some fucking balls and post in an identifable name

Anonymous said...

Good point

11:03 was me.


vervet said...

So I guess you have begun your campaign by writing for the Daily Mail then LI ?

Chalcedon said...

Now wash your hands. Always a good idea. Talking of injunctions some Irish paper outed a couple of actors I never heard of on some TV show I never watched.

Now I prefer the theobromine in poisonous chocolate (if you are a dog) to caffeine. Fortunately it doesn't contain any bromine!

Do you realise your vaping habit is contributing to global warming? I hope you are ashamed about this warmist behaviour!

Anonymous said...

On hearing voices, as Lilith pointed out.

"The use of ‘megadoses’ of niacin was first tried by Drs Humphrey Osmond and Abram Hoffer in 1951. So impressed were they with the results in acute schizophrenics that, in 1953, they ran the first double-blind therapeutic trials in the history of psychiatry. Their first two trials showed significant improvement giving at least 3gs (3,000mg) a day, compared to placebos. They also found that chronic schizophrenics, not first-time sufferers but long-term inpatients, showed little improvement.

The results of six double blind controlled trials showed that the natural recovery rate was doubled. Later they found that even chronic patients, treated for several years with niacin in combination with other nutrients, often recovered"

Not knowing what was in it Doctor Goldberger used yeast.

"Even though Doctor Goldberger proved that pellagra was a vitamin deficiency, many of the doctors still clung on to the germ theory.

"Although many scientific colleagues sang Goldberger's praises, even mentioning a Nobel nomination, others still doubted. In the pages of the Journal of the American Medical Association, critic W.J. MacNeal challenged the results. One Birmingham physician referred to the experiment as "half-baked." Still others thought the whole experiment a fraud."

Medicine: Pellagra Cure - 1938

"Nicotinic acid, a distant relative (about second cousin once removed) of tobacco's nicotine, is found in yeast, wheat germ and liver. When considerable quantities were fed to some 300 patients with pellagra, their sores healed, their cramps disappeared.
Even patients who were violently insane dramatically regained their wits within 48 hours."

Well, after being banned from every coffee shop in England, unless I comply,I had to find something to do.


The Penguin said...

I love the homeopathy vibe...

The Penguin.

Anonymous said...

Eleven pints of my smoke saturated blood they have had so far. That's probably the lot though. After being told I'm unworthy. After being harrassed from all sides and being called all names I'll keep it to myself now. Cheers.
I wonder just how many of the 6% in this Country that donate blood are smokers.

petem130 said...

I like the idea of creating fear and panic through complete falsehood. I mean it's not as if the government or the police etc. could complain since they do it all the time.

I also like the fact that people actually believe in passive smoking. What a fabulous wheeze (sorry about that poor pun you smoking chaps). Educated, degree standard bods believing that nonsense.

Mind you I was prepared and enthusiastic to believe that the e-coli in Germany was due to them spreading pooh (since that's the new polite word for shit can we also say Winnie the Shit? but I digress). Back to spreading pooh which hadn't been cooked properly. I liked the environmentalists getting it wrong again. Yer man here has pointed out the error of this theory. I still like it tho. I'll propagate it to the greenies. See, I'm keeping the agriculture thing going!!!

Keep up the blog. It's fabulous stuff. I like the rants. I'm of an age when a rant is petty pleasing. Not sire if those around agree mind you!

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

They even use fear in our churches. I left my last one because they kept saying, "You've got to do xyz, you know, or else people will go to hell." The xyz was usually some special program they'd dreamed up, involving you giving a lot of your time and money. There was a distinct lack of preaching and expositional teaching from the Bible and a lot of emotional blackmail that I came to believe was straight from the horned one!

silly subjectivist séance said...

fuck me, is leg-iron channeling ayn-rand from the other-side?

abstinent anti-matter said...

i just pray i live long enough to read the blogpost leg-iron submits the day after he puffs himself into the great smoker's paradise in the sky.

Leg-iron said...

Rose - no, five coffees didn't do it. I'll stick with the whisky.

Vervet - reading the stuff the daily mail puts out, I have often wondered how much they pay. I could make up crap for a living, and better crap than they do.

Leg-iron said...

Anon 11:08 - no, I never get tired of these rants. They went beyond mere rants some time ago.

I have been tormenting antismokers in real life for a few years, starting after the harridan who fake-coughed when she pased me rolling (not smoking) a cigarette at a bus stop.

That was the last straw, but I can only get at one at a time in real life and that's no use. Sure, they'll spread the hysteria amongst themselves but it's taking far too long.

It's time to up the game. Broaden the remit and the reach. Boost the absurdity to a new level.

Somewhere in that rant I've told you what I plan to do next.

Can you see what it is yet?

Leg-iron said...

silly subjectivist seance - here's a news item for you. I've never read Ayn Rand. Not one page. Any resemblance to anything by that author just means there's more than one of us enraged.

Leg-iron said...

abstinent anti-matter - in the sky? Why would I go there?

I'll be going where I can get a light.

We all know you're Deborah Arnott really said...

Hey, anti-smoker troll with the stupid adjective-noun names.

Fuck you.

butt-bunker said...


now...let me guess...you must be leg-iron's helmet?

Damn, that bitch is ugly said...

Nope. I'm the silent majority. And I'm past fed up with the whole anti-smoker bollocks.

That corrosive organisations such as ASH are funded (involuntarily) by the public is bad enough. The fake science-tinged messages of hate that they daily spew are a disgrace.

But to think that there are people out there who buy into the lies: people who worry themselves to death over nothing; people who attack their fellow human beings because of an irrational fear; people who serve as the useful idiots of tobacco control without even being paid.

Leg-iron is quite right to ridicule anyone that dumb.

dave demodevil said...

i demand the right not to smoke on this blog whilst simultaneously expressing my concerns that other people are doing so. i have previously exercized my right to dive into the deep-end of the local baths and then abstain from swimming, but my case got immersed in difficulties. i also demand the right to fuck the world up without a bunch of liberal do-gooders whinging on about how their chances of re-election are being infringed.

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