Holyrood campaign on behalf of the SNP.

There has been much ado about the release of someone called Mr. Mudguard from prison. Apparently Mr. Mudguard was convicted of the Lockerbie bombings - I'm not saying he was involved and I'm not saying he was made a scapegoat, I don't know either way. That's now beside the point.

Scottish law allows for 'compassionate release' of prisoners who are likely to die shortly. It saves having to clear up stinky corpses from the cells and stops other prisoners worrying about being haunted by the likes of 'Poker' MacRamrod and 'Crikey, that's a marrow' MacWhopper. Agree with it or otherwise, that's the law.

So when doctors said that Mr. Mudguard only had three months to live, the SNP government ordered his release. They didn't do it to spite Labour, they didn't do it to spite Barry O'Blimey, they did it because well, they didn't really have a choice. It's the law. Doctors said he was about to croak, the law says they have to let him go home.

Now, Scottish Labour (who actually promote nothing of the kind) insist the SNP issue an apology for following the law. Why? Because Mr. Mudguard didn't die as instructed by British doctors but was instead saved, and has maybe a couple more years in him, after seeing some Libyan doctors.

It seems to me that it might be worth talking to those Libyan doctors because they're better at treating terminal cancer cases than ours. They are keeping Mr. Mudguard alive long after ours had given up on him. Nobody has noticed that. They are all far too concerned that someone has lived beyond his legally-allocated time to wonder why that should be.

Al the Oily Fish should not, indeed must not apologise for working within the law. There are damn few instances of that in politics as it is. He should simply point out that MSPs are not in a position to predict the life expectancy of cancer patients and therefore they must rely on the expert testimony of the doctors. If the doctors screw up, they should apologise. Not the government.

Go on, Al. Just once. Let them demand that apology in Holyrood. Let them howl for it with impassioned lies and deep insincerity.

Then stand up, clear your throat and say 'Ach, awa' an' bile yer heid, ya wee bawbag'. Then take a swig of Buckfast and sit down. The reaction would be well worth seeing, don't you think?

And while doing that, you might want to consider how the smoking ban will affect my campaign on your behalf. Oh, I agree you have nothing to apologise for - indeed, in upholding the law to the letter, you have much to take pride in but then I'm a smoker and you have laws about me too. They don't include giving me three months without punishment, not even at the end. I also realise that few people have ever, or will ever hear this argument and even if they do it's not going to cut any ice with them.

This is Lockerbie we're talking about, Al. The town that terrorists crashed a plane into. Not quite the body count of 9/11 but for Scotland, it's pretty much an equivalent feeling. Let's face it. This was one time when you could have ignored the law and most people would have been on your side.

And don't forget, Oily Al, I'm a smoker. The lowest of the low. Filth of the sort you wouldn't scrape off your shoe - you'd throw those shoes away and buy new ones.

Also, don't forget why that is. You helped put me there. You're still helping. Your party is doing all it can to make me into the level of filth that if you stepped in it, you'd throw away every stitch you were wearing, scrub yourself in Dettol and buy a whole new wardrobe. Not just the clothes, the wardrobe too. This is where you helped to put me. This is where you are still kicking me and stamping me down harder.

So it should come as no surprise when I reveal my newest campaign slogan on behalf of the SNP.

"Vote SNP - set a terrorist free."

Catchy, isn't it? Very chantable, if I say so myself.

Hey, Oily Al, I did not choose to be your enemy. You chose that. I'm just trying to live up to your expectations.

How am I doing? Filthy and despicable enough yet, or should I try harder? It all depends on what your government does to me next.

Your move.