Okay, the whisky level has just exceeded the level of sensible scientific writing so it's blogging time.
I remember when John Major was Prime Monster. You know, the grey one. After Thatchzilla, he was definitely the B-feature for that particular show. The newspapers tried to make out he was having an affair and nobody would believe them.
Major? The Grey Librarian? Never! He gave the impression he slept in Paisley pyjamas, had cocoa at bedtime and a boiled egg with toast soldiers every morning, and he always kept his socks on. No way could he be having an affair. But then... the egg should have given us a clue. The wench with the nose of great size (extraordinarily tenuous link to Kate Bush song there, the clue is in the rhythm) who warned him about the deadliness of his eggs then took him aside for a little egg-fertilisation practice.
Then there was David Mellor, the most hideous creature to have been born of woman or sea anemone or some Hell-inspired cross between the two. He'd been bonking away in a Chelsea shirt and the newspapers had photos. I couldn't look.
I remember thinking that if I looked like him, and the newspapers said 'We're going to tell the world you had sex. With a woman', I'd be thinking 'Oh, thank you. Nobody will believe me when I tell them'.
I think the point is, if there is one, that when Major's government did sleaze, a lot of it was funny. Grey Major was bonking the woman who modelled for Concorde while Mellor probably paid a woman to tell the papers she'd slept with him because he couldn't possibly pay her enough to really do it. There just wasn't that much money in the world at that time. Quantitative Sleazing hadn't been invented.
The current Gorgon government are not funny. They don't entertain like Carry On After Thatcher did. They are more like the Gorgonfather. The stuff coming out now is just nasty. Very, very nasty indeed.
But then, socialists don't do 'funny'. If Cameron wins in May, can I recommend the Benny Hill theme as triumphal music?
With clips of Boris chasing scantily-clad nubile wenches around the Commons. It doesn't mean a damn thing in terms of policy but it would cheer us all up no end.
Go on, Dave. You know you want to. Sod the PC rubbish. That's a socialist idea and you really don't want us to start calling you Red Dave, now do you?