Watch out, there's a smoker about.

Smokers are to be branded lazy and useless. They are to clock off whenever they indulge themselves. Caffeine addicts don't have to clock off. Neither do those who use work time for websurfing. It'll come.

Some smokers just don't smoke during working hours. I do, but then my working hours are 'when I'm awake' and I can't smoke in my sleep. This lazy smoker now runs two businesses single-handed now that the writing has gone from 'hobby' to 'business'. I work alone in both and I still have to go outside to smoke. There is no time-clock in either business so this new denormalisation won't affect me, so why am I even bothered?

I won't be affected by the ban on smoking in cars that ASH are trying to introduce, so why does it trouble me in the slightest?

Because it won't stop there. It never has and it never will. One day I might have to type these posts in the garden because there will be smoke detectors all over my house. Then, neighbours will be rewarded for reporting me for smoking in my garden. My house. My garden. Not your house or garden. Not some collectively-owned house or garden. Mine.

Already, it's perfectly okay for an employer to stipulate that they have 'smokefree premises' ie if you smoke, don't bother applying. The BNP used to deny membership to non-whites and that caused an absolute uproar. If they had denied membership to smokers, what do you think would have happened? They would have been applauded for taking such a stance.

Already, there are moves to make smokers take 'seven steps outside' so the smokophobes don't have to suffer the enormous inconvenience of enduring five seconds of a smell they don't like. That is to apply to your own home too, which means that when I go outside my own home for a smoke, I'll be smoking outside the house next door. Then there will be complaint about smokers outside smokophobes' homes. It is not going to stop. There is no point at which these people will say 'Okay, we've done enough, leave them alone now'. They will never, ever stop.

We cannot have a smokers' club staffed by smokers, not for any health reasons but because if we did, the smokophobes would have nothing to whine about. We cannot have enclosed smoking shelters because if we did, passing smokophobes would have no whiff of smoke to bleat about. We have to smoke outside so the smokophobes don't need to go into the pubs, clubs or businesses in order to complain about us. Every antismoking law is designed to make smoking more directly experienced by the smokophobes. That makes the smokophobes wail, and that is used as justification for more laws.

If tobacco is so deadly, why is it still legal? Why, if it is more evil than any street drug, if it can kill children if they so much as see a pack of it, if it can trigger cancer in a nonsmoker if they so much as touch the hem of a smoker's robe, why is it available at all?

Why are tobacco plantations not firebombed or sprayed with weedkiller, like the fields of Afghan poppies or South American cannabis? Why are no antismoking groups, anywhere, calling for any restriction at all on the production and supply of this plant? Why are they concentrating only on the end users? That is like trying to smash a crack cocaine dealer ring by taking out the crackheads one by one. It cannot work.

It's not meant to.

Tormenting people is what the smokophobes enjoy. If they stopped the supply of tobacco, how could they sneer and feel superior? They'd have nobody to look down on and they might have to face their own realities. That's only the front line smokophobes, of course.

The top brass of the antismoking industry are in it for the money. Just like the Mafia dons who supply heroin but despise the addicts. The profit margins are vast.

It's not just the duty and VAT either. Stand Fast shows how those 'tobacco company fines' work.

The antismokers persuade a government to fine the tobacco companies massive amounts of money. These fines are payable over a period of years, not at once. So the companies add the cost of the fines to their price of tobacco. They collect the fines from their customers and pass them to the government, while the government takes duty and VAT on top. It's not a punishment for the tobacco companies. It's another tax on smokers.

Governments profit, tobacco companies profit, and the Dreadful Arnott and her band of thugs get funded.

If tobacco was illegal, all that income would stop. That, antismokers, is why your heroes at ASH have not, and will never, call for tobacco to be made illegal. The more fuss you kick up, the more justification for higher taxes and pretend fines on the tobacco companies. So you are goaded into kicking smokers at every opportunity and you are delighted to act as unpaid Stasi so that the politicians and ASH can get rich.

Then there's the Pharmers with their patches and gum. If nicotine was really an addiction with a hold over the weak, the NRT would work. It doesn't. It's not meant to. So the Pharmers encourage ASH and their drones to push this stuff onto smokers, at huge expense, knowing that the smokers will go back to smoking because it's not a nicotine addiction at all. If it was, any form of nicotine would do. Then they'll use you smokophobes as unpaid pushers to bully smokers into buying their useless products again.

The smokophobes will believe anything. Absolutely anything. They believe in the diseases attributed to second hand smoke even though there are now far fewer smokers than there were when those same diseases were rare. Number of smokers goes down, incidence of a disease goes up, and the smokophobes accept without question that the increase in the disease is due to smoking. And then they call smokers 'stupid'.

I suppose lots of smokophobes cheered when they heard Nick 'Silk Cut' Clegg tell the nation that relaxing the smoking ban would be like bringing back hanging. Oh, look, they cried. Nick is one if us. Nick understands. Nick believes.

If he believes in third hand smoke and all the rest of the bollocks, why does he smoke? Just sit and think about that for a moment, smokophobes.

He does not believe it. None of them do. They just want money and control and the useful idiots who act as unpaid antismoking enforcers are giving them as much as they want of both.

I know the smokophobes think it's the smokers who are being controlled, but think a little harder. We are still smoking. If we were under control, we wouldn't be smoking. We are finding ways around every rule and regulation. We are not doing what we are told.

You are, smokophobes.

You believe all the rubbish without question. You fear the smoker with the tiny fire and ignore the double-decker bus belching fumes. You rail at the worker who takes five minutes for a smoke and ignore the one who has a two-hour lunch. You actually believe that it's the shiny packets, not ASH's insistence on advertising smoking as a rebellious practice in every news outlet, every day, that causes your children to take up smoking. You genuinely believe you'll get cancer just by being near me - thank you for that one. I have a lot of fun with it.

You have sucked up the doublethink and the lies and you are doing the same thing with the latest nonsense on alcohol. You will do it again with caffeine and with salt and fat and with anything else. You know why you're getting all this new crap to play with? It is not for your health. It is not for your children.

It is to change you, to prove you can be changed. It is to produce an unpaid army of revenue generators who will be delighted to call for more money even though you won't be getting any of it.

Smokers see right through the stupid links between smoking and every possible bad thing. Mummylonglegs has another one for you. That's right, violence and aggression now causes smoking. Oh dear, aggressive antismokers, looks like you'll be joining us soon. One more thing for you to worry about. Still, at least you'll be calmer once you join us.

All these controls aimed at smokers have, as is usual with Righteous plots, have had exactly the opposite effect. We are less under control than ever, while the antismokers all believe exactly what they are told to believe and act exactly as they are directed to act.

Antismokers, you generate enormous revenue for the likes of the Dreadful Arnott, and you do it for free.

Don't believe it? Try getting them to ban the production and distribution of tobacco. Try burning a tobacco plantation, or spraying it with weedkiller yourself, and see what happens.

There are mugs in this game, but the smokers aren't the biggest ones.