Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Laminate your child.

It's the only way to be sure. Get yourself a big tub of latex or some other plastic compound and seal that child from the outside world. Better yet, encapsulate them in acrylic. They can then never breathe a single speck of dust, never be exposed to smoke and they'll be safe from paedos and bullies too.

Parents, think of the benefits. You'll always know exactly where your child is, and they'll make a handy doorstop, vase stand or coffee table. Their clothes will never get dirty so you'll only need one set and since acrylic encapsulation has been proven to stop further growth (a study has shown this, honest) they won't ever grow out of that one set of clothes. No toilet training, no feeding, no arguing about bedtime, no grimy fingerprints all over the house, no vet - I mean doctor - bills and no demands for the latest gadgetry. Think of the savings. Oh, and think of the silence.

Go on. You know you want to. They'll be utterly safe in there forever. You can even smoke with them in the car because not even tobacco smoke can get through acrylic (another study has shown this, honest, acrylic is the only compound known to man that tobacco smoke can't get through).

Imagine your relief as you take down the four-inch lead shielding from the nursery, that was only guaranteed to stop 92% of tobacco smoke from a smoker five miles away. An acrylic casing makes your child utterly smokeproof. They can never take up the evil habit either since they will not be capable of asking for the under-the-counter non-approved stuff like cigarettes, salt and books. Shopkeepers will refuse to sell anything containing tobacco, alcohol, salt, fat or sugar to a child encased in a sufficiently thick acrylic block (a study has shown).

So do it now, before a single particle of third hand smoke enters your child's body and fills them with cancer of the elbow, dandruff, rabies, Wanker's Wrist, sarcotic mange, laminitis and distemper. Seal them in before a passing smoker contaminates them with impure thoughts and heretical ideas. Smokers do this just by looking at them so keep your children where smokers cannot see them, for their own safety. Encase them while they are healthy and before the tumours blossom, because let's face it, nobody likes a lumpy child.

When every child in the UK is fully protected inside their (ideally opaque) acrylic block, then fascist idiots like Julie Barratt can stop pushing their Nazi final solution on us and we can all get back to real life.

“Parents should know that the only way to protect children from the negative effects of smoking in a car is not to smoke in it at all.”

It's not the only way. There is another way. Ban children.

They seem to be causing pretty much every problem we have these days so just ban the lot.


JuliaM said...

What annoys me most about the salt thing isn't the council, for once. It's their nature, after all, like the scorpion.

It's that so far, every MSM story on this has featured the triumphant, smug face of the brassy cow from the fish & chip shop that's rushed to be one of the first to implement this scheme. 'Customers often ask for salt without thinking', she proclaims. No, love, they ask for salt because they like salt on their chips.

And if they want salt (or ketchup, or chilli sauce, or toffee sauce, or even *shudder* mayo), what business is that of you, a chip-shop manager? Your business is to sell chips.

More than anything, more even than the clear-out of nannying council officials, I'd like to see these shops boycotted by their customers, until they realise that going along (enthusiastically or not) with these schemes will bring repercussions.

It should be easy. The council's given them little stickers to put in the window.

PT Barnum said...

Barratt says she is/was "hesitant about banning people from engaging in what is technically a legal habit". WTF? as young people say. So the legality of smoking is a mere 'technicality'? Well, I'm sure she thinks that can be cleared up with a small amendment to the handbook.

PT Barnum said...

I've just read the salt story and the most recent comment was this one:

This scheme has not been thought through properly. In the unlikely event that it works we will be left with thousands of additional northerners. What are we meant to do with them?

- Shayne, Darkly Noon, 31/3/2011 09:42

Tee hee!

Anonymous said...

That's funny and I'm a Northerner. What won't be funny is thousands of old people keeling over and dying in hot weather through lack of salt.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Ah, the euphemistically named lefties, CIEH. I was wondering when the push for banning smoking in all cars was going to start. It's the official policy of the RCP and was hinted at by ASH last year.

Never think they will be happy with just thinking of the chiiildren. As ex-ASH Scotland supremo, Maureen Moore, once said "smokers need protecting from second hand smoke too".

You could have a minibus full of chain smokers but they will still want it smokefree.

Amusing Bunni said...

At the risk of sounding like a grump, I think the idea of banning children is WONDERFUL! They are ill mannered, noisy, dirty, annoying, etc. etc. and I would be perfectly happy if I never had to hear one again.

opinions powered by