Friday, 25 November 2011

Warning: may contain heresy.

When I was at school (yes, they had schools in those days, with chalk and canes and all the things the modern children fear) there came a day when everyone was given a copy of the King James Bible. We all took them home and put them on a shelf and most of them are probably still there.

That was one Bible per child. I assume it wasn't just our school that did it. Knowing how much of a virulent smokophobe King James was (and let's not forget, his son caused a civil war so being a git ran in the family) I wonder if the money generated from that mass printing was what started ASH.

Now our timewasting government wants to send one copy to every school in the country. One per school. It seems a futile gesture. Catholic schools will already have libraries full of Bibles, Jewish schools will glue the pages of the New Testament together and Muslim schools will use it as a handy child-whacking implement.

It seems Mickey the Glove has taken it upon himself to write a foreword. To the Bible. I wonder what it says?

My mate God said to me, "Mickey," he said, "I'm thinking about writing a book. A big one with everything in it. The thing is, what with having to wind up the Earth every morning and listen to all those prayers, I just can't find the time."

"You shouldn't have made it clockwork," I told him. "If you had made it wind-powered you could have charged everyone extra to live on it. Have a word with Fallen Angel Huhne. He's over there insisting his wife was the one driving the cloud."

God took a draw on his cigar and exhaled a cloud of holy smoke. "Yeah, well, it's too late to take it all apart and start again. Anyway, what I really want is advice on book-writing."

"Easy," I said. "I'll do the first couple of pages for you and we can get your followers to do the rest. Promise them cushy jobs in the EU - I mean, the actual afterlife rather than the political one - and I bet you can get them to do it for free."

"Brilliant," said God, and that's when he told me I could come to Earth and become Education Secretary with a big salary and loads of free stuff. He also forgave me for that apple thing, which was a long time ago. He's a great bloke, God. Read his book and buy a copy, or suffer eternal unpleasantness. 

Oh dear. I just realised that abbreviates to EU. Bit of a giveaway there but I don't suppose anyone will notice.


Naturally the atheists decry this as a waste of money and insist that even more money is wasted handing out free copies of 'On the Origin of Species' as well. Which will collect dust on the shelves in every secular school and be used to cut down the heating bills in every religious school.

I wonder if Mickey the Glove will write the foreword to that too? His mate God won't like it if he does.


I was on the Beagle when Darwin came in without knocking. "You can't breed with that species," he said, then he went quiet and left looking thoughtful.


Xopher said...

New Title - GOVErnment is GOD.
First line
I had a meeting with the Pope and he said "Sir, ..........."

Delerium said...

this is brilliant, what fun (and yes, disturbing!) to read! :)

Anonymous said...

Okay, here you go. Anti-smoking lines taken direclty out of the King James Version of the Bible.

-- This describes the smoke-filled pubs and the anti-smoker's rant when he/she runs outside, fearful of the second-hand-smoke and cursing all those smokers for their "unclean lips"

Isiah, Chapter 6, Verses 4, 5

4 And the posts of the door moved at the voice of him that cried, and the house was filled with smoke.

5 Then said I, Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.

-- This describes the exact words for an anti-smoker to use, especially outdoors when in proximity to second-hand-smoke, fear sets in and they feel compelled to tell the smoker to stop smoking.

Isaiah, Chapter 66, Verse 5

5 Which say, Stand by thyself, come not near to me; for I am holier than thou. These are a smoke in my nose, a fire that burneth al the day.

So yes, that is actually found in the KJV of the Bible, so you may be right about King James when he authorized this edition.

Neal Asher said...

Is his plan to pass all the unemployable over to the church? What a tit. A better book for schools would be something like 'The Bully State' just to let them know what they're in for.

Kevin B said...

I must admit that this is slightly less concerning to me than making the poor wee mites sit through Gore's fantasy in fire, An Inconvenient truth.

And also less concerning than rewriting all the schoolbooks every year to castigate the new villain du jour. (All right, they can leave the bits blaming the English, Yanks and Jews for most of the trouble in the world, but they have to add in Big Oil, Big Denier, Big Tobacco and each new Big Nasty as it comes along. It took a lot of work to blame Maggie and Ronnie for the Death of the Dinosaurs, the Fall of Rome and continental drift.)

Still, in these parlous times, they could have just stuck with the parable of the talents or, given the state of school meals, the Sermon on the Mount.

Furor Teutonicus said...

Would not "1984" have been a better choice....or would that start giving them ideas?

nominedeus said...

"Easy," I said. "I'll do the first couple of pages for you and we can get your followers to do the rest. Promise them cushy jobs in the EU - I mean, the actual afterlife rather than the political one - and I bet you can get them to do it for free."

Absolutely brilliant LI I nearly snorked me vodka through me nasal byways with that it..if the tears are anything to go by...

Anonymous said...

I was brought up on the King James Bible which is brilliant because it really gives a feel for how wonderful the English language can be.

At the age of 15, I was given a copy of the New English Bible which I thought was rubbish in comparison.

Eddie Willers said...

I still have my copy of the RSV that all us kids were given on day 1 at our new Comprehensive in September '75...long, long ago.

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