The antismoker link page still links to me. I heard they took me off there but it's automated, so the robot will keep putting me back. I am Antismoker Ringworm, I just won't go away. A nasty little irritating disease but then, that's how they see me so let's not disappoint them.
The links are full of people scared of nicotine testing. If you're worried, take up cocaine or heroin or angel dust instead. They aren't testing you for those. Only the legal stuff. The test is junk anyway but you antismokers made people believe in it.
My favourites include this nonsmoker who showed up as positive for smoking and nobody believes her. Not even some of those who answered her question. I could answer and tell her where she's getting the cotinine but... no. No compromise and no mercy. Let them feel what it's been like for us all this time.
And another one. This time all her antismokitic friends pitch in. They know she's not really yellow badge material but hey, they'e not coming over just yet, just in case. The Smoky Stasi might arrive at the same time and assume they're smokers too. Then test them. And, oh dear, what they had for lunch... the furnaces await.
This is how it goes, antismokers. Potato salad, especially if it includes tomatoes, among other things best not revealed to you for some time yet, makes you a smoker according to this test and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You are one of us. You are a witch. You can bleat 'second hand smoke' but your levels are far too high. Want to know why? I expect you do, but then you've tested positive for high cotinine so you must be a smoker. Your rules. There can be no other interpretation. You were very clear on that point.
I would never spoil your propaganda by making public the reasons you fail those tests. That would be most unsporting of me. Your tests must be right, you said so. Therefore you are secret smokers in denial. (pause for hysterical cackling) Go on, confess. Confess your secret sin. It will be less painful in the long run if you only confess now. Confess and seek forgiveness. Renounce the evil tobacco you are addicted to, as the tests prove, and you will be dispatched without pain. Otherwise, you must suffer the eternal torment of the unrepentant smoker. Your face will be surgically enhanced to resemble the Dreadful Arnott and you will endure the pointing and laughing for the rest of your days. The Smoke Inquisition you created has you now. Isn't this a lovely game?
You made this happen, antismokers. Enjoy the outcome. Isn't it funny? Well, I'm laughing my junk off right now. Don't touch it or I'll call you Gary Glitter and then call my gang, and you won't be in it.
I'm not going to put up another Joker laugh. I have a feeling I'm going to need to ration them in the coming days.
I will definitely need face paint and green hair dye. Are you listening, Santa? The ugliness, I already have.
And the maniacal laugh has recently developed. Can't think why.