Monday, 14 February 2011

Here comes the... other husband.

There is much ado about the government's statement that churches are to be 'allowed' to host gay marriages. This will, no doubt, develop along the same lines that sees pubs 'allowed' to make smokers stand outside. Unlike smokers and Christians, everyone else can sue when they get told to clear off. Yes, it's going to be a compo-fest, we all know the way it works now.

It's interesting to note that nowhere in the article is there any mention of mosques being similarly 'allowed'. Then again, did anyone expect there to be? They seriously don't like gays. They don't even like each other.

I have rarely set foot inside a church. If I were to approach the local minister, with gullible and possibly drugged wench in tow, and suggest using his church to get married he is likely to ask a few questions. Chief among these (these days, just after 'are you a filthy smoker') will be 'Are you a Christian?'

Well, I was confirmed at the age of 11 and I think the little Eucharist I was given at that time is probably still at my parent's house. Read it? No.

'Ah, but have you been practising since?'

I didn't know you had to keep practising. I thought the confirmation was the qualification.

So, not being a Christian and certainly having never attended this or any other church, the minister would be within his rights to say 'Get ye hence, foul heretic, and nevermore stain this place with that oddly shaped shadow of thine, nor with nicotine, by the way pal.'

Then he'd make the sign of the cross, head-butt me and whack me with an empty Buckfast bottle until I was safely off hallowed ground.

As I said, I haven't been often. Maybe they don't do that any more. Or maybe it was just something specific to the Church of C.U. Jimmy in Glasgow. I doubt many churches have emblazoned on the wall 'See Jesus. See crucified. Aye, so just watch it, right?' I was there for a wedding, well not really, there was a couple of other folk involved in that, I was there for the free food and drink. Never discuss religion with a drunk Glaswegian priest unless you can run fast.

Anyway, as a non-Christian, I would expect a church to say 'No, you can't get married in here, and certainly not to an inflatable woman. We are not adjusting the service to say 'You may kiss the vinyl' so just go away'.

The Christian church is founded on, and promotes, Christian belief. I don't believe so I don't go. I don't live according to all the Christian tenets so I haven't joined the club. There is nothing in the Bible to prevent me joining, even Noah was recorded as having hit the bottle hard at least once. There is no mention of smoking at all as far as I know. Nothing in the Bible says 'No smokers, no liver-picklers and no revolting, seedy little pervs'. I could join if the fancy ever took me. It's not likely.

However, the Bible is quite clear on the subject of homosexuality. God's against it. The Bible, at least, restricts itself to 'Well, no, we don't really like that sort of thing' with a cheesy smile and those arms with no bones in them that all the church tea-room people seem to have. The Quran is rather more direct and gives detailed instruction in the manner of death to be enjoyed by those of alternative persuasions.

If you're gay, God doesn't like you. Allah, on the other hand, really, really hates you. Christianity is the hotel owner who says 'Two men sharing a room? Oooo, we can't have that'. Islam is the gang of skinheads out looking for anyone wearing pink. It's odd, really, to find the likes of Stonewall shouting down the old-lady hotel owner while cheering on the skinheads. But then I spent years trying to find the logic in human activity and have come to the conclusion that there isn't any.

So the logic of a gay couple wanting to be wed in any church whose core text states they are not welcome is pretty much what I'd expect to find in the human race these days. It makes no sense.

Nothing in the world makes sense. Nothing ever has and nothing ever will. Accept that and you'll live a happier life.

If there is God, I picture him, every morning, switching on his Earth monitors then burying his face in his hands and saying 'Oh, Me, what are they doing now?'

In God's place, I'd nuke the planet and start over. Although it might not be as funny next time round.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, nothing makes any logical sense.

So, like you I'd rather have a large vodka and a cigarette and let the world go to hell in its own handbasket

Bill Sticker said...

"I spent years trying to find the logic in human activity and have come to the conclusion that there isn't any."

Likewise.

TheFatBigot said...

Since when has any sort of principle held sway in the good old C of E? (I assume the C in Wales and the C of Scotland are equally wet.)

Of course they will host civil partnership ceremonies. They hold services of blessing, or whatever it's called, for homosexualites who have entered civil partnerships and they bless civil marriages between persons previously divorced (and usually manage to resist calling them filthy whores and adulterous philanderers).

I am prepared to accept, just, that some vicars do so out of a spirit of kindness to those who have fallen but might yet be saved. More often the explanation is the fees. Vicar gets a bung, organist gets a bung, choir gets a bung, it's extra for bells, surcharge if you want your flowers supervised by old Mrs Snodgrass, a few quid on top for wear-and-tear and a modest brown envelope for the cleaner.

The pink pound will rule the day.

Furor Teutonicus said...

Perhaps they will come to some arrangement regarding "Only allowed in an outdoor shelter, more than 50 meters away from the door"?

As to "churches", their hobby, they get to make the rules. You don't like it, fuck off to somewhere you DO like.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Huh, the church doesn't preach the word anymore, it has long fallen into apostasy, so I don't think it matters whether they allow homosexual marriages or not. In fact it enrages me that they have the nerve to call themselves The Church when they don't even bother to open a Bible, let alone preach it.

If I didn't think the Lord was coming soon to take up His throne in Jerusalem, I'd despair.

Angry Exile said...

"The Bible, at least, restricts itself to 'Well, no, we don't really like that sort of thing' with a cheesy smile and those arms with no bones in them that all the church tea-room people seem to have."

Point of order, Leg-iron. Leviticus 20:13 goes a bit beyond not really liking that sort of thing. Actually it demands a death sentence, although the format seems to be fairly open as long as they end up dead. Oh, and anyone who's ever had a mum and daughter fantasy you'd best leave it at that. 20:14 says death for that as well, and for all three. That one gets a bit more specific and insists everyone involved is burned alive. I could go on but suffice it to say that that area of the Bible has rather a lot of death sentences in it, including death for being a rape victim in certain circumstances. Yes, you did read that right - there's also the approval of rape of female prisoners including young girls. And if you want really bizarre go look up Deuteronomy 15:12-17. If I told you what it says you'd think I was making it up.

Nightwatchstate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"... There is no mention of smoking at all as far as I know. Nothing in the Bible says 'No smokers, no liver-picklers and no revolting, seedy little pervs'...."



somewhere in the old testament there is a part where god is mad at the people for some reason and inside the temple to the lord, god and comes in and fills the entire temple up with smoke so that the people can no longer enter and defile the temple. he uses smoke to re-sanctify the temple and lots and lots of it. it doesn't say where the source of this smoke comes from.

in the new testament there is a part where jesus tells people to watch and be careful what comes out of their mouths, for that is how they get into trouble and sin, but not by what goes into their mouths, and makes allusions to wine, ale, fatty foods and i imagine smoking fits into that category, since it is of the same nature of going into the mouth, not the cause of sin, but what comes out of the mouth, hateful sinful satanic antismoking comments.

there's no mention of smoking per-se in the bible but there is evidence found of egyptian mummies with tobacco leaves wrapped up with them, suggesting tobacco was already in use even by that early time in egypt, controversial only because it would imply that tobacco was being shipped across the atlantic from south america to africa at a time before the americas were thought to have been discovered by europeans, not controversial by the thought that egyptians may have been smoking tobacco. they did smoke henbane and other leafs for certain. so did the druids up north.

Furor Teutonicus said...

XX they did smoke henbane XX

Ahhhh HENBANE!!

WONDERFULL stuff indeed. Although I prefer Thorn-apple my self.

I'm Bwian said...

Angry Exile ..

" Leviticus 20:13 goes a bit beyond not really liking that sort of thing. Actually it demands a death sentence, although the format seems to be fairly open "

Come on Angry get with the programme. That's old testament hebrew stuff. Jesus explained that all away when he was sent to earth to die for us and led us to the New Testament. ( which jews ignore funnily enough)

biffo said...

In the Old Testament God also wasn't very keen on shellfish eaters & pork chops were absolutely taboo - so no gays, no moules marinare & no pork Sunday roast - as the song says 'you can't have one without the other'.

Angry Exile said...

I'm Bwian, actually no. Romans 1:26-32 still calls for death for gays and lesbians (someone finally noticed all those hot early Palestinian chicks tribbing away and, presumably, a lot of blokes wishing someone would hurry up and invent the DVD player). An in Matthew 5:17 Jesus said he wasn't up for doing away with the Old Testament but wanted to fulfil it.

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

Super. I guess the reason they haven't hacked everyone else to pieces is because modern Christians are prepared to filter the Bible through a layer of common sense. Well, most of them are. They have their share of vocal loons too, and to be honest I don't see a lot of difference between people like Fred Phelps and Anjem Choudary.

Angry Exile said...

Biffo, that's nearly everyone in Oz condemned. Chuck another prawn on the barbie, we're all going to hell anyway.

Anonymous said...

Especially if you wear clothes made of two different types of cloth...

The Daily Mash summed up the contrary views expressed in the Bible and the idiocy in taking them all literally here:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/britain-gets-comfy-as-melanie-phillips-explains-%27biblical-sexuality%27-201102143539/

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