Free Sex for Cripples.

I considered other titles, such as 'Iron Leg Over', or 'At least the middle one works' but went for the least PC because it will annoy the most Righteous out there.

It's true, apparently. Certain councils are paying for prostitutes for the disabled. It's all about 'outcomes' they say, and they kept a straight face while saying it (which is more than I did while reading it. "Oh, what a marvellous outcome," he ejaculated). The 'outcome' is apparently to turn a sad and dejected disabled bloke into a happy disabled bloke, and the method by which this is achieved is of no consequence. The end justifies the means.

Not surprising, then, that they chose a method that turns any straight bloke of any body shape or mental capacity into a happier version of himself. There is no mention of whether gigolos are available for disabled women or whether the disabled gay is similarly catered for, or whether kosher or halal hookers are on their lists. I do hope they are not applying this lunacy in a discriminatory fashion. That would be wrong.

Why do they think this is in any way right?

Liz Sayce, chief executive of disability network Radar, said the desire for sexual relations was a matter of human rights, meaning cases involving payments should be carefully examined on a "case by case" basis.

So if you're disabled you have a human right to an occasional game of hide the sausage. If you're in full health with all body parts present and accounted for, you don't. If you're not disabled and you procure a business arrangement with a lady of the night, you will be frowned on by a wrinkled man in a wig who will bash a hammer on a table and pronounce 'gross diversion' as the label for the dog. Then he'll take your money so you can't do it again.

If you hack off a limb, you can get a quick poke courtesy of the council tax payer and the wrinkled man in the wig will smile fondly and call you 'pet'.

It makes me wonder if this particular wench of the evening might have turned down a council commission. Well, my brain makes odd connections sometimes. It's how I earn a living.

The whole business of sex in this country has become bizarre. Five-year-olds getting sex lessons while parents are routinely terrified with pictures of Gary Glitter. Women dressed ever more provocatively while men become more wary of saying 'hello' in case she screams 'Sexual Abuse!' Councils are happy to fork out so the disabled can use prostitutes while banning the prostitutes from prostitution and criminalising their non-disabled customers. Children suspected of being abused are taken into care and put in homes where they can learn what 'abuse' really means.

No wonder the birth rate is falling. We're not even sure it's legal any more. Do your danglies count as an offensive weapon yet? Women have used their baby buffets in criminal activities while the NHS is demanding they squirt the juice or starve the baby. Work it out. I can't. Fortunately I'm too old to bother.

No wonder cases of repetitive strain injury are on the rise. It's only a matter of time before it's renamed 'Wanker's Wrist'.

It's good being old enough to think back on conquests past (it doesn't take long) and not have to worry about it any more. It must be hell to be young and exploratory now. It's a minefield out there - the kids are taught about sex from an early age but as soon as they try it, they're done for.

Unless they succumb to being pets of the Righteous. Then they can get it courtesy of the taxpayer who isn't getting any.

Any prostitute refusing to bed a spaz can be easily banned, so they'll soon be pets too. I used to keep fish and breed them. If you're a pet of the Righteous, you'll eventually find you actually have no more human rights than those guppies and platys I used to keep in a tank. They are breeding you now. They will produce spastitutes for future control.

What happened to the Tories? Did their balls drop off? They used to be big fans of wild sex. David Mellor, whose face must surely count as a disability, had a sex scandal with a woman who wasn't even registered blind. Even Monochrome Man, 'Interesting' John Major, had a scandalous affair with one woman(ish) while blaming another.

Now we have a Tory world that is indistinguishable from the scowling Teletubbies sunrise that was the Brown Gorgon.

What we really have is an EU. Our government is of no relevance and neither are the councils. Unless we can get out of that, nothing will change for the better.

But hey, at least the cripples will be smiling.