Friday, 6 January 2012

Buy shares in tinfoil.

It's time for a new conspiracy theory, David Icke-style. I'm bored with the reptile thing, it doesn't seem to be developing any further and besides, nobody would buy any book by me with 'reptilians live here' as a theme because Icky Dai has the franchise covered. He's left nothing for me to write about, he's covered it all and science fiction has used up whatever bits were left.

Still, he managed to convince a lot of people that George Bush was an escaped monitor lizard painted pink (even though monitor lizards are far more intelligent) so if there are gullible people out there with money, it's only reasonable to take advantage of them. Gullibles hate smokers, drinkers and everyone they are told to hate so I feel unpeturbed by the idea of fleecing the buggers.

Finding a world event to attach to a new theory was the work of about ten seconds. In the news today, the Merkozy dual-body creature has decided to rip the finance out of London and use the money to shore up their collapsing currency. A quick quote from France tells us how it is:

Mr Leonetti said: “This is on the programme for the next summit. Nicolas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel have decided on this and it will be put in place before the end of 2012.”

They have decided it will be so, and it will be implemented. The EU is theirs, we just get to pay for it.But what of the Gullibles? What have they to say?

Left-wing campaigners were last night backing the tax. David Hillman, spokesman for the Robin Hood Tax campaign, said: “In these tough economic times, it is great news that Europe is acting to ensure the financial sector shoulders its fair share of the burden.

This man is no relation of mine and if he is, he can consider himself disowned. 
“The UK Government is ever more isolated in blocking a tax that could raise billions to protect public services and the poorest.”

What a moron. Does he actually believe that the EU want the money to 'protect services and the poor' rather than to keep themselves in the style to which they have become accustomed? Yes, yes he does. Okay then, here we have a man who will believe anything and there are many more like him out there. Time to let the madness out.

Entering Icke mode. Have your roll of tinfoil handy: 

One of the premises of a good conspiracy theory is that the conspirators are always confident enough to give away blatant clues. They want people to notice them because there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. If you don't place the clues to your conspiracy, the Gullibles never get that 'Oh, yeah' moment that starts them buying your books and paying to hear you spout nonsense on a stage.

'Merkozy' doesn't help here. How about an alternative, perhaps 'Sarkiel'? That sounded familiar so I did a bit of book-skimming.

The book of Enoch (7:10) lists the leaders of the fallen angels, and one of the names (depending on translation the spelling can vary) is Sahriel. Close enough. They have picked up the 'Merkozy' tag in the press but if we use the other parts of their names, Sar- and -el then it's not too much of a stretch to get to Sahriel. Enoch was originally written in Aramaic using a different alphabet so spelling is irrelevant. There's our main clue for the Gullibles. Sahriel is telling us of his influence, but only to those clever enough to look the right way (the dimmer the sap, the more they enjoy being called 'intelligent').

These aren't Lucifer's gang. He was still around in the book of Job so he hadn't been booted yet. By the time of the New Testament he had been. I'm still not sure exactly when, but since he was still on speaking terms with the Boss during Job's time, he couldn't have been the serpent. Besides, in Job, Lucifer seemed to still have limbs and didn't ssssspeak like Kaa.

These fallen angels are the ones who took a fancy to a bit of human wench-flesh and introduced lots of naughtiness into the world. Up to this point, all that Adam had done was bite an apple and there had been one murder, the miscreant rapidly apprehended, but these angels arrived with all sorts of new ideas. Swords, armour, sorcery, that sort of thing. They also get the credit for fire (cf. Prometheus) because the Righteous have never believed that humans could possibly have done anything for themselves, and still don't.

These were angels, spirit creatures with no bodies and since they were immortal they were created with no naughty bits. No need for reproduction if you never die. They could only have sex with humans if they possessed human bodies. We don't need that silly scene where the lizard rips off its man-mask to reveal a face that could not possibly fit behind the mask. Our demons are spirits.

The angels took over human society and their offspring were greedy giants who consumed everything the humans produced and still demanded more (are we folding the tinfoil into a hat shape yet?).

The first lot of giants, aka Nephilim, were destroyed in Noah's flood but they are mentioned again in the Bible after the flood. Can't lay my hand on chapter and verse at the moment, I think it was in Numbers. How come they were still around? Simple.

The angels are spirits who have taken over human bodies. When those bodies die they simply go looking for another. So after the Flood, they just waited for humanity to breed like chavs, possessed a few more humans and carried on as before. This time they stayed away from the Israelites and picked on some barbarians, who didn't know about them so were easier to control. We know God often allowed the smiting of non-Israelites, probably because they used Lot's wife to salt their chips.

Since the angels are immortal (as spirits, not bodies) they must still be here. They can be blamed for the Roman and Greek gods, the Norse gods, all sorts of Pagan gods - there were two hundred of them and only one, Azazael, was bound and incarcerated. We still have 199 to play with.

Where are they now? Who are they in? Why is there such a quest to make the human body immortal and why, in particular, are the EU so obviously intent on suppressing Christianity?

Well, if you wanted to take over, and there was a book containing information on what you really were up to, wouldn't you try to stop anyone reading it? Wouldn't you try to replace it with a book that does not give your game away?

That's right. Jam that hat on tight.

End of Icke mode. You can all take your hats off now.

I made it up. All of it, obviously, but I made it up using referable material. I made tenuous links between totally disparate things (the Merkozy tag was an absolute gift, I admit it) and I think, with a bit of work, this could be turned into a conspiracy theory that will have the Guillibles in a total panic and more importantly, desperate to buy the book it's in.

I have loads of reference material on this because I use it in the entertainment fiction. Stuff Harry Potter and his made-up magic. I use real demons and real spells, well, at least, ones you can look up. Best not read those parts aloud, just in case. I have several versions of the Bible, a good bit of Crowley's stuff, books on Celtic and Pagan legends, copies of the Key of Solomon, the Goetia and the Grimoire of Armadel, and many more. Don't look so impressed, I bought them in paperback from Amazon. Don't bother with Armadel, it makes no sense at all. Goetia is at least full of things to scare the children, and works best on the grown-up ones.

With a little refinement I am sure this could blow Icke's lizards out of the water. I have a feeling he started with the lizards first and rooted around for a basis later. Not too hard, most religions had some kind of lizard thing among their gods, but why make work for yourself? Get the basis first and make the conspiracy solid. Then let the Gullibles have it with stuff they can look up for themselves.

No, I can assure you I am not going to pretend to be the second coming of Jesus. No chance of convincing anyone of that. I don't even have a beard, and the marks on my hands are quite obviously burn-marks. Healing up nicely, incidentally, and I now have new and hole-free oven gloves.

I might, if Wogan is still available, pretend to be the other guy. Yes, I think I could pull that off. I could borrow Lady Gaga's prosthetic horns.

All ideas for expanding this into something that will leave the likes of Icke and von Daniken in the dust are welcome. The main difference between me and them is that I'm not pretending it's real.

Of course, that could be a ruse to throw you off the scent...

(Panoptica first or it'll never get finished, but once that's done I'm definitely going to have a play around with this. Crackpots have made fortunes with shit like this).


Ahriman said...

Sounds great - you could always watch The Prophecy movie series, with Christopher Walken as Gabriel and Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer (in the first one) for fleshing out the mythos, so to speak.

Henry Crun said...

You are Dan Brown and I claim my £5.

Moi said...

Don’t be too hard on dear old David I.  Although clearly the main thrust of his views aren’t concerned with smoking, he does mention the anti-smoking movement in one of his books – something along the lines of the powers-that-be knowing the passion with which born-again-anythings are prepared to fight - unpaid and unacknowledged by the big cheeses - for whatever it is they’ve been born-again into, if they’ve been convinced enough that they are now on the Path of Righteousness.  He cites the particular example of “reformed” smokers and how intolerant they become.  I warmed to him immediately I read that!

Chalcedon said...

Anyone arguing for a new tax during a recession is a moron. It is just spite and class envy I reckon. Trust the socialists and left wingers. This would be pissed away by Brussels. and not on the poor either.

theprog said...

'Crackpots have made fortunes with shit like this'

Indeed. Particularly from those brainwashed into selling up and handing over the proceeds.

You're clearly not mad (well, not literally) so I guess we can sleep easy in this respect. But if you publish a pic showing you 'a la Gaga' (or in a turquoise shell suit) I'll press the donate button. A tenner OK?

Tony said...

Forget Icke's comments about lizards and watch his presentation on Big Brother, it's absolutely fantastic: 

His "totalitarian tiptoe" can be applied quite easily to how our rights are be eroded (re: smoking bans etc.) quite easily.

Legiron said...

Maybe I should start a religion which includes smoking and drinking as requirements for followers. As the bans progress, I'd be getting converts all over the place.

I have plans to be cremated in a shellsuit because it will help to burn all the tobacco stuffed into the pockets. So I would be seen dead in one but not until then.

The horns though, I'll see if I can get hold of some...

Legiron said...

He describes the world of Panoptica pretty much to a 'T'.

Since I wrote my own little mock-conspiracy-theory, I've looked again at Icke's stuff but in a different way.

He has recently mostly dropped the 'reptilian' thing and his 'bloodlines' thing matches another researcher's maps of the migration of early peoples. He's laughed at too because he thinks the Ark of the Covenant is in Ynysybwl in Wales. I used to live not far from there and if it was there, it's been melted down and sold for beer money by now. Not the safest place on the planet to leave a gold box.

Back to Icke: What I thought was that if I really wanted to get people to listen, would I start by talking about shadowy men in suits? Nobody would pay any attention at all.

However, if I were to first get their attention by being an entertaining loony with a theory about fallen angels, then start slipping in the serious stuff later...

Now I wonder if the whole reptilian thing was just the opener. The attention-grabber.

As I said, he's mostly dropped it now and left it to others to spout the scaly stuff. If it was a ploy, it was a good one.

A template that could work again, maybe?

Tony said...

Thanks for the reply Legiron.

I have been reading Icke for a long time now and taking away the nutty stuff (like the lizards/shape-shifting) a lot of the mainstream things he talks about make a lot of sense, I am sure he dropped most of the lizard/shape-shifting stuff as it was doing his credibility a lot of harm.

This 9 minute clip explaining how money works is poetry: 

Anyway not wanting to sidetrack you from your excellent blog and it's message mate just wanted to big up Icke because (lizards/shape-shifters aside) he is doing some great work. As I said before at the end of the day what Icke says about the total control of people ties in very well with this ban state that we are well into now, it's all about controlling people.

Legiron said...

I've listened to a lot of his stuff too and thought 'He has a point but the lizard part is nuts'. That video you linked to has no lizards and no new age life energy and as I said, after quickly making up a theory of my own, I'm now wondering if all of that was a stroke of marketing genius.

Get their attention and then tell them the story. Otherwise, nobody will listen. Yes, they call you nuts in public but in private they are wondering...

I have also had an experience in the first days of this year that confirms that theory. Unfortunately it involved scaring a teenager half to death in under five sentences, but it sparked an idea that won't now go away. I thought, she's terrified by a few words when I have enough info on this to fill a library.

Whether Icke's method of getting attention was deliberate or accidental, it did work and it will work again. Putting up with years of ridicule? Ha! Look at me! I've had decades of it already and I haven't even done anything ridiculous yet.

So if I go out and start banging on about politics and smoking bans, nobody listens.

If I start babbling about fallen angels and other things of that ilk, everyone says 'hey look, a nutter, let's laugh at him' and when they're all listening, I change the tune.

It doesn't matter that they think it's nuts. What matters is that they listen. Once the words are in, they will fester and grow on their own.

I think Icke might have been on to the greatest bit of PR ever devised. Thinking on it more, I also suspect he learned it from earlier groups.

Tony said...

That grand bastion of all things that are moral, The Daily Mail (website) has recently been posting quite a few articles on Icke trying to demonise him, mostly over the top hyperbole and containing a lot of bullsh*t about him yet viewing a lot of the readers comments a lot of the support is for Icke, so it seems that the Daily Mail is failing in whatever it was they set out to do.

Either way it is all generating more publicity for Icke.

You may be right mate about the PR after all.

One other thing Leg, have you heard of an American talk radio host called Alex Jones. Big ball breaking Texan, kind of like David Icke but in turbo mode! Runs a couple of websites called Infowars and Prison Planet. He shares a lot of Icke's views (minus the lizards/shape-shifters.)

Legiron said...

The Mail have it in for Jeremy Clarkson too.

I've watched a lot of Alex Jones' videos. He has some interesting info, but he really needs to take a breath sometimes. Too intense to watch for long.

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