Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Smokers can't have friends.

Fourth hand smoke is here.

If you are not a smoker, but spend time with a smoker, you have picked up the deadly third hand smoke and turned it into the even more deadly fourth hand smoke. It won't hurt you, you are merely the carrier of the Dreadful Thing. It will leap from you into the eyes of the nearest child and blind them instantly. Then it will reach into the nasal cavity of the child's parents and implant the urge to buy a grey box from behind a screen.

Last month, third hand smoke would have killed you for the crime of being with someone who smokes even if they are not actually smoking. The purpose of that was to scare you into not associating with smokers, so they would be isolated. It didn't work well enough, some nonsmokers persisted in being friends with smokers. So your terrible addiction to talking to addicts must be cured by peer pressure.

Now, by the powers infested in the Dreadful Arnott and her drones, third hand smoke will not kill you if you are friends with a smoker. It will still kill you if you aren't, but not if you are. If you are friends with a smoker you are not the victim, you are the Smoker's Evil Henchmen and will spread the smoky deadliness far and wide.

And so the smoker is further isolated because his non-smoking friends cannot associate with him or they face public censure and soon, quite possibly, the loss of their jobs.

Listen up, antismokers. You are failing cotinine tests already. Next time you fail one, watch all your friends disappear too. They can't associate with you any more - even though they've never seen you smoke, the test proves it. You're a secret smoker.

I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm a real smoker, you see, so nothing I could possibly say will have any value.

(Oh, it's late. Look up the Joker laugh on YouTube yourself this time. Nonsmokers are now entitled to one too. Antismokers are not).

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just incredible how gullible people are. And I used to wonder how the Germans let the Nazis rise to power. Simple really just repeat ad infinitum something that is total bollocks and people will swallow it whole. Don't know about fourth-hand smoke but this is first-hand stupidity.

So no doubt fifth-hand is a non-smoker exposed to someone who's been exposed to fourth-hand smoke?

Anonymous said...

@anon 8:28

yes, I used to ponder a lot about nazi germany last century too. Now it's just business as usual.

Anonymous said...

Let me get this straight, we've now got up to 4 links (smoker - 2nd hand - 3rd hand - 4th hand), si? 2 more 'hands' and, under the rules of 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, that's the whole planet contaminated (including the Dreadful Arnott).

Oh no! It's worse than we thought!

Utter, utter, utter bolleaux.

JuliaM said...

Is this the point at which sensible people finally realise that the anti-smoking industry has jumped the shark?

I keep hoping that they will, but they keep disappointing me...

I am Stan said...

Yo Leggy,

Non smokers stink of either BO or soap and cheap perfumes,many of them carry the stench of righteousness too...beware the non-smoker!...

I prefer dogs, they`ll catch you a rabbit for the pot,warn off burglars,keep you warm on a cold evening and retrieve sticks,when did a non-smoker ever do that for you?

manwiddicombe said...

I thought fourth hand smoke was this.

:D

Chief_Sceptic said...

Loving it ! ...

The more desperate the "ban or control everything" mob get, the more people realise how absurd the various claims \ assertions are ...

Me ? - I'm just terrified (as a non-smoker) - that 7th. hand smoke will smite me 'thigh and breast' !!! ...

Anarchyland said...

4th hand smoke.. that was fucking fast. Hasn't it been less than a year since 3rd hand smoke??

My guess is they are trying to prop up a rapidly crumbling edifice.

The anti-smoking dam is rotten through the core, my guess is. My advice would be to rub your hands together in glee - They're panicking.. :D

Anonymous said...

I'm lagging behind the abbreviations - SHS, THS, FHS, FO-FFS.

Anonymous said...

This is a very interesting development, because as far as I am aware, this is the first time that the anti-smoking movement has actively encouraged non-smokers to shun and persecute other non-smokers, rather than just shunning smokers themselves. The movement really does now resemble a madman in a dying frenzy, babbling hysterically and nonsensically, thrashing around and drooling, and lashing wildly out at everyone around him, even those who are trying to help him. God, I wish I knew what was really going on behind the closed doors of the committee rooms of ASH and their associated anti-smoking organisations. To now be trying to find a new target group, even from amongst those who they believed were their supporters, is a real, real sign of genuine fear.

So, quite apart from being highly amusing as a concept in itself (I mean, honestly, who came up with such an idea?), I’d read “fourth hand smoke” as a very positive sign indeed. Bring on "fifth-hand smoke!"

Anonymous said...

as mentioned above "6th hand smoke" should ensure a smoke-free planet, everyone from Kevin Bacon downwards will be keeling over.

What desperate nonsense (a bit like SHS).

Anonymous said...

" .... everyone from Kevin Bacon downwards ...."

Is there a downwards from there?? (Only joking, Kevin - love you really!) Or could it be that he is immune from tobacco smoke because he's already been "smoked?"

Get it? "Smoked?" "Bacon?" Or am I (as usual) getting the punchline five minutes after everyone else has finished giggling? Yeah, thought so (sigh).

I'll get my coat .......

Leg-iron said...

Stan - what you need is a beagle. Make sure he buys his own though.

Leg-iron said...

It's rapidly falling apart, isn't it? Next there'll be unsubstantiated claims about Electrofag, backed up by the sort of research that went into 'five-a-day' and alcohol units per week.

Nope, they've already done that.

Leg-iron said...

I hadn't thought of that six degrees of separation thing.

It says that we are all only six connections away from everyone else on the plant. As individuals.

As groups, the degree of separation will be much less. So maybe Tobacco Armageddon has already happened and we're all statistically dead now.

In which case, there's nothing more to worry about.

Oh, and we don't have to pay tax if we are scientifically proven to be dead.

Chief_Sceptic said...

" Oh, and we don't have to pay tax if we are scientifically proven to be dead " ...

Excellent idea ! - now, how can I get myself legally pronounced dead ? - got to be a winner ...

Anonymous said...

I'm absolutely loving the six degree's angle. The funniest thing I've read all year.

I listened to the audio book 'Linked' by Albert-László Barabási several years ago and it had a profound effect on me.

Kudos to Anonymous for making the link :)Wish I had thought of it.

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