Tuesday, 22 February 2011

All Hail the Rolled God.

Yeah, and my religion lets me have gin and vodka too.
(Image donated by Email)

Census time approaches. It's all based, like a ten-year version of the MOT, on conditions on the day. So, when it comes to employment, I might be employed as a scientist on that day. Or maybe I will be engaged in writing on that day. Maybe I will be 'idle rich' or 'idle poor' depending on what's in my bank account at the time.

Maybe I will be a gardener or a ghosthunter or a potential political candidate or a washing machine repairer or a shelf builder or a gravel raker or a floral display installer or a tobacco industry shill or an independent virginity assessor or... anything.

That's the great part about being self-employed. No defined job description and no employer. On that one day, on Census Day, I could be anything. It all depends on what I'm doing on the day. No other day matters, just that one. Hey, I don't make the rules but you can be sure I'm going to play with them. False information? If I put anything other than what I am doing on that day, that would be false. If I put what I am doing on that day, it's true. It's what I am, for that day.

How many bedrooms? A bedroom is a room with a bed in it. Just because it's upstairs does not make it a bedroom. I have an attic, and that's not an overbedroom (apart from the bit that is, in fact, over the bed).

So if all the beds are in one room for the day, there is only one bedroom on that day.

This is going to be fun. All the answers I give on that form will be perfectly true - for that day.

There is going to be a religion question. I am not going to put 'Jedi' even though it's the fastest growing religion in the country. I considered putting 'Sith' and calling myself 'Darth Leg-iron' but there are 390,127 Jedis looking for Darth someone so they can kick the crap out of him. It's not a good idea to be that someone at the moment, not until the Death Star is finished anyway, and I must remember to put a mesh over that vent this time. Besides, the Darth hat looks so dated now.

I can't remember what I put last time. It might have been 'Nun' which would cause a bit of head scratching. I remember going through all the options but can't remember what I decided on. Whatever it was, I was probably the only one.

Options this time have included 'Worshipper of the Crocus God', or maybe 'Santaist', which involves dressing in red, coming out at night, drinking, smoking, putting on weight and sneaking into small children's bedrooms with a sack while they sleep. Ho ho ho.

Mr. A. has the perfect solution. My religion will be 'Smoker'. Well Rastafarians get away with it. Smoking cannabis is part of that religion. Smoking tobacco will be all of mine.

Smokers are about 20% of 60 million people. That's 12 million. We can whup some Jedi ass this time round even if only 10% of us put 'smoker' as our religion. Two million muslims? Pah. We can wipe them out with one simultaneous exhalation of second hand smoke.

Go on. You know if you put 'Christian' they're just going to persecute you anyway so why not go the whole hog and put 'Smoker'? You can believe in any god and be a Smoker. You can be an atheist and be a Smoker. We exclude nobody. We are the most inclusive religion there is. Believe what you want, worship who you want any way you want. We don't prescribe nor do we proscribe. You can even join if you don't smoke as long as you don't mind the rest of us doing it.

All it needs is a name. Smokotology? Smokianity? Smokism?

Ah, we can work all that out later. After a smoke. Then, everything ASH says or does, every NHS pronouncement and every council edict will be 'inciting religious hatred'. Well, it works for every other religion (except Christianity) and there are more of us than them.

If every smoker did this, someone somewhere might finally sit up and realise that what ASH has been telling them hasn't been entirely (or remotely) true.

It has to be worth a try.


Frank Davis said...

Of course, just putting "smoker" gives no indication of what you're smoking.

It could be anything. Paper. Cardboard. Dried prunes. In short, the usual suspects.

Leg-iron said...

Ah, but the smoking ban affects 'smoking', no matter what it is. The cardboard smokers are just as banned.

Incidentally, I've just noticed this -


Looks like the smoker's gallows humour remains intact.

Anonymous said...

Smoking most certainly IS a religion.

a) The sweet scent of tobacco smoke, especially flavoured pipe tobacco, is sweeter than church incense, the smell of the gods.

b) Whilst smoking, the brain goes into a trance, relaxation is induced, all problems seem solvable, a close relationship with the centre of the universe is established, it is a direct connection to God.

c) As the smoke thickens and rises, forms and shapes appear in the mist. The consciousness perceives the supernatural world all around us and brings us closer to real Truth and the reality hidden from on the other side of The Veil.

d) When the smoke begins to rise, in billowing puffs, as it peters out growing thinner, going higher, it raises our eyes upward, to heaven and ultimately, to God Himself.

What a more perfect description of relgion can one ask for - other than the pure pleasure of being honest to man's natural instincts, using the Good Herb Tobacco, that God gave us to use - and for the most perfect purpose of finding our way back to God, inside our minds, whilst the lit end of the cigarette is still aglow.

PS: The photo is funny. The caption even funnier. Laughed a LOT !!!

Mark Wadsworth said...

I'm happy to put 'smoker' but as Frank D points out, it might be more helpful if we put 'Tobacco smoker' just to make it clear (no disrespect to cannabis smokers, obviously).

banned said...

Religion? Smoker though with leanings toward "climate change denial"

Occupation? If I'm indulging in self-relief at the time The Truth will oblige me to say "w*nker".

Sexuality? "other".

2011 census online

"Me and My Community is a toolkit of interactive, cross-curricular resources for teachers of pupils aged 7-11 in England and Wales." WTF?

Bucko said...

I'm in, and so are a few folk at my place.

I think "Smoker" is enough. Lets not divide ourselves up.

PT Barnum said...

Food for thought, this. I was planning a boycott, but maybe rampant disinformation is the way to go. How much of the form would have to be strictly accurate (name, dob) to remain on the side of the law?

My tobacco tin has long been adorned with one of those stickers (see L-I's link above) - More acceptable than w*nking. Which is pretty unarguable, when I'm stood in the street, even to the likes of Arnott.

Oldrightie said...

I suspect millions will hopefully use the 40 minutes allocated to the 32 pages for much mischief, within the bounds of the joke that this Country has become.

Anonymous said...

Watching a chap on the box yesterday who is one of chiefs of this survey.
Apparently it will take 45 minutes to complete, its huge, over 40 pages.
Plus, it MUST be completed or you will initially be visited to HELP you complete it then they may resort to the law.
Smoker sounds good to me.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about alternative names. The best was 'Church of the Wholly Tobacco', so you can imagine how silly the rest were.

'Smoker' is good enough for me.

Mongo said...

Nosy bastards, can I just refuse to comply due to it being an invasion of my privacy or something?

Anonymous said...

Yes, tobacco smoker.

druid said...

The Scottish census is being run by the company that set up the Abu Graib prison system. They won't send you there if you don't fill in the form will they ?

The English/ Welsh census is being run by the company that makes the F35 multi roll combat aircraft.( Lockheed Martin ). They won't fly over your house and wiggle their wings if you don't fill in the census will they ? ;)

NickM said...

Well for occupation,
Like Sid james in one of the Carry On films...

I'm a Hansom Cab lamp-fitter.

Or maybe Octupus wrangler.

Or International Man of Mystery.

Or God.

I have been pondering the religion bit myself. Particularly if I go for the later occupation.

KevinS said...

I would have to put Lapsed Smoker

richard said...

Here's a funny thing. A few weeks ago I got some nicotine gum at our local pharmacy. It was free, but I had to sign a form. Today I got a phonecall from the pharmacy asking how the treatment was working. I'm not off the fags entirely but I've cut down, purely to save a few pounds. She (pharmacist) asked if I wanted to call in and get a CO reading on their machine. I jokingly said "It's not compulsory, is it?"
To which she replied "Yes"(!) I asked what would happen if I didn't go to which the reply was "we'll have to keep phoning you more often" Who sees the data, sez me. "Just us."

English Pensioner said...

I'm retired, but as I never seem to have time to do any of the things that I planned for retirement, I must be working. I'll probably be a gardener for the day, or may be a child-minder if my grandson is in our care on the day. Who knows?
My conservatory has just been re-designated as an outhouse (well its outside the main house) and the garage as a junk room. There's plenty of scope for the imagination, and as I don't smoke, perhaps I should describe my religion as an alcoholic. And since I've just discovered from the 1911 census that my grandfather was Swiss (assuming he was telling the truth), my ethnic origin is now anglo-swiss.

Anonymous said...

"Plus, it MUST be completed or you will initially be visited to HELP you complete it then they may resort to the law."

I think if you put "smoker" as religion (or occupation maybe another good one?) then the "science is clear" and the government should not allow the census workers to touch anything contaminated by Third Hand Smoke.

Furthermore, since one must not have smoked for at least 1/2 hour prior to a government official coming to visit, that alone could keep the census "helper" from ever showing up on the doorstep and no policeman would dare step over the threshhold to arrest you, not if there's the threat of Third and Second Hand Smoke involved.

Hah - I'd make an issue around that one and trip them up using their own nonsensical mandates.

banned said...

"Smoker" it is then, both Religion and Occupation.

@English Pensioner, "Seeker after smoke?"

Anonymous said...

I quite like the words:

Tobacco Devotee.

Anonymous said...


Priest of the Tobacco Devotee Church

Leg-iron said...

Mongo - if you don't fill it in, the Compliance Borg will visit. "Resistance is futile. You will be evaluated."

Then they fine you loads of money, then they make you fill it in anyway.

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