That's the question you hear every time you visit the doctor. Harmless enough, you think? A simple yes or no, and the 'no' can be delivered with an air of irresistible superiority, can't it?
Did you know that nonsmokers can get lung cancer? Oh yes, we don't have a monopoly on that. In the interests of equality, you nonsmokers can get lung cancer with almost exactly the same frequency as smokers. The figures are massaged by including 'have you ever smoked', so someone who tried one cigarette 20 years ago and didn't like it counts as a smoking-related cancer. Isn't statistical absurdity wonderful?
Did you realise that if you answer 'no' to the 'Do you smoke' tick-box and you're at the doctor's because you have breathing problems, the one thing he will not be looking for is lung cancer? You can't possibly have that. You're a non-smoker. Must be something else.
Meanwhile cells divide, lumps grow, and your GP is looking for something that isn't what you have. Alien is growing in your chest and he refuses to see it because Righteous logic has dictated it cannot be there.
I quote from a new addition to the list, someone who thinks along the lines of Frank Davis and an increasing number of us:
Lung cancer is not always diagnosed in non-smokers, because doctors aren't necessarily looking for it.
Lung cancer has always been, and remains, a fairly rare disease. Many GPs will go their entire careers without seeing one single case. If you say 'yes, I smoke', they will test for it as a matter of urgency because they have heard ASH insist that all smokers get it. Good news for smokers. We all get checked.
If you say 'no' they will discount it as a possibility because ASH insist that only smokers get it. Bad news for non-smokers. Your cancer will go undiagnosed until the lump is as big as your head. In the case of the rabid antismoker, about one millionth the size of your ego and five hundred times bigger than your IQ.
Smokers didn't do this. ASH did this. With twisted science and hysteria, ASH have ensured that if you say you don't smoke, your spontaneous cancer will be ignored as an impossibility even up to the point where it pops out of your chest and says 'Hi there'.
If you visit your GP with chest problems, always, always answer 'yes' to 'do you smoke?' He will then at least order the full range of appropriate tests.
If you say you don't smoke, you'll die.
It's hard not to laugh.