Monday, 22 November 2010

Ah - hahaha. HAAAAhahahaha!

The antismoker link page still links to me. I heard they took me off there but it's automated, so the robot will keep putting me back. I am Antismoker Ringworm, I just won't go away. A nasty little irritating disease but then, that's how they see me so let's not disappoint them.

The links are full of people scared of nicotine testing. If you're worried, take up cocaine or heroin or angel dust instead. They aren't testing you for those. Only the legal stuff. The test is junk anyway but you antismokers made people believe in it.

My favourites include this nonsmoker who showed up as positive for smoking and nobody believes her. Not even some of those who answered her question. I could answer and tell her where she's getting the cotinine but... no. No compromise and no mercy. Let them feel what it's been like for us all this time.

And another one
. This time all her antismokitic friends pitch in. They know she's not really yellow badge material but hey, they'e not coming over just yet, just in case. The Smoky Stasi might arrive at the same time and assume they're smokers too. Then test them. And, oh dear, what they had for lunch... the furnaces await.

This is how it goes, antismokers. Potato salad, especially if it includes tomatoes, among other things best not revealed to you for some time yet, makes you a smoker according to this test and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You are one of us. You are a witch. You can bleat 'second hand smoke' but your levels are far too high. Want to know why? I expect you do, but then you've tested positive for high cotinine so you must be a smoker. Your rules. There can be no other interpretation. You were very clear on that point.

I would never spoil your propaganda by making public the reasons you fail those tests. That would be most unsporting of me. Your tests must be right, you said so. Therefore you are secret smokers in denial. (pause for hysterical cackling) Go on, confess. Confess your secret sin. It will be less painful in the long run if you only confess now. Confess and seek forgiveness. Renounce the evil tobacco you are addicted to, as the tests prove, and you will be dispatched without pain. Otherwise, you must suffer the eternal torment of the unrepentant smoker. Your face will be surgically enhanced to resemble the Dreadful Arnott and you will endure the pointing and laughing for the rest of your days. The Smoke Inquisition you created has you now. Isn't this a lovely game?

You made this happen, antismokers. Enjoy the outcome. Isn't it funny? Well, I'm laughing my junk off right now. Don't touch it or I'll call you Gary Glitter and then call my gang, and you won't be in it.

I'm not going to put up another Joker laugh. I have a feeling I'm going to need to ration them in the coming days.

I will definitely need face paint and green hair dye. Are you listening, Santa? The ugliness, I already have.

And the maniacal laugh has recently developed. Can't think why.

18 comments:

JuliaM said...

"Potato salad, especially if it includes tomatoes..."

...is an utter abomination, and never mind the smokers, we should be herding people who pout tomato (or *shudder* egg!) into potato salad should be first in the queue to go up against the wall.

Potatoes (preferably Jersey, when in season), chopped spring onions, Helmann's mayo and chopped chives on the top. That's all that should go into a potato salad.

Scan said...

It reminds me of the scene in Blackadder II where it's explained what happened to the last executioner:

Melchett: ...this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept.

Black Adder: He should have told them they had the wrong man.

Melchett: Oh he did, but you see they didn't; they had the right man and they had the form to prove it.

Dick Puddlecote said...

What funny (and dumb) people. :)

And these incredibly accurate tests are the same ones they use in those incredibly accurate passive smoking studies.

There are ten born every minute these days.

Anonymous said...

Bit off topic here but this morning I was on the phone with my bank (HSBC) applying for a 7k loan for a car.

They asked me the usual questions (income, place of employment etc) and then asked me (swear to God) "Do you smoke?"

Why? They want to take into account my cigarette expenditure when determining if I can get the loan.

Un-f*cking-believable.

Eddie Willers said...

Re: Smoking and HSBC loan

makes sense to me - with fags costing so much, when bought 'officially', one probably spends 50 or 60 quid a week...that's a lot over a month when thinking about income v. expenditure.

JuliaM said...

So why not ask about other expensive hobbies?

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

My council recently sent out questionnaires to every householder. Questions asked: do you smoke? how many cigs a week? how much do you drink a week? do you suffer from mental health problems? what do you think of the police? are they doing a good job? are a car driver? And others...

I binned it immediately. None of their business as far as I was concerned. If they want to know how many people suffer from mental health problems in the area, for statistical reasons for instance, they can always ask the GPs how many patients they have on their books.

Two weeks later, another questionnaire popped through my letterbox, plus a letter saying, "We have noticed that you haven't filled this in yet..."

Grr....how long before I get carted off to the house of correction? Vee hav vays...

Anonymous said...

LI

Well it certainly made me smile.

Knowledge is one thing, but there's nothing quite as satisfying as a real-world demonstration.

I will be sure to give myself a slap for lack of empathy - when I've finished grinning.

Rose

JuliaM said...

"Two weeks later, another questionnaire popped through my letterbox, plus a letter saying, "We have noticed that you haven't filled this in yet...""

Just tick every single box and send it back. They'll get the message... :)

Anonymous said...

Anti-smokers remind me of in the Bible where Pontius Pilate has two prisoners to be executed. One is Barabas, a known criminal who was proven to be both a thief and a murderer. The other was Jesus Christ, proven to have healed the sick, raised the dead and told the truth on matters, which was a direct threat by the Pharisees who held onto power and control through political manipulations, lies and thuggery.

When given the choice, the people shouted to release Barabas, kill Jesus, and so they did.

Eventually the anti-smokers will be caught up in their own game as they continually wish to honour and adore the lies and sins brought about from lying - while constantly wishing to denounce and crucify, the truth.

If they get caught up in their own game, then so be it. It serves them the justice they have been calling for all along and it will be too late to rescue them from their fate, brought about by all their sinning, or adoring and honouring of the lies, which is their own ungodly cruelties coming back to their source.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Well yes, there's a lot of it about.

Anonymous said...

Yep, Gillian McKeith finally shows her anti-smoking credentials on I'm a Celeb. Insane? Yes! Selfish? Yes! Lying and manipulative? Yes! But now she had a go at Shaun Ryder for smoking (outside - let's not forget their jail has no roof) whilst, yes, stood in the column of smoke being generated by the campfire. "You can't smoke in here!" she barked (later saying, after we had seen the VT) "I asked him ever so nicely and he gave me a mouthful of abuse!"

Sound familiar? The fact that none of them twigged that Ryder had a few grams of leaves which he was going to burn and they were stood next to several kilos of burning wood and leaves which was belching smoke all over them, is just astonishing and shows how far the brainwashing has gone. Fags obvioulsy produce "magic smoke" that makes them dangerous. My God anti-smokers really are the scum of the universe. Mindless automatons, too.

Then again, the fact that a woman roundly described as "vile," "mad", "selfish", "insane", pathetically unhealthy" etc on all forums and who is clearly not liked by the normal general public is an anti-smoker should come as no surprise. As soon as I saw her she just stank of ASH. Yes, people of Britain, it is people like this woman who are now running your life.

Think it's just about smoking now, or are you starting to cotton on to the fact that these people are quite simply deranged?

Anonymous said...

Weren't they testing pregnant women for smoking not so long ago.

Even if they said no I don't, they
were not believed and tested anyway.

I love this mission creep, it's the only way the lunacy will end, when enough non-smokers are stigmatised as well.

Funny tho' that they need a test to identify a smoker, I thought we were easily recognisable.
Yellow fingers, wrinkled skin, low IQ, the 'stench' etc etc...

Oh well , happy days.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Anon 20.19. The anti-smoking movement must have been squirming in their seats when the McKeith woman started complaining about Shaun Ryder smoking in the camp's open-air "prison." If ever there was a personification of the stereotypical po-faced anti-smoker which the movement has been trying to escape for so long, it must surely be her. I bet this evening's episode has done more damage to the whole anti-smoking campaign than any number of government cuts could dream of!

And didn't you just love Dom Joly's comment about her tonight: "There she is, sitting all on her own, hunched over her little tin of Vegan Gruel!"

I think I might need to borrow LI's Joker laugh for a while .......

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Leg-iron

Someone calling himself Erpfish has lifted your observation about potato salad and tomato and left a comment to that effect on the Webmd site 15 hours ago. Good job you were merely spreading disinformation (nudge, nudge ...)


It's interesting that the US insurance companies are testing for smoking (ie they assume their customers are lying), and charging a higher premium for smokers. I understood that there was no or little difference between smokers' and non-smokers' health.

One wonders whether there is a significant difference, or they are testing simply because they can, and it makes more work for the boys in the testing industries.

What they will be testing us for in the future?

DP

Leg-iron said...

JuliaM - I remain in ignorance of the contents of potato salad, other than it has potatoes and some mushy stuff in there.

The only sensible treatment for a potato is roasting, or cutting into strips and deep-frying.

Leg-iron said...

£60aweek etc - A suggestion for that form.

'Do you suffer from mental health problems?' - No, but everyone else does. They watch me everywhere I go because they know I'm the only normal one.

'What do you think of the police?' - I think they're all very tall.

Fill it in right and you'll get to spend the winter in a nice warm room at the Shady Rest Home for Weary Minds. Save a fortune on heating bills.

Leg-iron said...

Thinking about it, Shaun Ryder should have simply responded 'We're in prison. It's legal to smoke in prison.'

The nonsmokers being penalised for smoking when they don't is unfair, of course, but unless these ridiculous rules are shown up for what they are, they'll only get worse.

That means we just have to let those nonsmokers take it. Even the ones who aren't antismokers. Because nobody is listening to the smokers.

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