Wednesday, 9 March 2011

It's fun being evil.

Last night of Visitors. I will return to solitary grumpiness tomorrow, catch up on Emails, answer comments and resume proper blogging through a blue haze twice as thick as usual. I had forgotten one of the delights of pipe smoking, in that a gentle and continuous exhalation through a well-lit pipe can produce a 'factory chimney' effect and fill a room with aromatic smoke in seconds.

Despite the best efforts of those who want to spoil my fun with the truth, I will insist that all this smoke will travel through spacetime via special cigarette-shaped wormholes and seek out antismokers all over the planet, especially those who like to call for the Final Solution in every issue of the Daily Mail. Yes, you too can experience the wonder of nicotine-flavoured toenails, spontaneous generation of infections, exploding heart and lumpy lung by doing no more than reading your computer screen and curling your lip. Now that's equality.

I will, naturally, be oiling my internal blogging parts with alcohol, the better to let the bile flow. Unless the Man Whose Name Cannot Be Parodied has succeeded in banning it by then. I have stocks for a while at least and it wouldn't take long to make more if it came to that. It's all the same methods as used on smoking, naturally, and all the same idiot drones who latched onto the hate wagon last time will be riding this one too. I must prepare tales of woe and despair for them, of how the fumes from an open wine bottle can pass through walls and burrow into their children's ears where it will fester and grow until their eyes pop out on stalks.

I will consider it my public duty to explain to them that if they let their sprogs wander the booze aisle, they risk arrest and prosecution for child abuse. One sip of ginger beer and their kids are destined for a life in the gutter, soaked in urine (some of it their own) and shouting 'Graaah!' at passers-by. I will, however, make no attempt to conceal my mirth when the few cases so far reported of adults being refused alcohol 'in case they give it to the child who is with them' becomes the normal sales approach in every shop. Will my laughing anger them? Well it's about time something did.

Oh, and let's not forget alcohol's homeopathic tendency to become extra-toxic when present in tiny and barely detectable quantities, as found on every article of clothing in every charity shop and every item in any shop anywhere that anyone who likes a glass of sherry might have breathed. Then there is the accumulation of alcohol in their toenails for those who haven't already ripped theirs out to escape the nicotine horror.

It won't be hard. The idiots are already primed to accept any old nonsense. They enjoy being terrified of everything. I'm just being helpful and socially responsible here.

They want to be weak and worthless. Help them on their way.

And I haven't even started on cough medicine or after-shave yet.

Well, best get some sleep. Tomorrow I have much smoking to do and as Ed P pointed out, tomorrow is ASH Wednesday.

I hope I have enough lighter fuel.


Anonymous said...

It's double-ASH Wednesday - the one having to do about God - the other about having to do with those who know more than God and feel fit to rule in His place.

I noticed on my bottle of Teriyaki sauce, one of the ingredients is wine. So I guess oriental food is off the menu for having no safe level of alcohol along with lots of other things that were perfectly okay up until a few days ago when declared taboo.

Woman on a Raft said...

Do Bach Flower Remedies count?

They use alcohol as a solvent and a preservative.

What about Angostura Bitters? They are very popular with slimmers as a flavouring for "cocktails" when the old calorie count has to be cut drastically.

Also, although the beauticians argue about it, I use alcohol as a preservative and solvent in some skin toners - am I going to become a tramp because I use some on a cotton-wool swab? If so, does that mean I can't use it when I blend fragrances?

Barnacle Bill said...

I think the next time I put something on eBay I shall be telling people it comes from a pipe smoking zoo.
That should get the bids rolling in!

Francis Urquhart said...

It is difficult to know how one can discourage young people from starting smoking without persecuting those responsible adults who exercise their freedom of choice.

Do you have any views on this?


Ruphus said...

I stopped smoking about 4 years ago after being a smoker for years because I suddenly started noticing a really nasty aftertaste regardless of what I smoked. I still get it now when I try one, but despite this I have obtained a large Churchill style cigar to smoke on the way to the pub this evening, in celebration of this most important day. I live in a part of the world where the tax on cigars is substantially less than the arm, leg and firstborn child that they demand in the UK, so if it has the desired effect this could become a habit.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to burn some old tyres.
He he he ......

Oldrightie said...

I have never smoked. My late folks, one surviving sister and one departed, all did. It is a dangerous past time but so is driving, sky diving, crossing the road, booze (my big vice)in fact living is dangerous and the biggest killer of all is old age. ban that next, I suppose.

Anonymous said...

Dear Real Leg-iron

I may yet acquire a cigarette or two to celebrate this day and encourage others to share.

One thought - where do those nice people at ash stand on joss sticks? Or incense used in certain religious ceremonies? That is smoking indoors and in a place of work.

We should be told.


1 July is National Smoking Day – light up a big one, have a barbecue and a bonfire.

Anonymous said...

@ F U

You do not 'discourage' young people, you 'tell them'.

By the way, LI, my 'weed seeds' are sprouting!

Anonymous said...

Hello, Leg-Iron

I haven't commented here before but have been reading attentively for the past year or so.

I have cited a few of your quotes here (post also features Dr Nutt (!), ASH and Labour MPs who supported paedophilia yet were against tobacco):


Anonymous said...

Dear Real Leg-iron


I managed to 'borrow' a cigarette from someone a few hours ago - the first in approx 20 odd years.

I shall invest in some very small Havanas for National Smoking Day - 1 July and plan a large bonfire and a barbecue for the evening...


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