Thursday, 17 March 2011

Questions, questions.

Just opened Blogger's spam-cage again. I can't work out its criteria for defining spam, sometimes it just takes a dislike to a comment and locks it up.

I haven't taken the census form out of the envelope yet. There was something much more important in today's mail. A letter from those nice people at Reader's Digest telling me I could win pots of money by spending some. I knew it was coming because they always send me a little letter a week or so before, to tell me they are sending a bigger letter later. Perhaps they worry that my letterbox won't be big enough so they send a early warning so I can get it enlarged. If they stopped all the letters, and once a year sent me half of what they would have spent on postage and printing, we'd both be better off.

Reader's Digest letters get a simple treatment. If there is a 'No' envelope included, I'm interested. If not, it's chimenea starter material. I don't read the advertisements at all, they go straight in the kindling bag. Then I consider whether it's worth risking the price of a stamp for the extraordinarily slim chance of winning some money. Sometimes I go for it, sometimes not. I suspect it doesn't really affect my chances either way.

What always baffles me is that the draw has always already taken place. So if I've won, they already know. If they told me I'd won I'd buy the books.

I decided to chance the stamp on this one. It's cheaper than the lottery.

Sooner or later I'll have to look at that census. SadbutMadLad provides a helpful rundown of the questions and answers on Anna Raccoon's site. My answers will differ slightly.

P17 Does anyone know the Welsh for 'No, I don't speak a word of Welsh'?

P20 Religion - smoker. They were okay with Jedi last time, which is entirely based on fiction. Smoker is at least based on real life and therefore is more realistic as a religion than Jedi. Especially as Jedi only appear in films, and smoking only appears in real life.

P34 I don't have a job title. I'm the only one in this business, in fact the only one in both businesses now that the writing has become real work. The nearest I've ever come up with is 'Rogue scientist' so that will have to do. Perhaps 'Fictional rogue scientist' to cover both the research and the writing. Now I come to think of it, that's one step away from just writing 'Dr. Frankenstein'. Oh, that's tempting.

P37 Main activity of the business? To generate money for booze and fags. What other activity could possibly matter?

Some of the others will be difficult.

P3 Date of birth. If I fill this in, I will be repeating hearsay. Other people have told me when I was born but I was too young to remember. So answering this question is risky since I cannot personally attest to its accuracy. Perhaps I should tell them to ask my mother. I'm fairly sure she was there.

Q9 Number of rooms. I can fit into the cupboard under the stairs so is that a room? How about the attic? I have a garage with no car so it's just a room with a very big door. My lounge and dining room are continuous - is that one room or two? Built-in wardrobes could be considered a room within a room, as could a very large box. My garden has chairs and tables in it, does that count as a room? How about the shed and the greenhouse? There is an inner door inside the front door, does the space between them count as a separate room? Do hallways count? Since I am at a different level on every stair, does each stair count as a room or should I include the staircase as one room? I feel the urge to torment an official by telephone coming on.

You know, I think this census could be fun. I'll smoke while filling it in so there might - just might - be a bit of ash in between the pages.

Tomorrow I'll take it out of the envelope and let it saturate with third hand smoke.


Raphe said...

I thought I might put "EU referendum" as my religion.

Diesel said...

Na, dydw i ddim yn siarad gair o Gymraeg

George Speller said...

Mine will say "smoker" but in Runic script. Yes there will be ash all over it, plus maybe some of that gross juice that collects in the bottom of my pipe. I would recommend carring it around in your back pocket for a week or so to make sure it's sufficiently tatty, and it should obviously carry a "caution handled by smokers" warning.

Captain Ranty said...

Even your name is hearsay.

If you are expected to start filling in the form with some lawfully dodgy information, why not carry on in the same vein?

You can have endless fun with this.

I am going to use this damned form to pick a fight with the government. Maybe I will end up in court so that should be a laugh. My job is hinder the government in every way so it will be interesting to hear what they have to say. (More hearsay!).


Anonymous said...

Fy mochyn yn araf.

That's Welsh for, "My pig is slow".

Anonymous said...

Religion - Charlie sheen
Job title - dogs body
Work activities - as little as possible

Angry Exile said...

"If they stopped all the letters, and once a year sent me half of what they would have spent on postage and printing, we'd both be better off."

They'd just write to you in September to tell you to get a really big letter box fitted before Easter.

Since I am at a different level on every stair, does each stair count as a room or should I include the staircase as one room?

My wife suggests that the middle step is a mezzanine level. She adds that in fact you possibly have a number - perhaps half a dozen or more - mezzanine levels each connected by its own staircase of at least one step. She swears that she has never worked in real estate.

James Dunworth said...

Dim syriad yn cymraeg.

The Bard of Kirriemuir said...

Religion - 7th Day Agnostic Biker
Work Activities - 8 hours a day spent staring at a computer screen the same as every other poor bastard in this once glorious manufacturing nation
Employer's business - filling his wallet without passing anything on to the guys who actually manufacture his products.

There'll doubtless be more once the alcoholically fuelled creative juices start flowing ....

someday said...

I shall just ignore it.


WV: phewi


sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

I don't feel like putting down something as mundane as 'cleaner', I fancy something a bit more exotic. Like anti-dirt specialist, or parrot cage attendant, cobweb inspector...

subrosa said...

Oh I do have a job title. It's 'Irritating those who profess to represent me'. Their addresses are a couple of places. My wage is 'satisfaction at times'.

As for the rest, I will fill in every box with a yes/no or n/a to avoid anyone completing it on my behalf. I can't get green ink that someone recommended.

I intend to return mine by post - I've no wish to give them my ISP, let them find it for themselves.

Of course I'll get a receipt of postage.

Leg-iron said...

Diesel, James D - thanks.

Scan - My grandmother used to call my brother and I, when we came home covered in grime, 'mochyn ddu'. The PC crowd would have a fit if they heard it now.

Leg-iron said...

£60aweek - How about 'The Degriminator', or 'Cleanliness Outreach Officer'?

If the council's ashtray-sniffer can have a fancy title, everyone can have one.

Leg-iron said...

SR - good point. Blank boxes are an invitation for someone to take a guess.

Also, proof of posting, just in case the Treasury think it's clever to bring down the deficit with a few extra fines.

Maybe even recorded delivery. Imagine if they had to sign for every single form...

SadButMadLad said...

I never thought that my post would generate some many different ways of not filling in the census form. Maybe it could be the new Jedi equivalent?

Feel free to copy and paste the suggestions everywhere and anywhere and please add your own.

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