Tuesday, 16 November 2010


When you go to measuring my success
Don't count money, count happiness

I wondered where they got the idea. It's a really diddy idea after all, suitably produced by the Diddyman Psycho Ward Coagulation. If only Ken were here to keep them under control with his Teeth of Shiny Doom and the dreaded Hair of Entanglement.

Our ever-smiling overlords (sits like a man but he smiles like a reptile - you must know this one) are to decide how happy we are, based on one-size-fits-all questions. Which, of course, will work as well as everything else they do.

So, how is my social life? I no longer visit pubs, cafes or restaurants because of the smoking ban so it's not great. Happy? No.

Working life? I have to work for half the year just to pay the taxes, and that's not even counting VAT. Happy? No.

Gardening? The last three summers have been dreadful, cold and wet, despite the papers telling me we are experiencing the hottest years ever. I remember years in my youth where my skin actually blistered in the sun. I am not the sunbathing type. However, those years have never been back. Yet I have to pay higher fuel bills because of the myth of global warming. Happy? No.

I am not made happy by the same things as you. You might like golf or football or tennis. I don't. I like fishing, you might not. I am happiest with a good malt whisky and some good tobacco, a still, warm evening outdoors at the side of a fishing pond or river. You might despise those things. You might enjoy a night in a club with loud music and flashing lights. You won't meet me in there. Those places scare the crap out of me.

This 'happiness index' is a farce. It will be fixed and fudged and will be even less reliable than an EU annual accounting report. Every single person on the face of the planet has their own idea of what makes them happy and even with six billion of us, very few will coincide.

So what's it really for? Well, if you are happier than the other guy, you need to compensate him. He is sad, you see, and money makes it all better. So where will it lead?

Happy tax, happy tax,
You're smiling now
But that won't last.

I thank the Lords
That I've been whacked
With more than my share of
Happy tax.

Except... I am not happy

(No dwarfists saying 'So, which one are you then?' please. I'm Grumpy, if you must know.)


Billy the Fish said...

I can never hear this song without my brain altering the lyrics in my head to 'a penis'.

It makes it much more enjoyable to sing along to; especially the line that begins 'I thank the Lord that I've been blessed...'

Anonymous said...

Sorry to be slightly OT, but its 05.18 and BBC News has just said women who smoke late in pregnancy have a blah de blah blah chance of having their offspring being in the slammer.

All illustrated with stock footage of fags being put out in ashtrays - obviously not shot in a pub.

I laughed out loud when I seen it, then reached for the vodka, and a fag.

And NO, I'm not very fucking happy, so fucking quantify that you cunts...

Leg-iron said...

Billy - careful, they'll tax that too. Knob tax is only a matter of time.

Anon - an aunt of mine has never been seen not smoking. She has produced four strapping cousins, plus one adopted one, now all working, three with their own businesses and so healthy it would make you spew.

None have ever been in trouble with the law. Except maybe Frank but he was provoked. Which is never a good idea because the 'stunted growth' part obviously passed his muscles by.

he smokes too.

Anonymous said...

Billy - careful, they'll tax that too. Knob tax is only a matter of time.

Hey LI, perhaps that is why the TSA in America are copping a feel during the pat downs. Quick touch up and then a tick in the relevant tax bracket.

What a quandary, would you want to be placed in the super tax bracket or the refund group?

Anonymous said...

A knob tax? Bring it on. I will be in for a rebate for once.

It would probably be the only tax that is deliberately overpaid.

Of course the children of smokers are more likely to end up in gaol. A highter proportion of tinks smoke than do"more middle class people. They are more liikely tro be in trouble with the law because they are tinks not because of smoking.

Chapcustard said...

This can work to our advantage! We just all need to respond to the forthcoming Happiness Questionnaires in the right way....

I am proposing that none of us register any kind of happiness or contentment unless every politician that appears in public punches him or herself in the face every 20 seconds. Let's see how far the greasy bastards are willing to go in order to maintain public approval. This could mean we are treated to seeing Mr Cameron smashing his own teeth out with a crowbar whilst announcing his resignation. Happy days indeed.

Anonymous said...

Passive smoking leads to hearing loss! OMG!


What a load of fucking horse-shit


Foreign Entity said...

Passive smoking leads to madness and haemophilia. Best cure is to apply leeches to one's behind.
Prophecy fullfilled...

Amusing Bunni said...

We sure don't have much to be happy about the last few years, Leg Iron. I try to just not think about it.
If you dwell on your problems, you become even more unhappy. I try and find things that amuse & distract me, and take a nice long walk or something, and that usually cheers me up.

The more you try to find happiness, the more elusive it becomes, I've found. When you just give up and say, WTF, and just do what pleases YOU, you tend to get happier! Have a nice nite.

Also, try to avoid stress, besides making you miserable, it will kill you much faster, and make you very sick on all levels! Once the stress level alleviates, you become happier, I can vouch for that.

Anonymous said...

"Before you next light up a cigarette, consider how it could impact not only on your own long-term hearing but your friends' and relatives' too."

Shut the fuck up you idiotic cunt.

Where's me fucking ear-plugs...?

Anonymous said...

Anybody wanna take a bet on the fact that whenever this study’s results are published it will categorically state: “the study shows that people who smoke, drink or eat fatty/sweet/salty foods are significantly less happy than those who do none of those things” or words to that effect? God, I could save this Government a fortune if they’d only ask me every time they start discussing a new study or an inquiry or any kind of “investigation” – I’d simply tell them exactly what the results are going to show and they could then publish them. I’ve never been wrong yet ………..

Oh, but Chapcustard – your suggestion made me very, very happy indeed. Genius!

Neal Asher said...

'Put that cigarette out! This is a non-smoking area!'

'Sorry ... what? ... Oh, about half-past four.'

Leg-iron said...

Olly - thanks for that one.

Bunni - Stress is the cause of many bad things, and the permanent stress of being an antismoking zealot will kill them faster than a relaxing smoke will kill me.

Neal - next they'll pretend it makes us blind. Then we won't be able to see the signs either.

Will said...

Bentham, Mill, Foucault and Kant couldn't overcome the impossibility of designing a 'felicific calculus' so I would be surprised if any elected bunch of chumps could quantify happiness or utility. We know our happiness and how to achieve it better than anyone so if they really cared they'd shut up shop and leave us the fuck alone.

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