I remember Emmerdale when Seth the poacher was in it. That was back when Mother owned the TV and there were only four channels, so there were rarely arguments. Arguing with Mother was never a clever idea anyway. Nobody ever won.
Most of the show took place in the pub, a spit-and-sawdust affair called the Woolpack. I hadn't realised it was a real, actual pub. You would think that capitalising on years of TV fame and free advertising a couple of times a week would do wonders for such a place. All those soap addicts would love to be able to say they'd had a drink in there.
Apparently not. It is closing down.
Nichola McGrath, who ran the pub with her husband, said: "In summer, it’s very busy here but in winter it’s deadly quiet and the two just don’t make up for each other."
In a spectacular display of evading the obvious, commenters blame cheap supermarket booze for the closure of this and all pubs. Because, as everyone is aware, supermarkets only sell cheap booze in winter. In summer, pub prices are more attractive.
That must be the reason, surely. I mean, what other aspect of the pub trade could be affected so dramatically by the seasons?
In the words of Rolf Harris - "Can you see what it is yet?"
Sadly, our government cannot. Even when the last pub has closed, they still won't see it. Even when there's a Smoky-Drinky on every street, fuelled by imported, duty-free booze and tobacco (all legal and as long as we are in the EU, there is nothing the Puritans can do about it), they won't see it. Even when their tax take on booze and tobacco has gone, they won't understand why.
They can't stop us smoking and drinking. The EU won't let them. They can shut down the pubs and clubs but they cannot stop Smoky-Drinky no matter what they try. It doesn't even have a fixed location. If we leave the EU, there'll be no funding for those idiotic pressure groups so the government will finally have to leave us alone.
Either way, light up and raise a glass. We cannot lose.
Oh, and if any of those officials who like to know everything we do happens by, think about this. You can eavesdrop in a pub. You can infiltrate a club. You can't in a Smoky-Drinky. If you're not known to us and trusted, you won't get in.
So, now you can't know what we're discussing in there.
I don't know what it is about the new Nazis, but they can't seem to get anything right. They can't even make the trains run on time.