Don't get ill. The NHS doesn't like it.

All you sick people are costing the NHS money. You horrible, horrible sickies with your non-smoking and non-drinking-related diseases are costing two billion quid a year to fix. That's almost as much as smokers, and you lot aren't even paying extra tax to cover it! Those illnesses can't be linked to a health scare either so there's no point in bothering with them. Well, the NHS has had enough of you getting into their doctor's surgeries and spreading your second hand squits and third hand sneezes all over the place. They want you to stay home and die quietly.

Seriously. The NHS can't understand why so many people run to their doctor at the slightest sniffle or ache.

This is the same NHS who promote the idea that any sniffle or ache might be swine flu. The same NHS who promote the ASH nonsense that sitting in a chair once occupied by a smoker will give you cancer. The same NHS who spout the terrible news that tuberculosis is on the rise, norovirus lurks in every cafeteria, any scratch will result in MRSA or necrotising fasciitis, if the alcohol doesn't get you then passive drinking will, if you don't die of obesity you'll die of anorexia, you are going to get diabetes if you have a can of fizzy pop, caffeine will make your heart explode, salt will turn you to stone, if you masturbate you'll grow hairs on the palms of your hands and go blind, if you have sex you'll get AIDS or cancer of the naughty bits and if you hold it in, your prostate will eat your nuts.

But they just can't understand why the entire population is made up of feeble little crybabies who run to the doctor if they have a bit of a sore head.

Our health nannies have put out instructions on how to wash your hands, how to use a toilet, what you can eat and drink and what you can't, how much exercise you must do, what you can inhale, and soon lessons on how to sleep and how to move quickly from one place to another.

It's not even consistent. Once, eggs were great, then eggs were full of cholesterol and would give you heart attacks, and now eggs are great again. Drinka pinta milka day - remember that? Now, everyone thinks they are lactose intolerant and every pint of milk will translate into six gallons of dysentery as it passes through their bodies. Chicken is healthy, chicken will give you campylobacter, chocolate is good - bad - good - bad, and so on. No wonder people's heads are spinning. They are listening to this crap.

Some people really do have a problem with milk, but very few. It's usually the milk proteins rather than the lactose. But hey, let's not get distracted by reality here. We are talking about the NHS.

All the NHS wants is your money. Spending that money on treating illnesses is such a waste. If we all took out private healthcare, they could sack all the doctors and nurses and every administrator could have an entire ward for an office.

They don't want to treat smokers. They don't want to treat drinkers. They don't want to treat the overweight. All those people get major ailments and that costs money. Now they don't want to treat people with minor ailments either, because that costs money too. Money that taxpayers have paid in. The NHS is not free healthcare. It is pre-paid healthcare. If you're not paying in, someone else is paying for you. It is not free. It is, in fact, bloody expensive.

NHS - what is the point of you? Why are you so expensive when you don't want to actually do anything? Why, if smokers are paying 10 billion, costing you 2.7 billion (you claim), are you not delighted to welcome us with open arms if we do get sick? We pay four times as much as we cost, on top of the income and NI taxes, and you don't even like us if we have a broken arm!

The NHS has put out scare story after scare story, and is now surprised to find that the people they have been trying to scare are, amazingly enough, scared. The NHS does not want to do the job it is paid to do. Therefore, the only answer is to close it down.

They do have important matters to attend to, of course. I mean, drop those scalpels and needles, people, there are far more important things than patients to deal with.

There's taking offense at an advert, for a start.

What the NHS needs is a simple clearout system. If your office has a carpet, you're sacked. The money could go towards some doctors, nurses and cleaning staff for a start.

There'd be enough left over for two on-site bars, one smoking and one non-smoking.