Thursday, 18 November 2010

The truth is out there. Having a smoke.

The most useful thing about Statcounter is the 'referrals' section, which points to where visitors clicked a link to get here. Tracking those back leads to some absolutely fascinating places, including a page of links to real research on smoking and diseases.

ASH don't say much about that sort of research but then, who really believes that ASH have any involvement in any real research at all? Not for them the tedium of formulating theory, collecting data and analysing it. No, they just skip straight to the 'conclusions' part and write the report. The only thing that's amazing is that their approach costs so much.

A favourite of the ASH brigade is second hand smoke, so for any passing zealots, here is a nice little roundup of research that should keep you busy.

I suppose we can take a little cold comfort in the knowledge that the utter lunacy is not confined to smoking. If you take a plane in the US now, you will be legally sexually assaulted by paid perverts. The UK will soon follow suit so watch out for the sparkly uniform on the security guard and the badge that reads 'G. Glitter, child checker'. We used to put people in jail for doing that, soon they'll all have jobs in airports. Are you travelling with a child? Please join the molestation queue at security. If you have no children, join the standard groping queue where our staff will be pleased to grasp your sweaty bits and give you a score out of ten. Don't forget to cough.

The House of Morons has a new and innovative security measure. If there is a terrorist attack, they will be instructed to Run Away. Wow, I bet it took at least five committees to come up with that. As long as the MPs manage to get through the 600-page manual entitled 'How shall we fuck off, O Lord?' before the rug-faced ruffians arrive. Oh, and no smoking, it's more dangerous than being blown into something that could be packaged by Shippams.

In fact, the lunacy has reached the point where even Iain Dale has noticed that all might not be well in Coagulation Land. I'd have thought the mere presence of Jimmy, one of his more care-in-the-community commenters, would have clued him in. Still, if even a Tory is noticing, that's something. It's more than Labour or the Lembits will ever manage. Oh wait, they lost him. He's in the jungle with Shaun Ryder, getting tips on diplomacy and honest speaking. I'd vote for Shaun Ryder. He might be a twat, but he's an honest twat. So he's miles better than what we have now, in any constituency. All we have are lying twats.

And he can eat the eyes and penis of a crocodile without flinching. I saw the clip, someone had it recorded. Gets my vote. I can imagine him facing the likes of Don Shenker and saying 'Get lost or I'll suck your eyes out and bite your dick off' - and having the film clip to prove he's not kidding. That's the kind of politician we need. Honest and hard. The kind who would respond to EU demands for even more money with a curt 'Ram it up and swivel on it' and a slammed-down phone. I'd be happy to subsidise his bar tab and second hovel.

I'm still trying to write that dystopia novel but it's a tough call. Our government are coming up with crazy ideas faster than I can. If Kafka were alive now he'd be making documentaries. Orwell would be a mere newspaper columnist. Douglas Adams would look at it all and throw down his pen in resignation. Monty Python would be the News at Ten.

I had thought of making money transactions dependent on an embedded chip which would mean dissenters might find their balance is suddenly zero. But that's nearly here. I mean, come on, give a writer a break here. Slow down just a little. Even I had not considered employing perverts as airport security guards or paying for foreign convicted murderers to launch law suits against our own government. Even if it is Vinnie the Wire.

I think I'll stick to writing about demons for now. They are far more human than most of the rest of the population of this country.

At least their actions make some kind of sense.


JuliaM said...

"In fact, the lunacy has reached the point where even Iain Dale has noticed that all might not be well in Coagulation Land."

Hallelujah! 'More joy in heaven over one...' and all that.

banned said...

Fascinating link to, ta.

On the subject of peedyfiddlya, sixtypoundsaweekkleener put up a rather good joke n Grumpys blog
"Apple have delayed their new product launch aimed at children after they realised that "iTouch Kids!" was not a good plan.

As for Googles latest wheeze some of us do pay attention when various action movies depict 'the government' routinely closing down all lines of credit for the falsly vilified hero. Wouldn't go near it with a barge-pole.

Leg-iron said...

JuliaM - the scales have not completely fallen from his eyes, but one or two have shifted a little.

Banned - imagine trying to pay for a trolley full of stuff, only to find your battery is flat...

No, I won't be buying one either.

happy mondays said...

Shaun Ryder sitting with fake Dr Gillian McKeith about to get stuck in to their spotted dick with a real kangaroo dick.
Shaun grabs the dick and merrily chews away. " Tuck in Gillian haven't you eaten a dick before"
" No I've not have you?"
" Yeah fuckin hundreds" says Shaun smirking.
Quite a funny bit from hours of boring rubbish.
Ryder is permanently banned from Channel 4 for saying " fuck". I hope they're not showing clips of "I'm a Celeb".

Neal Asher said...

Dystopia: already done it - ID implants, readerguns, shepherd robots the lot. It's called The Departure and is out next year.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Banned...I only meant it as a joke, honest! Can't get into Gotty's place now. Wot's going on?

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Gotty is back.

Leg-iron said...

Happy Mondays - that's likely to be the highlight of the series. No need to endure more.

Leg-iron said...

Neal - let me know when it's out. I do enjoy a good documentary and by this time next year, it'll be nearer the truth than anything the BBC tell us.

We'll look back on Orwell in a few years and wish he'd been right.

Leg-iron said...

£60 etc - Blogger glitches like that all the time. It's not sinister, it's just overload.

The worst is when you've written a long comment and it puts up a jolly screen that says 'Eh? Were you saying something? Sorry, lost it.'

Long posts and comments are best prepared in a WP, even if it's Notepad.

Neal Asher said...

Next August from Macmillan.

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